


where things come back.

by commonemergency



Series: where things come back. [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming of Age, LGBTQ Themes, LGBTQ club/shelter, M/M, Minor Character gets sick, Original Character(s), Phandom Big Bang 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 11:51:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 76,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12840564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: "“I don’t know where to start.”Dan ran a hand through his hair nervously, and he understood what he was feeling now. It was like his dreams; he felt like he was standing on the ledge again, overlooking the body of water that could swallow him up whole. This time, he voluntarily jumped off, plunging into the deep, while he was scared of what would come, he was ready for the free fall."A coming of age story about what it means to be queer, canary birds, documentaries, and falling in love for the first time.





	1. authors note/thank you

**Authors Note:** There’s a song called Poison Oak by Bright Eyes that has a lyric, “ _And I never thought this life was possible, you’re the yellow bird I’ve been waiting for,_ ” I was OBSESSED with this certain lyric, I had wanted to know everything about this lyric because of how much I loved it. I had searched what Yellow Bird had meant to people (thank you lyric meaning), and then I had stumbled across an article that talked about how yellow canary birds would be used for coal mining to check if the air was bad, either way, _they’d come back_ and go from there. I knew that I was going to write this story at some point. It was going to be my goodbye to the “2012 angst” time period that I used to find myself writing a lot of, mainly because hey, projecting is a thing. But I wanted it to be different. I wanted there to be a reason for the angst and it to come full circle. So, yes, while this starts off very canon-like, it’s very, very different than the normal 2012 angst with a happy ending. 

Warnings for this story: it's going to deal with what happens after the vday video, there's some gay slurs that are used given the nature of the story, internalized homophobia, few mentions of vomit but non descriptive, a character gets sick (no death!).

This story (as Dann, queerofcups) said about their own PBB, is a love letter to my younger self, a love letter to me, a love letter to my dad, a love letter to the hellish year that was 2012-2013 in my own life. I almost lost my dad because of a stroke, I was having a lot of internalized homophobia, someone very close to me in my family was dying and I had to take care of them, there was a lot going on. I had gotten out of a very bad relationship and had fallen in love with a girl and I didn’t understand it at the time. 

The very first scene I ever wrote for this story is a gay club scene. It’s almost word for word of what happened to me. It changed my life, because of the person that I had met in a very tiny bathroom in Newcastle, England. I never got to know their name, they just told me their story and then they were gone, but I never forgot them. 

Here's the amazing [artwork](http://puppiesonnetflix.tumblr.com/post/167925903371/i-dont-know-where-to-start-dan-ran-a-hand) for the story!

I have quite the list of people that I want to thank:

**pancakephil:** Sarah, my little pocket buddy, you’re so very special to me I literally can’t believe we met in line and hit off so well! You’re my Superwoman, and literally my favourite person to talk to, whether it’s about Dan and Phil or things that are going on in our life, you’re always there and I’m so thankful for that. I love how we’re complete opposites but still so supportive of each other. Thank you for listening to me complain about this story and for reading it even though there’s a little bit of angst.  <333

**domniall:** Zoe, you’re literally the best. Thank you for taking time to listen to me cry and complain about this story near the end for literally reading anything I sent to you and giving me feedback it means a lot to me that you would just do that for me when you didn’t have to. Also thank you for checking up on me when I was in a writing swamp, I definitely needed it.  <333

**alittledizzy:** Mandy you’re my actual queen. You were the reason I went back to reading (D &P) fanfiction again, and started writing it again. Your stories have done so much for me, if I ever don’t know what to read I will always find myself reading through all of your fics. You’ve been a real big inspiration to me, thank you. 

**queerofcups:** Dann I’m so glad I got the courage to message you about your stories because honestly your stories have changed my life and whenever anyone asks for fanfic recs I’m always linking your stories to them because they’re just so goddamn good. I’m in love with your writing and your prose, they’re truly remarkable and I just think that you’re an amazing person. 

**phinalphantasy7:** I want to thank you for your kindness and checking up on me during my PBB process, it’s always been so nice knowing that I could have someone to talk to about stuff that irritated me, it means a lot that you listened and that you would message me every so often asking me about my story. Thank you. 

**puppiesonnetflix:** Cat I want to thank you so much for your beautiful art. I’m not kidding, the first time I saw it I literally started to tear up and I felt very emotional in the middle of starbucks looking at all the beautiful details that you put into it. I’m so grateful and so glad that you were my artist and that you picked this story.  <3

**S:** To my person, the girl who waited while I got my shit together. Thank you for still waiting. 

**M:** To the first girl I ever loved.

**C:** Thank you for taking me to the club that we had gone to, without you getting me out of my comfort zone this story wouldn’t exist. Thank you for reading this story when it was still a baby and telling me that it was good enough. 

**To the girl at the club:** I never got your name, but I hope you’re well, and that you’re who you wanted to be.  <333

**To the word wars groupchat:** honestly you’re all the reason why this is so long lol, I love writing with all of you and I can’t wait to write with you in the future as well.  <3

**Spotify playlist:** https://open.spotify.com/user/1235525619/playlist/6WVIpNZ36iLsDhHLt2u649


	2. chapter one.

**i.**

When Dan was a kid there were several instances where he knew that he wasn’t right. At least, that was the word that people would toss around school, the playground, and church whenever his grandmum would make him go. There were things that were going on in his mind that he didn’t know how to express because he was afraid of being judged for it. And that fear would manifest into his early adulthood and he didn’t even know it yet. 

Fear was learned from experience. Dan can remember this being true when he’d gone to the zoo once. He was about seven years old and his mum had taken him, Adrian was crying and needed to be taken care off and Dan was curious to look at the orangutan and he was a big boy now, he could do it himself. With his hands shoved in his pockets he had walked up close to the bars, seeing another kid with much curlier hair than his he stuck his head through the bars and giggled, which made Dan giggle and he stuck his head through the bars too. The child next to him had screamed a little noticing that the orangutan had made eye contact of some sort with him and looked like he was getting closer. Dan panicked. He tried his hardest to get his head out of the bars, the kid next to him did it easily, why couldn’t he? There was a fear that had overcome him, trying his best to get his head out but he couldn’t, and he started crying because the primate was getting closer and he couldn’t understand the fact that the orangutan couldn’t actually get to him, he didn’t know that there were guards between the two, but still he was terrified that he’d grab him and take him and hurt him, you could blame the shows he watched on the telly but the truth was, he couldn’t think of anything else other than getting hurt, and he was hurting from the bars pressing into the back of his neck and he screamed for his mum. 

“What are you doing?” She had Adrian in his stroller still crying and now Dan was crying and all he wanted to do was hug his mum, but she had been telling him to tilt his head a bit and move away. And the people around him were laughing because he was just a silly little boy who didn’t know any better. By the time that Dan was out of the bars the primate had already gone to the other side of the enclosure and Dan’s tears were stained on his pink cheeks and he didn’t really want to hug his mum anymore or be at the zoo. Dan always thought back to that moment of fear. 

Growing up in an all boys school had made him feel like that little boy sometimes. Constantly crying out for someone who couldn’t be there to save him from a great unknown. He had friends, but then again, those friends were also involved in a harmless game called ‘ _smear the queer_ ’ during lunch or after school at the park. Dan being the smallest often ended up being the queer, little did they know that there was an impact behind the word and the actions. Kids don’t understand what they’re saying when they say it, they don’t get the kind of force that comes to pummeling a little boy to the ground who’s holding a football, or in most cases, Dan’s shoe. This is the first time Dan has ever heard the word ‘ _queer_ ’ and it’s not surprising that even then the word terrifies him because it was always associated as something bad and harmful.

He had come home late, his face was caked with mud and a little bit of dried blood, one shoe was alright but the other had been the one that was under his shirt and dug into his stomach which was dirty and a bit red from kids tackling him. When he had walked through the door his mother had looked at him once before mentioning the carpet getting dirty. “Are you hurt?” she questioned after, beckoning him to come to the kitchen at least and he had sat down on the chair. He had been crying. He didn’t know why he was sad, he had done everything the other boys had told him to do to play along with them. 

“What were you doing, Daniel?” she had grabbed some paper towels and had gotten them wet to dab against his face. 

“We were playing a game called smear the queer,” She had looked at him for a moment, her face had a moment of shock before she had thrown the paper towel in the trash. 

“I think you need to take a bath, my love,” She ran her hands through his hair once and that was that. He had wanted to ask her what it meant, or if it was bad. Like most things in Dan’s life, he never asked because he didn’t want to bother, and by the way she frowned it must not have been a very good game for him to play. 

So he bottled it up. 

**ii.**

His first real friend was Oliver. They had lived a couple houses down from each other but didn’t go to the same school but they did go to the same park and whenever Dan would go to church with his grandmum he was there just a pew in front of them. They had hung out many times at the park, and eventually at each other’s houses. It was a feeling that Dan had never felt before, the feeling of someone wanting his attention, and wanting to be his friend. He hadn’t had that feeling before so he had basked in it whenever the two played together. Whether it was on the swings or at his house. But it was always at Oliver’s because his mum had put new carpet in and Dan didn’t want to ruin it again. 

They had sat upstairs in Oliver’s room looking over at their pokemon cards that they had collected and were going to possibly trade. Dan had to go home soon, but he wanted to stay here. It felt homey, his sister was nice to Dan and everyone assumed that Dan had a crush on her when all he really wanted to do was just be her friend, too. 

“Want to play on the computer for a bit?” Oliver had suggested, Dan had looked at him slowly getting bored of his cards and Dan had shrugged. “Sure,” he said, getting up from the ground and following him to the computer room. His older sister was downstairs doing homework and she had a friend over and Oliver’s parents were out shopping. 

“I found this website the other day and wanted to show you,” 

When he had typed the URL Dan wasn’t really paying attention as sat next to Oliver on the chair. He yawned and Oliver looked at him with a smile. They were sitting close and Dan’s eyes immediately went to his lips and then his eyes- but then the moment was ruined by the faint sound of a woman moaning. His eyes casted to the screen and it was porn. He had seen images, and heard of porn from his classmates but had never seen it on screen first hand. He was sure he was probably wide-eyed while his friend was laughing at his reaction. 

If there was something that Dan hadn’t seen it was what another naked man had looked like in full. He gulped as he watched the woman ride the man and he wasn’t paying attention to her, his eyes had looked at the man’s shoulders, his chest, and then his ass, and what he could see of his dick. It made him uncomfortable, not because of what the other male looked like but of how it made him feel. He felt a weird tingly feeling and then he looked at his friend. 

“You’re so weird,” he told Oliver, getting up from his seat and walking downstairs. 

He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home now. He had grabbed his jacket and his backpack, his parents would be home soon anyway and he figured he could stay at home by himself for a while. He had looked back and Oliver was coming down the stairs and he had waved at Dan and Dan had waved back, closing the door behind him. The sun would go down soon and their friendly little neighbourhood wouldn’t look so friendly anymore. He had thought about that moment of freedom of when he could stay out later than seven o’clock, everything wasn’t as it seems, and he knew that there were things that he could do if he was just given the chance. 

When he had walked through back, closing the gate behind him and locking it with the spare key he had he had gone through the screen door and went up to his bedroom immediately and stripped out of his uniform and into pajamas and laid in his room, the lights off, and his blinds closed. He closed his eyes and all he could think of was that naked man, he tried not to think about it, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t out of envy or lust, it was wondering. 

He clutched onto his teddy bear as he turned to the wall, his fingers pressed up against the cool of it, and he could hear downstairs the door opening and his brother crying to their mum about something that he wanted but didn’t get and Dan tries not to roll his eyes, he doesn’t want to move from his spot and tell his mum that he made it back okay, not that she’d ask in particular. He felt guilty about it, guilty in the way where if she saw his face she’d know that he had done something that he wasn’t supposed to and thought what he wasn’t supposed to. It was a dangerous game to play, having these thoughts but he had tried not to let it bother him as his eyes drifted into a slumber. 

**iii.**

Dan’s grandmum had picked him up for church, he had gotten in the back of the car and he sighed, he didn’t absolutely hate going to church, for the most part the people at the church were nice and there were donuts and hot chocolate that he could have after the first service was over and then the transition to children’s church. Some days were particularly uncomfortable for him though, he didn’t know how to explain it. 

For instance, he didn’t like having to bow his head and close his eyes and pretend to pray to something that he didn’t believe in. He didn’t like having to take a cracker and grape juice and eat it at appropriate times, and he didn’t like having to stand and then sit and stand again for certain songs. And he hated that it felt like a false sense of home, the church claiming they were a refuge for the broken but turning a blind eye to the people on street in need or for the people who were just a little bit different than them. 

He was a little bit different. 

Dan’s eyes would cast to Oliver’s who didn’t sit too far from them, and he’d appreciate the back of his head and his hair which was perfectly straight and brown, and he’d think the entire service of how much he wanted to run his hands through his hair. That’s all he really wanted to do. And maybe hold his hand just to see what it felt like. If it was as comforting as his grandmum and grandpa had made it look. 

Dan would soon find out that nothing hurt more than first heartbreak, and it was at church of all places. It was during Sunday School, after singing a few songs from an old CD player, they had all sat at long table with multiple chairs, Dan had sat at the end, they were colouring about a story in the bible, Dan hadn’t really paid attention to what the story was really about, he just really wanted to make the colouring of Moses pretty and bright. He had grabbed the pink and purple and blue and smiled to himself, he was proud -- he had made his colouring a bit different than the rest who seemed to be sticking to what they thought Moses would have looked like. 

Oliver had sat next to Dan and looked at his colouring and he giggled to his other friend in the class and said something, making sure it was loud enough for everyone at the table to hear, “That looks really gay, Dan,” He laughed more and Dan had looked at him and looked as the kids would poke their head to see that his Moses colouring was made of pinks and purples and blues. 

The kids would start snickering about Oliver using the word gay, and Dan didn’t really know what that word had meant other than the fact that people often used it against him in an argument, and then they would throw rocks at him. So it must have been bad. He had grabbed the colouring page and crumpled it up and shoved it in his pocket, not wanting to get up and disrupt the class anymore by throwing it in the bin. The teacher had turned around to see why everyone was laughing and yelling and Dan felt so small. Like an ant under a microscope that was running around for safety and then squashed. 

**iv.**

Dan saw less and less of Oliver, though sometimes on his way back from school he’d see him walking home too. As they got older it didn’t happen as often and if they did cross paths with each other there was always a girl in tow with him, and he’d nod at Dan and Dan wouldn’t react to it because he was the same guy that was horrible to him in Sunday School when he didn’t have to be. There are moments that stick with him, and that was definitely one of them, now that he heard it on the daily of how gay he looked and how gay he acted or how gay he dressed. If it wasn’t one thing then it was an another thing and Dan was tired of it. 

It wasn’t all horrible; he did have some friends that were a bit different like him, they had stuck together through a lot of the bullies. Some of his best memories were with these people, whether it was sneaking out at night to go to the park and drink shitty vodka that an older classmen had snuck for them, or going to festivals they were probably too young to attend but went anyway and being supervised by older brothers and sisters that didn’t really pay much attention to them. Whenever they’d get rocks or books thrown at them they had to learn to deflect it because it didn’t really matter to them, even if it secretly did. 

When Dan was fifteen he had gone to an after party, three different schools in the area were all attending this party and Dan was a little awkward and had mainly had his back to the wall ready to leave at will. He had been drinking a shitty beer and would probably need another one soon. If he wasn’t going to talk to anyone then he planned on getting a little bit hammered. His friends were either hooking up with people or passed out or socializing with people they wouldn’t normally socialize with. Dan felt uncomfortable with all of that even if he wanted to talk to people. 

There had been numerous of guys taking their shirts off in front of him and throwing it in his face and making comments that he probably liked that a little too much. It had pissed him off, thinking of there was something about his face that was inviting for people to make fun of him. He had sighed, grabbing the last shirt and throwing it on the floor when someone had stood next to him with their own cup of beer and smiled at Dan. 

“Hiya,” she said, taking a drink and clearing her throat. “I hate people.” she quietly added as they both watched someone jump off the couch onto the table before they had slipped and fallen on the ground and clashing with another person. 

Dan had grimaced a little. “Yeah, me too,” he said with a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck and looking at the other girl. 

“You’re from um, the other school, yeah?” Dan had thought he recognized her from when their schools had done things together. He just couldn’t put a name on her. 

“Yeah. I’m Erin.” She smiled at him and Dan couldn’t help but feel a little bit giddy at the way that she was looking at him and he smiled back. He couldn’t help it. 

**v.**

It would be certainly easier to love Erin, Dan often thought to himself. It was their third date that he had realized this. He had been contemplative about it, not that he didn’t find himself attractive to her -- because he did. There was more to the thought than that. Whatever doubts he had about dating her didn’t have to do with because she was a bad person, it had to do with because she was a girl. It was a sinking feeling in his stomach when he had finally figured out why he felt this way. He wasn’t losing anything. In fact this was a good thing to many people who had opposing views as Dan. He couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he felt like he lost a part of himself. Maybe it wasn’t a part of him to begin with. 

Being fifteen and feeling like you could love this person forever was overwhelming. They hadn’t even been dating that long and he already felt such strong emotions for her. He just wanted to hold her hand all the time, and kiss her whenever he could, and give her all of his jackets and go to her house every second of every day. It felt good. Whatever he was feeling, everything he felt, it was being reciprocated back to him. He didn’t have any fear grabbing her hand when they met up after school, and went to the park to sit down on the cement and just talk about their day. The processing of getting to know each other was easy, even if sometimes he got a little nervous to tell her things. She didn’t laugh at him when he explained some of his fears. 

When she asks him about the worst days of his life he never knew what to tell her. The majority of them had to do with himself questioning if he was queer or not. _Did he like boys? Did he just find them aesthetically pleasing?_ Maybe -- just maybe -- like everyone else said, he hadn’t found the right girl yet. Maybe Erin was it. Instead, he tells her about the time that he hadn’t gotten the part that he wanted in the play, he had went to his grandmum’s house and cried the whole day. She made him cookies and told him that there would be other parts. 

The truth behind it was this: there had been a boy that he didn’t know if he liked, but he definitely wanted to be friends with, and he had encouraged Dan to audition, and when Dan did he had gone off with his friends, and Dan had made eye contact with him and they had snickered, he didn’t know if it was about him or not, but he was so distracted he forgot most of the lines and knew that he would probably get some background part. He never did return. The theatre had been tainted by things like that. He wanted to be good enough. He wanted people to stop talking about him to his face and behind his back. He’d have to find new interests. 

They’re laying on her bed and she’s staring at him and he’s staring at the ceiling and he’s trying his best to not make eye contact with her, because he doesn’t trust himself, he knows that he’ll start blushing. She presses a finger to his cheek and then he smiles, his dimple deepens and she kisses it, snuggling into him as much as she can. This was easy as breathing. He didn’t know why he was worried so much in the first place. He didn’t need to be. His parents had already met her at dinner and thought that she was a lovely girl, though later telling him that it’s just young love. It may not last, and it’s okay if it doesn’t. 

Dan was in this for the long run, he wanted to be at least. 

It’s not until they’re six months into dating that he tells her that he loves her. It’s over a text message when he’s wishing her goodnight. She immediately calls him and asks him if he meant it. 

“Of course I meant it,” he laughs over the phone, sitting up from his bed and speaking as quietly as he can considering how late at night it was. 

He’s smiling to himself as she kind of squeals over the phone. 

“I love you too,” And he’s refraining from mimicking the action. This is what being in love felt like, wasn’t it? 

It didn’t replicate what his parents had. There were days when his parents would fight a lot, and sometimes it lasted for days, and weeks, and his dad would sleep on the couch, but he knew that maybe sometimes parents needed a break from the other, of course they were so young when they had gotten together and had him, there were issues that Dan didn’t know about but he knew that they loved each other by the way that there’d be fresh blankets on the couch, and a cup of coffee sitting on the table in the morning before work. 

Dan had to navigate what this feeling was for Erin on his own and so he would text her to meet up before school and he’d give her a coffee and a peck on the lips and saying he’d meet her at their usual spot. He was getting the hang of it. 

Though there were instances when he’d be sitting at his desk and be doing the work that he needed to get done for the class and his mind would wander off and he’d start thinking about what it would have been like if Erin was a boy. He had felt guilty about it after. He tried to get it out of his mind a lot of the time because he’d build this fantasy world, but the truth was -- he didn’t understand. He felt like an alien sitting in this class trying to get a grip of what he was feeling and the attraction he felt to guys. 

And then that feeling would go away. Because he was glad that Erin was who she was, and he wouldn’t change that, but there were days when he would see a boy walk past him in the hall and he’d smell the cheap cologne and think of how entrancing it had felt. 

His insecurities ate him alive. Perhaps the reason why he thought about boys so much was because he didn’t feel like he was good enough. He had already changed who he was once, he stopped caring about the theatre club and he stopped trying to audition, he had changed his clothes and straightened his hair and he still felt like an outsider. Maybe he wanted to be like all the guys he ogled. 

This had been something that would continue to bother him for three years that they were together. His insecurities pouring out into her, but it wasn’t always so bad. He learned to love Erin in his own way but somewhere along the lines something had shifted and it would often leave him feeling anxious, and there were days when he couldn’t get out of bed because the world just seemed a little too impossible to handle. 

Whenever Erin had gone up North to visit her grandparents and Dan was left alone he had dedicated that time to being on the internet, and on Youtube, trying to find things that could fill the void. He did miss Erin, but mainly he missed feeling like he belonged to something. Some days when the feeling of helpless overcame him, he didn’t even feel like he belonged in his own family. 

“What are you doing with your future, Daniel?” His mother would ask him at the dinner table and he’d try his best to not blow up in her face with, _I don’t know. I don’t even know who I am._

He didn’t know what he liked anymore -- he didn’t know if all his interests were Erin’s interests or if they belonged to him. He didn’t know if all his prior interests pre-Erin were his or if they were Oliver’s or any guy that he had gone to school with because he wanted to fit in and belong. It was hard being young and wanting to blend in but knowing that you stick out like a sore thumb. He wondered how closeted queer kids at his all male school did it. When he thought of that, it made his spine tingle. 

It was still the question that didn’t have a definite answer. 

_Am I queer?_

**vi.**

They’re nearly done with the school year, Erin has applied for universities in January and they’re waiting back to hear if she got into her choice universities. They’re meeting up at their usual spot, Dan decides to take the long way round to give him some time to think about where he wanted to go with his life. He’s spent more time online than his studies, and his grades could be a lot better but he doesn’t really want to think about that. 

“Hey Gaylord,” He hears it from behind him, he closes his eyes for a second and rolls his eyes. If it they weren’t making his life a living hell in the locker room, or on the field it was after school on his way to meet Erin. He’s gotten used to being called Gaylord, in fact it’s not the worst one he’s heard. He doesn’t know if he’s so used to it that he just tunes it out or if it doesn’t get to him anymore. 

What does get him is when they grab him by the shoulders. He feels it and he stops in his tracks as they grab his backpack off his shoulders and dump the contents all over the pavement. What comes flying out is his textbooks, notebook, some pens and papers and two condoms. Erin’s parents were out of town for the weekend it had been something she was looking forward to- one on one time and things like that people figured out, but that doesn’t stop the guys from zooming in on it and commenting that _why does he need condoms if guys can’t get pregnant?_

The insults are trivial. They don’t mean anything. Except they mean _everything_ \-- the way that people are conditioned to believe that anything other than heteronormative is inherently bad leaves its scars on him. It digs deep, and all he can do is ball his fists and wait. 

He doesn’t understand why it’s him. He had never been mean to anyone, and if he had said something he was mostly joking. Seeing his things dumped on the pavement he knew he couldn’t do much with that. He bends down to start to pick his things up, and then one of the guys grabs him by the collar and then punches him in the nose and then they push him to the ground and kick his book into the street but not without adding, “fuckin’ sodo,” they laughed looking back at Dan and then spit near him. 

He makes eye contact with one of them, and their face falls slightly. 

This wasn’t the first time this had happened to him and he knew that it certainly wouldn’t be the last time someone had tried to take their pent up anger about something they were dealing with on Dan. Perhaps he was a scapegoat because they felt oppressed -- either way, it didn’t help Dan and his image of himself. He didn’t let himself think about it too much as he waited for a car to zoom pass him, barely missing his book, he ran to grab it and then ran back, watching as people watched him for a second. His phone buzzed and he knew it was because he was late to meet Erin. He rapidly picked everything up from the ground and back into his backpack and took his jacket off that he knew he’d need to clean at Erin’s house and pressed it against his nose to at least try and get the bleeding to stop though he figured that the blood was well smeared on his face, he could taste it in his mouth. 

The walk to the coffee shop was a long one, it didn’t help that his classmates had the same idea and he’d have to try and act like there wasn’t blood all over his face and hands and white shirt. When he finds Erin she’s talking to her girl friends and she turns to see him because one of the girls pointed at him and her eyes go wide and he wants to cry and run away from here. 

When she runs up to him she wraps her arms around him and then buries herself in his collarbone and he wraps his arms around her and holds her tight and it feels good. It’s not enough though. 

“Let’s go,” she whispers to him, grabbing him gently by the arm so they could go back to her house. 

He doesn’t say anything as he follows her lead. He could get there himself in ten minutes on a good day, right now his mind is blank and all he’s thinking about what could possibly drive them to do that to him. 

While he loves Erin, and for the most part he tells her things about himself -- the things that bother him and keep him up at night, he feels like he can’t tell her everything. Especially when it comes to his sexuality. Plus he knows that she has her best friends and he has- well. He has himself. He has anonymous forums and strangers on the internet but he doesn’t post on them, he just lurks and keeps a word document of comments that mean something to him. He just wished he had a best friend. 

When she unlocks the door to her house she takes him to the kitchen and he sits at one of the dining tables seats and looks up at her. 

“It’s fine,” He laughs, “Honestly, it doesn’t hurt that bad,” 

She grabs paper towels and gets them wet and applies pressure to his nose and he winces a little. 

“Right.” she says, her voice is a monotone and its sharp. 

“Who did this?” 

“I don’t know.” He recognized one of them. They used to do theatre together. 

_Because of how small Wokingham was_ you either did a sport or you did theatre club. It wasn’t a hard pick for Dan plus he enjoyed it. Jeremy was in it for only one play and he didn’t play a significant part, much like Dan, except his mum had forced him to do it and that was his own alibi that he had to be in it because his mother wasn’t about to cart him to work everyday or make arrangements for him to be elsewhere during the summer period. It seemed to be the thing for most kids. 

Dan had been backstage, eating his peanut butter jelly sandwhich his grandmum packed for him, it was one of the down times that he had when they did the first half of the show, he didn’t come until the second act and it was play practice. He knew that he could go out there and sit and watch but honestly it didn’t seem inviting considering a lot of the people here didn’t offer that many kind words to the boy. He didn’t mind having this time alone. 

Halfway into the sandwich, he had spotted Jeremy who looked down at Dan and his sandwich and he snorted once and shook his head. “Sup Gaylord,” he sat next to Dan and looked at him with a face that Dan didn’t know what to make of it. 

“What?” Dan said between chews. He knew what he said, he just didn’t know why he said it. 

“Nothing,” Jeremy’s voice dropped and he cleared his throat. 

Dan shook his head. It was annoying, Oliver had ruined him, no one even really knew Dan’s name other than ‘ _that guy in that one class who talks really loud and may be gay_ ’. He wasn’t going to comment on it anymore, in fact he was tired of bringing attention to it because it didn’t really bring him anything, it couldn’t be fixed. 

Jeremy had blown out a long breath, it sounded like he had been holding it for a while and Dan continued to eat his sandwich until there was nothing left. He had a bag of crisps his grandmum packed too and he begrudgingly offered Jeremy who rolled his eyes but still snaked his hands into the bag and crunched on the crisps.

When it came down to it, Dan tried to be kind to people, even the one’s who said awful things to him. Jeremy didn’t seem so bad, he just talked a lot of shit. Not just to Dan but to his friends too. That didn’t make it any better, but it helped to realize. 

From the stage you could hear something fall and it made both Dan and Jeremy jump and then look at each other and laugh, trying to keep their snickering to themselves but Dan laughed until his gut hurt and Jeremy placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder as if to steady him. Their eyes had met and Jeremy had kept coming closer and closer to his face and Dan stopped breathing. Just a few minutes ago he was calling him gay -- he didn’t understand his intentions but then again he wasn’t exactly stopping him. As Jeremy was about to press his lips to Dan he had pulled away like he was realizing what he was doing and he cleared his throat and had shook his head and got up, _leaving Dan alone again._

He thinks about that moment now, knowing he has to keep it to himself. He can’t try and explain that to Erin- she may try to understand, but there are things that Dan had learned that he needed to keep hidden and that memory is one of them. 

“I’m okay, Erin,” he reiterated, grabbing the bloodied paper towel, getting up from his chair and throwing it away, “I’m going to shower, are you coming with?” Surprisingly, that’s all it takes for Erin to drop the conversation. 

It doesn’t lead to sex in the shower, but there is a lot of groping, he kisses her neck and runs the soap against her back and downward, she turns around and connects their lips, getting lost in the kiss, and Dan can’t help but think of the blood disappearing down the drain, a reminder of what had happened, but nothing important enough to remember because it’s been washed away and gone forever. 

**vii.**

Over the summer they would hang out at Dan’s house, and bask in the other’s presence but Dan seemed far away a lot of the time. They had planned trips before Erin would go off to university, it was a conversation they tried not to have a lot of the time because it ended in fighting and a lot of tears. They were at a standstill, waiting for the other to move. Instead of coming up with a resolution there was a lot of dancing around the subject. They didn’t talk about the future together anymore, and if they did it was really vague. 

“You really like Phil, huh?” Erin brings it up when they’re watching a movie on his bed. He looks at her with a small smile. 

“Yeah, he’s cool.” 

He felt something drop. 

“Yeah.” she says, tucking herself into him a little more. 

For now, Dan was hers. For now, she still had him. 

He didn’t know how to explain what he felt because he didn’t understand it. There was a part of him that had felt drawn to Phil, not just because of the content he put out, because that was a part of it, but also because of his looks. He liked his eyes, and his laugh, and the way that he presented himself as confident, like he knew what he was doing, and his creativity when it came to projects. He couldn’t help himself from wanting to try and talk to him even if it didn’t lead anywhere. It was his imagination that got him in trouble, and he knew that it was dumb for him to think that it could get somewhere. He was still with Erin. 

“There’s a party that Oliver is throwing before he heads off to Sheffield,” Erin brings up one day, “I told him we’d come,” 

He gulps, he hasn’t talked to Oliver in years, and the last interaction he had with him wasn’t pleasant. Everyone knew Oliver now, he had thrown some of the best parties that Dan never went to, but Erin had, she had gone to all of them even before meeting Dan. It made him uneasy but considering how on edge Erin had been around Dan he felt like he owed it to her to go with her. There were many nights when she got too drunk and Dan would pick her up in his red vauxhall corsa, which came with a few laughs when he’d pull up, but he tried his best to ignore it -- ignore all of them. 

“Okay, when is it?” He ran a hand through his hair and looked up at her. 

“Tonight, so get ready,” She smiled at him, coming closer to peck him on the lips. 

_God_ , he thought, _he wasn’t ready._

**viii.**

The party was held at someone else’s house, they lived in big house on the outskirts of town, there was fields that surrounded it, and they could play music as loud as they wanted. Dan had brought a bottle of vodka that he had stored for other reasons but he supposes that if he were going to try and make some new friends or say goodbye to old one’s he’d do it over a bottle of vodka as some kind of peace offering. The car ride to the party was quiet, Erin had turned the volume to a point where it was starting to hurt Dan’s ears but he knew that perhaps it was what she needed, to be alone with her thoughts. He had reached out to grab her hand and she reluctantly held it -- it was more for Dan than for Erin, and he had felt something that he hadn’t felt in a while, an admiration for her, and the fact that these past three years she still stood by him, even if inevitably he’d break her heart. He was already doing it. He didn’t mean to and that was the part that hurt the most. 

Except, Erin had been there for him for everything. Except the one thing that he couldn’t tell her yet. The one thing that made up a big part of him. It was killing him inside thinking about it. It made him anxious most of the time and the only way he didn’t feel so anxious anymore was the fact that he could, at the end of the day, go home and watch Youtube, and have this little escape from real life. Except his escape was starting to bleed a little into his real life and he didn’t like it. 

When they find a parking spot he wraps an arm around Erin and she seems to relax a little. Then he’s hit with the overpowering smell of weed, people are falling in and out of the house and the windows in the front are open and people are screaming out Erin’s name and she waves to them. He gulps, he was never the popular one when it came to both of them going on some sort of outing.

“Let’s get a drink?” She raises an eyebrow at Dan and he nods. 

“Yeah, alright,” He places a hand on her back and follows her to an array of alcohol on one big table, there’s things he does notice which is the keg, jungle juice, and a strange concoction that Oliver was known for which meant that it had a lot more alcohol than anything else, but he supposed that was the point. It mainly just tasted like a big bowl of gasoline.

He takes a sip of the jungle juice and knows that he can only drink so much, and that they’d probably spend the night here anyway. He sighs a little, looking at everyone, and only making an eye contact with a few. 

“I’m gonna say hi to people.” Erin pats his arm and walks away from him. 

It wasn’t healthy in the slightest -- but Erin was his security blanket when it came to social things. While he could have a decent conversation with people on a good day he felt very uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people that had often teased him growing up. He knew that eventually, in a couple months when September came they’d all fuck off to their universities and never come back. Dan would only have to see them at Christmas during awkward run ins at the closest Tesco and he could handle that. It’s a promising future to only be able to see them once every year, he could handle that. 

The problem with being socially awkward was that he kept drinking. When he’d finish with one cup and then he’d go to the table and get another drink, and when someone looked like they wanted to talk to him he’d take a big gulp and smile at them and go back to the table to refill, and then he’d go around the house, pretending to catch up with people, and seeing if Erin was still outside with friends, (she was), and then getting another drink. The alcohol didn’t hit him until all at once. He couldn’t drink anymore. Except he found himself fumbling to the table, and pouring himself more of the jungle juice and taking sips this time, like it’d help him not get drunker somehow. 

He had gone outside now, Erin looked very into a story and he wasn’t going to bother her yet so he found himself sitting far away from everyone, by the pool pushing his pants up and dipping his feet in and it felt really good. He stared into the pool and thought about just jumping in. There were these instances when he was inebriated when he thought about everything that bothered him, and it was enough to make him cry in some cases, but this time he just wondered what it would feel like to go underwater and never come up. His rational thoughts told him that it would lead to death but somehow there was a part of him that wondered if he could maybe morph into some kind of underwater animal. He’d be very happy there. At least he wouldn’t have to be terribly human. 

His fingers had tapped against the edge of the pool, and he’d throw his hands in, feeling the wetness between his fingers and it’d sober him up for a second to realize that he was very much real and he could fall in if he didn’t really think about it. He was spinning a little and didn’t realize that someone was sitting next to him until they had wrapped an arm around him and he had looked expecting it to be Erin but it was Oliver. His breath had smelt of every single bottle of alcohol from the table but Dan must have smelt the same. 

“Hi?” Dan had said, uncomfortable with his arm around him and he tried to shrug it off, and Oliver had laughed loudly causing people to look over at them and then Erin who turned around. 

She always seemed to find him in usual predicaments with men and he never explained them. 

“How are ya mate?” He was slurring on his words, he was far more intoxicated than Dan was. 

“‘M fine,” Dan said, pushing him off of him as much as he could. 

“Yeah?” Oliver said, grabbing a spliff from his shirt pocket and then his lighter from his front pocket, Dan watched him light the spliff and inhale as much as he could and then seeing a big smoke cloud, to his drunk mind it was entrancing before realizing who he was next to again. 

“H-how are you?” Dan had sighed, asking since it was the polite thing to do even if he wouldn’t remember the conversation in the morning. 

“Oh I’m bloody fantastic,” He takes another hit of the spliff and offers it to Dan who shakes his head and declines. 

Sitting next to Oliver feels weird to Dan. He used to look at him with admiration, thinking he was the coolest guy and wanting to know everything about him. It’s hard holding people to a standard that’s impossible for them to meet. You can’t force people to like you, even after everything at Sunday School he wanted to be friends with him, but what he did hurt. With that immediate thought popping into his head his mouth moved faster than his brain and he was going to say. There was no stopping it. If he could slap himself in the face for it he would.

“What you said hurt--” Dan had spoke before he could even think over what he was going to say, but the alcohol had made him more confident and it had been bugging him. “That day at Sunday School,” he took another drink from his cup and Oliver had to close his eyes as if to think back. 

“What the fuck? Ya still thinkin’ about that?” Oliver’s mouth had turned up in a smirk, he shook his head, looking at Erin who was occasionally looking back at them. “Sticks and stones, mate. Sticks and stones.”

_What a bullshit saying,_ Dan had thought.

“I know you like boys, Dan,” Oliver had laughed again, getting up and swaying a bit. “Your secret is safe with me but people talk,” And then he was gone. 

Dan was livid. All he could feel was anger and his whole body felt like it was on fire. He had gotten up and wanting to grab Oliver and throw him in the pool, but that wasn’t who he was -- but he really wanted it to be. He wanted to be the one to react in anger because he didn’t agree with what the other person was saying -- he wanted to be the person that showed the other who’s boss. He wanted to be angry and let everyone know he was angry. He was drunk enough to do it, but there was that voice inside of him that said, if he did it, if he reacted like he wanted to react, _everyone would know._ It would only further prove the point that: _Dan liked boys._

So he let him go. He stood in the middle of the lawn and looked down at his mostly empty cup. He brought it back to his lips and took the last gulp to finish it off and then sat himself on the grass, looking up at the night sky while England’s Top Hits played in the background. 

Disturbia from Rihanna had played when Erin had come into his line of vision. It looked like she had been crying. Dan didn’t really feel like a person right now, he didn’t even feel real. He was too drunk but he knew that he needed to be there for her so he had gotten up and held his arms out for her and she cried into his chest. He didn’t know why he started crying, but he had a feeling it was for the same reason. 

**ix.**

They do end up sleeping at the house, what wakes Dan up is his splitting headache and the first drop of rain. Erin is passed out against him and the makeup is all over her face and on his shirt where she fell asleep. Something happened last night and he felt incredibly uncomfortable and overwhelmed right now. He sits up and he looks at all the other people lying on the grass, the music had been turned off overnight and there are a few people up smoking cigarettes by the pool which is littered with red cups, floaties, and cigarette butts and bags of crisps. He needs water and some ibuprofen. He takes his jacket off and puts it over Erin and staggers to the glass door, the bright lights of the kitchen he can’t help but squint. Oliver is sitting on the counter, he looks like shit and Dan tries to ignore staring at him. 

He grabs a red cup that looks like it’s been used, he dumps the contents out and cleans it as best as he can before getting water from the sink and drinking three glasses. His head was fucking pounding now that he had gotten up and moved. He felt nauseas, too. 

“I’m sorry, mate,” Oliver ends up saying, his voice sounds scratchy and tired. 

“For what?” Dan sighs, opening one eye to look at him. 

“For outing you last night,” Oliver takes a cigarette out from the box that was left on the counter and Dan tries to think back to what happened after he had blacked out. He knew that Erin was crying, but was there anything else? 

“What do you mean?” Dan’s heart starts beating really fast and he feels that nausea coming back and crawling up his throat ready with his next set of words. 

“Everyone heard me, I wasn’t exactly being quiet about it. I -- I might have told people when they asked, and… and Erin asked me what we were talking about.” Oliver looked down at the tile, and Dan felt a heaviness in his chest. 

He leaned over the sink and then puked everything he ate and drank last night. 

Dan felt like a naked tree in the middle of a hurricane, ready to be blown over because of how weak he actually was. Somehow he had already known that was the case, but hearing it validated out loud didn’t make it any better. It was the feeling of fear he had that day at the zoo, that’s what this felt like -- not knowing what would happen to him, not knowing how to react and survive, but there was the anxiety and it was ever prevalent now. 

Dan is breathing hard over the sink before eventually turning the faucet on to get rid of the puke and wiping his mouth with a paper towel. 

“I liked you,” Dan says, his voice is quiet. 

“I know.” 

When the last bit of throw up is gone he walks passed Oliver with wet eyes and doesn’t bother to look back. He finds the bathroom and someone is sleeping in the tub. He looks around for ibuprofen and when he finds it there’s a deep sigh of relief, he grabs two for him and two for Erin when she wakes up. 

It almost feels like the walk of shame going passed Oliver again, but he doesn’t look at him, and he sees that Erin is still asleep and he needs to wake her up so he can take her back to one of their houses. It’s too cold out here and the rain is starting to come down more. He gently rubs her arms up and down and moves the hair out of her face. “Erin?” he says, waits, and then, “Erin, wake up,” 

When her eyes open she closes them again, pulling the coat over her head. He doesn’t know what to expect. 

“Come on, you’ll get sick out here.” 

She sighs and then slowly gets up, grabbing the red cup and the ibuprofen. When she looks at Dan it breaks his heart. He doesn’t recognize the look that she’s giving him and he doesn’t know if he wants to. He’s scared. He feels vulnerable. 

When he gets up he offers his hand and she looks at it for a long time before eventually grabbing it getting up with him. He wraps an arm around her, feeling like he needs to just show her that regardless of what Oliver said last night -- she was still his number one. He understands her confusion but he’ll deal with it when it comes up, right now all he can think about is a warm shower and a comfortable bed. 

“Mine or yours?” He opens her door and his head is still pounding but the anxiety is mainly the one thing he’s feeling. 

“Mine. My parents are at my grandmum’s for the weekend,” she sighs, resting her head against the cool of the window. 

The drive back to her house is silent. She doesn’t reach out for him, there’s no music playing, the silence feels…. Loud to Dan. A silent message that feels like a scream. His bones ache. Everything aches. 

They’re under the shower now, though Dan feels like Erin is falling asleep and he carefully washes off grass stains off of her skin, and massages the shampoo and conditioner into her hair and presses his lips to her forehead. She looks up at him when he does that and places a hand on his cheek and they look at each other and then she leaves the shower. 

She’s in bed by the time Dan is done and he crawls up behind her and he stares at her ceiling like he always does when he’s here. 

“Hold me?” she whispers and he can hear her voice start to shake and he nods, pulling her closer to his chest and she cries. Dan doesn’t ask about it. They already know. So instead of saying anything he pulls the covers up pass her shoulders, he hands her the stuffed animal he bought her, he knows that giving it to her isn’t giving all of him, but it’s a part of him that belongs to her and only her and it won’t fix the problem but she reaches for it and holds it to her heart and in between them. 

They have things they need to talk about, but right now sometimes silence is the only good answer you can get. 

**x.**

Phil replies to Dan, and then it’s Dan’s birthday, and then they start talking a little more. The conversation that Dan is supposed to have with Erin gets put on a backburner, but they still are together in one way or another. There’s silences that last over a course of days, but they still hold each other like they mean something and Dan takes it for what it’s worth. They’re teetering on a tightrope, it’s the final act and one of them has to move. 

It’s middle of the summer and Dan and Phil talk all the time and he tries not to let it distract him when he’s with Erin. He works a lot, and when he’s not working he just wants to be home on his laptop. It was safe. People still talk about the party online but he’s blocked Oliver and the majority of people at that party and tries to forget that it happened. It’s the best that he can do. Erin leaves next month and there’s still not much conversation and he knows that they need to talk about it. 

It happens outside in his backyard, they had stayed up all night, sometimes talking to each other, but really they were in their own little world when Dan suggested they watch the sunrise. He makes them cups of tea and takes it out with them. His family won’t be up for another hour. Dan and Erin both mirror each other; they haven’t slept, their hair is a bit of a mess, there’s the same heaviness in the other’s chest and they don’t know how to handle it. They’re good at avoiding what’s been going on in fear of losing the other. Dan thinks about the last message Phil sent him, it was just a heart. It didn’t really mean anything but yet it still made him feel something. It was a mixture of guilt and warmth. He breathes in deeply and then gulps. 

“We’re breaking up aren’t we?” Erin is the first to say it, she taps her fingers against the white mug, staring down at the recently added milk in her tea, there’s loose leaves swirling in a circle making it look like some kind of tea galaxy explosion. She sniffs, and holds her breath and lets it out as slowly as she can but Dan can hear the complications. He doesn’t know if he should reach out and touch her or not or if it would make it worse. 

It shouldn’t be this hard, especially with how distant they had been recently but it was. He feels the prickle of tears in the corner of his eye and it falls down his cheek and on top of his hand. It suddenly felt very cold for the middle of summer. 

“I think so.” He says with a deep breath. He does end up reaching out for her hand and she takes it, wiping her face with her other hand and then she gulps. 

“I don’t really know how to -- I don’t know how to make it easier. I don’t have the right words to say.” He didn’t want to talk about what he felt for boys. He didn’t want to say it out loud. It was like there was this crushing feeling on his chest and he couldn’t breathe. 

“Was everything fake?” she asks softly, squeezing his hand and he shakes his head. 

“Of course not.” He had thought about that himself, he had thought of those three years and what they had meant to them over many sleepless nights, but he couldn’t deny his attraction to her, and the jealousy that he had felt numerous times when they had gone to parties together and how he would wrap around her and passionately tell the guys she was talking to that he was her boyfriend. There were moments when she would surprise him with coffee and give him gifts that had meant a lot to him, or how she seemed to perfectly slot in next with his family. 

“What I felt was real and I -- I love you.” He did. He loved her. She was the first person he’s ever really loved, and knowing that she wouldn’t be the last was heartbreaking for both of them. 

“I love you too,” her voice is shaking, her mug had been placed on the table and she leans in closer to where he could hold her and he does. 

“I don’t mind, you know. I don’t mind if you like boys.” She said this in his chest, and he holds her a little closer. “I just wish you told me sooner.” There wasn’t any way to make this better, there wasn’t some kind of manual to tell him what to do. Erin was sweet, and kind, and cared for people deeply and Dan liked to think that he was the same, there had just been so many underlying problems that he needed to deal with and being on that teether with Erin on one side, Dan on the other, and Phil somewhere in the middle it made it difficult. 

He didn’t know what his relationship with Phil was other than being friends on facebook, talking on MSN and Skype, but it was for hours and he had told him things that he hadn’t told anyone, he had easily became his best friend within a matter of days and weeks of getting to know each other. He knows what that must have looked like to Erin and how it must have made her feel seeing the person that she had been with for three years suddenly lose interest in her for a guy that she didn’t know much about. He knows that she must have seen his twitter and the things they’ve said online and that makes him feel worse. 

“I’m sorry,” He eventually says, the birds have started their morning song, the sun isn’t quite up yet but it’s getting there, life continues on amidst heartbreak and it’s both comforting and heartbreaking. “I should have told you sooner.” 

The hour after they decide what they should do with with the rest of their summer. Dan didn’t want to lose her, and he knew that he couldn’t be with her, and she was going off to Bristol, and Dan was taking a gap year and it’d be complicated. 

So they stay friends and they hang out at his house and go to parties, and watch movies. In a way things don’t change, but they’re learning to love the other as a friend and not as a lover. 

Erin wants to know more about Phil so he tells her, reluctantly at first, but she wants to know, and he wants to tell someone. It doesn’t hurt as bad as they thought it would, but some nights, when the loneliness really hits Dan he just wants to turn and see her there next to him, and it always feels a little colder.


	3. chapter 2.

**i.**

They talk a lot. And sometimes they don’t talk at all. A lot of the times it ends up being a long skype call where Dan does his own thing and Phil does his own thing but there’s small conversations throughout the call making it seem like the other can be there when they’re not. It’s something to fill in the silence, a small way to fill in the void and hole in between them having these long skype calls. Dan will end up talking about something that just came to his mind and Phil will react to it accordingly, and they’ll smile into the screen like they’re there. This kind of feeling was easy and something that Dan had already gotten used to and he didn’t know what to do with the feeling of someone wanting to talk to him and ask him things about himself without wanting anything back. Except of course -- Dan wanted to know everything about Phil. 

He hadn’t ever really had the best of friends in guys. While he had a lot of close friends, people he could count on to have a good time with when he needed it, close friendships didn’t come by a lot and he always had Erin and well he didn’t have Erin anymore. She was heading off to university in a couple of days and he was supposed to see her one last time but it had been hard to get ahold of her whether or not it was because of what she saw on twitter or because she was busy. He hoped it was the last thing. There had been a feeling that he couldn’t exactly push away whenever he thought of Erin and he thought of Phil. It had shifted to the things that he would normally tell Erin after a long day at work he’d end up telling Phil and it was all really confusing and he didn’t know where it would head, he just wanted to head _somewhere._

“Tell me something about you,” Phil said on the other line, Dan was playing on his DS and Phil was editing a video as best as he could but really he was tinkering around with sound effects. 

“What do you mean?” Dan asks, pausing his game and giving Phil his full attention. 

“What’s something you haven’t told anybody else?” Phil shrugs. They do this a lot. They tell each other truths. It’s not necessarily a game but they make it sound like one because it’s easier to tell things like that. Makes it seem less serious than it is. They’ve been hurt before. 

“Uh,” Dan had thought, trying to think of something that wasn’t incredibly lame but was personal enough. “Well, my grandmum gave me this bear,” Dan reaches over to grab the bear which had been laying by his pillow. “And I used to take it with me everywhere. We once went to Scotland, took a flight there and I was so attached to this thing it never left my side, well, one day we were leaving the hotel, and of course I’m the dumb arse that thought I had everything--” he groans, laughing a little now thinking back to it, “I was for sure that the bear was in my backpack. We had left the hotel and were in a taxi on our way to the airport when I opened my backpack and the bear wasn’t there. I threw a huge fit, I was crying so hard it was like someone was torturing me. My mum was yelling at me- my dad was yelling at me, Adrian was too young to understand what was going on so he started crying too because I was crying, my parents asked the taxi man to turn around to go back to the hotel and we eventually found it -- it had been stuffed in a drawer in our room.” Dan hides his face in his hands and lets out a deep breath. “I can’t even explain to you what it felt like, knowing that my parents were- were made at me for something I felt like I couldn’t control. Like -- those moments of not having my security bear were the worst thing to have happened to me. Of course at the time I thought that it had feelings and that it was mad at me for leaving it but…” he sighs now. 

“Aw, Dan,” Phil laughs lightly, and from what Dan can see he’s placing his fingers on the screen and Dan slowly does the same. 

“What about you?” Dan’s voice is soft, and low. 

“I sometimes think that…. I’m not really that good enough. Or smart enough. Or…. enough. Like I feel like I have to be someone I’m not? I don’t know if that makes sense- before it was kind of like I didn’t have a plan for… anything. School had kind of been my entire life for a while and for my parents that was good enough but there was still that pressure to have it sort of all together- and organized. They’d ask me what I was doing with my future and I always said that I had it figured out when really I didn’t -- and it kind of put a lot of, uh, stress and I just really wanted to do these videos -- I spent hours into making them good… enough. I just don’t feel it sometimes. But I act confident, and I act excited but I guess I’m just never sure--” Phil looked up like the ceiling would tell him something. Whenever Phil had talked about something that was on his mind and he wasn’t sure how it would be received he did this voice and Dan had picked up on it, and it was one of those times where Dan wished he could be next to him. “So, when you would like comment on my videos- and tell me what you liked and whatever- it was. It was nice.” 

Dan felt something stuck in his throat. He could have told him he loved him. He could have told him every single secret that he hid- in that very moment if he asked him to- if it made him feel better and that kind of power that Phil had over him was a lot to take in, he didn’t know how to react to it. 

“Well, you’re AmazingPhil for a reason, aren’t you?” Dan offered with a smile. Normally Dan would have cracked a joke, but it sounded like he needed that reassurance more than he led on. 

“I really like you,” Phil said, his voice was quiet like he was telling a secret. 

Dan had gulped, biting down on his bottom lip and looking down with a smile. It was a secret -- but one of the best kinds- the kind of secret that you hold in your heart and save for a rainy day.

“I really like you too,”

He wanted that to be enough. He really did. 

**ii.**

Dan sometimes has this recurring dream. It’s blue and dark, the fog is the forecast, he can’t exactly describe where he is in England, but there are cliffs and he’s looking over the edge of them and then there’s water. He doesn’t want to jump, but the fact that he could makes him feel powerful. In this dream there’s two way it ends: he jumps, and then there’s a free fall, the feeling of jumping and letting go before he crashes into the water is thrilling. And when he hits the water he wakes up in a sweat. The second ending is this, he’s looking over the edge, he’s scared, and alone, and then he feels a push, he’s being thrown off the cliff against his will, but there’s this feeling of peace knowing that he couldn’t have done anything different and he embraces the free fall and when he hits the water he wakes up, staring at the ceiling that he’s always known and nothing around him has really changed and yet it doesn’t stop him from evaluating why it happened. 

This is what it feels like whenever he’s talking to Phil. It wasn’t his choice to fall for him, and yet, it was like something inside of him had pushed him off that ledge and now he’s left with the choice to either close his eyes and let himself hit the water and drown or learn how to swim. 

Dan is on Skype with Phil, he’s looking at his Facebook feed and sees pictures that Erin has been tagged in and he clicks on them even though he really shouldn’t have. There’s a boy with his arm wrapped around her, although it doesn’t really mean anything -- Dan has no right to be angry or jealous he still feels something shift inside of him and it’s uncomfortable. He wonders if he’ll ever be comfortable enough in himself to say whatever he’s feeling to anyone -- he wonders if it’ll always be this thing that he shoves further and further down because telling someone that he’s hurting is scary. 

“What?” Phil says and it makes Dan jump a little. For a second he had forgotten he was on Skype call with Phil since they had been so quiet. He takes a deep breath and then shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter,” _it’s just bullshit,_ he thinks. 

Dan gnaws on his bottom lip and he kind of wants to get off the computer and just sleep. Phil doesn’t know him like that, he doesn’t understand how easily it is for Dan to fall off the wagon and just hide and he doesn’t want him to know this part of him. 

“It matters if it made you react like that,” Phil smiles at Dan a little with a shrug. 

“It’s nothing, Phil.” He says as he closes out of Facebook and sighs. 

“Do you always do that?” Phil asks curiously, he tilts his head as if it’ll make looking at Dan clearer. 

“Do what?” Dan sighs. 

“Push the people that care about you away.” 

If Dan could make himself small in his bed he would. He’d rather be an ant right now. It hurts too much to talk about. His parents had never asked him how he felt when he broke up with Erin. They knew. They just stared at him when he told them. His mother gave him the same kind of stare she did when he told her that kids played ‘Smear the Queer’, like he had done something wrong. It was a look he didn’t understand, and it haunted him. He wished he could tell Phil everything and it would be easy. He wished he could explain that there are days when he doesn’t want to be alive, and that sometimes he can’t eat because of his anxiety or blind rage and jealousy. He wished he could tell him that there’s this fear that if he admits he likes him then something bad will happen, and that Phil would eventually get tired of him and go away. 

“I don’t mean to?” He rubs the back of his neck and gulps, controlling his breathing. “I think it’s just easier.” Progress. 

Phil nods his head, he’s fuzzy for a second and then he’s back. From what Dan can see he’s touching the screen again as if to touch Dan and Dan does it back. 

“I want to do this thing with you,” Phil said, and then thinks for a second, “But I need to know if you want to do this thing with me too.” 

Dan stops breathing. 

“What do you want out of this?” Phil asks. 

Dan doesn’t speak. His fingers still touch the screen and he’s fighting every single thing that he fears, every single thing that kept him up at night as a small and curious boy that didn’t know if it was okay to like other boys. He takes a deep breath again. 

“I want you.” 

Phil listens, and then nods, “Good. Because I want that too. I want you to tell me everything that scares you. I won’t leave because of it -- I promise.”

Dan is eighteen years old and has loved so much within a short amount of time. There’s a different kind of love for every person because every person was different, Phil was new and fresh and dangerous. Even though when they talked Dan felt safe and could swear he understood what every love song meant because it was how he felt. It was dangerous for a boy to love another boy and he didn’t know where they’d be down the road, if this thing would last; he wanted it too. 

What happens next is this: they take their shirts off, and Dan is bare chested in front of Phil, and Dan mimics his movements, he brushes his hand against his collarbones like Phil does to himself, and Phil tells him that he’d kiss him there, and lick the hollow space in between. Phil promises to kiss every single invisible scar left by people whose intentions were to use him and hurt him. It’s a form of healing, even if Phil can’t actually touch him, or hug him, or kiss him, but he swears he wants to. 

It’s later in the night, both of their lights are off and the only light is the computer screen. They talked about Erin, and what it was like to love her, and Phil talks about the first boy he ever kissed and what it felt like. Dan has many questions, he wants to know everything. Phil goes in detail on his tongue, and Dan imagines that it’s him with his eyes closed. 

When four-thirty in the morning hits Dan feels a little hazy and in love, his eyes are drooping but he wants to talk to Phil until sunrise.

“Are you feeling it?” Phil asks, and Dan can’t fully understand what it means -- or the impact that Phil is asking, he can’t fathom it. What he does feel is tired bones, a heart aching for someone that can’t be there but only through a screen. He’s looking at Phil, and he’s the last thing he sees before his eyes shut. 

_Are you feeling it too?_

**iii.**

Dan buys his ticket to Manchester and the days leading up to it are not the best for him. He can’t quite pinpoint it. While he’s excited there’s this guilty feeling that’s always kind of there in the back of his mind -- waiting for it to crack and expose itself. _Was he ready for this?_

He’s sitting at the dinner table with his family and they’re talking about their day, he’s been getting in a lot of fights with his parents recently, Adrian keeps acting up at school and they always look at Dan when they talk about school. His mother is venomous sometimes, she talks about Dan when he’s in the room and doesn’t care if she hurts his feelings with the things that she says. His dad always agrees with her and it ends up him grabbing his coat and leaving for a while. He takes Bangy sometimes, but often times he doesn’t come back until after twelve am. He misses Erin sometimes in those quiet hours, when Wokingham has gone to sleep, and then Phil will text and ask him if he’s ready to Skype. 

When he gets back from his walk the light in the window is still on and he sees his mother sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, the telly is on but it doesn’t seem like she’s really paying attention to it as she looks up at Dan. He knows that he’s an adult now, and for the most part his parents never cared where he was as long as he came back home. 

“Where were you?” She asks with a sigh, drinking more of her wine, it gives her an edge that he’s not used to. She doesn’t drink this late, there must have been a fight after he left. 

He takes his jacket off and hangs it on the rack. “I walked our street, and I didn’t feel like coming back so I walked the next street, and the street after that,” He takes a deep breath and looks down. 

There was something that he was thinking about, what it had been like loving Erin and what it felt like loving Phil. There was a difference in the kind of love, a difference in the way he reacted to both of them. He felt guilty loving Phil and he didn’t know where that guilt came from and he wished that he could ask his mother about it, he wished she could give him some guidance but there are somethings that they don’t talk about and love was one of them. Maybe it was his fault that he didn’t speak up, maybe that was the problem the whole time was because he never said anything that was on his mind but he didn’t want to be a problem or a nuisance. 

“Okay,” she says, and that’s it. Her glass is empty now, she stands up and goes to the kitchen and Dan goes upstairs. He looks at his phone and there’s a text from Phil. 

_I don’t know if you’re asleep or not >.< but I think you should post the video!!! it’ll be good i promise! Txt me when you can ily <3_

**iv.**

They’re on Skype when Dan starts to upload his video. 

“I’m nervous Phil,” he says with a sweaty forehead, his hair is starting to curl. 

“It’ll be fine,” Phil says with a small laugh, he’s eating crisps on his bed and Dan looks at him for a second and gives him the middle finger. 

“That’s easy for you to say,” He groans, watching as it goes from thirty minutes to twenty, to ten. 

“Just think that you’ll be here soon. We’re going to have so much fun,”

“Oh my god, Phil, it’s done.” He gulps looking at Phil who’s smiling at him with thumbs up. 

“Press publish and then log out and help me plan on the things we should do when you get here.”

Dan’s fingers hover over the button before he inevitably presses down on it and then he links it to twitter and then he gets off both. 

“You did it, Dan. You’re a youtuber.” 

**v.**

The train to Manchester is long. He as a big bundle of nerves, texting Phil updates of what people were doing on the train, he tried to get a nap in knowing that they might just stay up all night talking or doing other things. He had rested his head against the cool of the window and watched the countryside go by. He tried to clear his mind, not think about anything other than the music playing in his ear. The truth was, he just couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he was going to meet Phil and that they were going to be together even if it was just for a few days. This was easy. This didn’t hurt. 

He had imagined this day for a long time, he had watched couples on the train lean into each other and he burrowed himself in his coat more, but he knew that it was quite bulky and when he’d meet Phil he’d have to take it off. It didn’t make him look particularly nice but it did make him feel warm. The couple across from him had their arms wrapped around each other and he tried hard not to imagine that it could be him and Phil. It was just scenarios that he fantasized. They were nice to think about, he had fallen asleep for a good while and then the train had stopped and it was over. 

He woke up feeling a little dazed but grabbed his luggage and his bag and slung it over his shoulder, following the crowd out the train. His heart felt like it was just going to fall right out of his chest. He had friends online, he talked to them sometimes, Phil had been put into this little category that was something special. He didn’t know what they were -- if they were anything at all other than best friends. He was determined to keep this, whatever it was. He was thinking of all the times that Phil had been there for him during long days at work, he could just come home and Phil would be there on the other line. 

His phone buzzed. 

_Im waiting for you! When u leave the platform turn left and I’ll be by the doors :]_

 

It takes a while to shuffle out past the first set of glass doors, and he’s greeted by fast food chains, to his right he can see the big board displaying the trains arriving and leaving. He had been to Manchester before, once when he was a kid, and then another time with his friends for a concert. This time felt different than those previous times. 

Small luggage in hand, he shuffled passed groups of people stopping to say hello to loved ones. His eyes scanned the crowd for Phil, he wanted to throw up. It was a feeling that he had never felt before -- it was a mix of anxiety, and excitement, also maybe a heart attack? He couldn’t be sure what a heart attack felt like but he was feeling too many emotions at once he could be having one right now. 

“Dan!” He saw a hand waving, and Phil had come into view, walking passed the person that had blocked his view. Dan felt like he was sweating profusely, at least his hands were sweaty, he shook his head and laughed, walking closer towards Phil.

When they had gotten close enough, Dan didn’t know what to do, but he didn’t have time to think about it because Phil was bringing him in for a hug and for a second Dan had frozen before he kicked himself internally and then his arms wrapped around Phil, locking himself to him for the briefest of moments, inhaling him as much as he could -- it might have looked weird, he started to second guess himself but Phil wasn’t moving, but he had become very aware of the people around him, but he was enjoying this too much to move. His chin had fit perfectly against his shoulder. He felt one last comforting squeeze and they had pulled apart. 

“Hi,” Phil said, his smile was big, Dan wasn’t imagining that the smile that he was having was just for him. It was the kind of smile that Dan wanted to save for a rainy day. 

“Hi.” Dan said back, his eyes glancing at the plaid shirt that he was wearing and the jacket he had put over it. 

Phil had reached out and grabbed Dan’s hand to lead him out of the busy station, and when they got passed the doors, his hand was gone. The feeling of Phil’s hand against Dan left an invisible mark, he felt warm all over his body. 

He had thought before, how this would feel like, being in the presence of someone that he really, really liked, and those fantasies were nothing compared to what it felt like now. He had thought to himself that maybe these feelings were just something that would go away once he saw Phil in real life, but now all he could think about was the burn on his fingertips, desperately wanting to hold on to something real. Phil was real. 

Phil had looked back at Dan with the same smile and he could have told him then. 

**vi.**

The plan was to take the bus to Phil’s house, that way Dan could drop off his stuff and get settled in before they went back out to Manchester and explore the city a little bit. Phil had called his mum when they sat down and Dan kept smiling and laughing as he was retelling his mum what it took to get down here and the interesting characters he had of course ran into on the bus on the way here. Dan was tired, he wanted to rest against Phil, and he knew that he could, but he wasn’t sure if he should. Instead, he had slipped his fingers in between the tiny space between him so he could touch Phil without it being this big thing. 

When Phil had gotten off the phone he slipped it in his backpack pocket and turned a little to look at Dan who was looking at him. He could have leaned in then, that would have been their first kiss on this bus, he didn’t want that. He could never track down this bus for memorium in the future if he ever wanted to. Phil’s hands do tangle themselves in with Dan’s. He doesn’t react to it, just looks out Phil’s window with a smile, trying to familiarize this, he has a feeling they’re going to be going back and forth a lot the next couple of months. 

“How was your train?” Phil asks, his voice is lowered now, eyes darting to look at the people around him but still holding his hand. He has a bravery about him, it oozes off of him from what Dan can tell thus far. He wants to be that brave. 

“Boring.” Dan shrugs, “I tried for looking magazines at the WHSmith before I left but it was too expensive and couldn’t find one that I liked,”

It’s not the place, or the time, but Dan wants to know everything about Phil, he wants to ask him all the questions that he’s bottled up just to ask him when he met him. Though the funny thing about this was, he knew quite a bit about Phil already, it was like he had completely forgotten about the fact that they existed together on the internet for months, it was like learning something new about him, that he was more than just a screen and pixels, he was a living and breathing form. 

Over the next thirty minutes they had made small talk, nothing extravagant, but it was nice to be able to talk for long periods of time and have a silence that was comfortable, it was better than a Skype call. 

When they got to Phil’s house he had studied the outside of it, and looked around the neighbourhood, and Phil unlocked the door to his house and he could smell the unfamiliar but comforting smell of Phil but amped up to a whole other level being in his house. He had never known smells to be comforting really, but he wanted to soak this in. 

“Up here,” Phil had grabbed him by the hand again and led him up the stairs to his bedroom, turning the light on. 

Phil’s room is… very Phil, that’s all Dan could think of, he has a smirk noticing the background that he’s used to, the wall behind his bed, and Dan walks towards his window, and can finally make out his backyard that he’s gotten a picture of a time or two. He sees that the couch is made for Dan, he sets his stuff on there and then sits for a moment. 

“My mum told me to make the couch… I did it so I didn’t feel guilty,” he chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck, “Y-you can sleep with me. If you want.” 

“Take me out to dinner first, Phil,” Dan smirks at him and gets up and gets closer to him, it looks like he’s going to kiss him, and he really is thinking about it, but something stops him. What he does do is wrap his arms around him and holds on to Phil tight, burying himself in him as much as he can. 

“I will, tonight, you’ll see.” Phil had muttered into Dan’s shoulder. They stood there for what felt like hours even though it hadn’t been a minute yet. 

“Hi,” Phil says, almost rocking them. 

“Hi,” Dan says again, this feels like a proper hello. 

**vii.**

Dan had only so much time in Manchester, and Phil had plans, he had written a list on a piece of paper that Dan wanted to claim after the trip. Although he had told Phil over Skype before he came that didn’t mind if all they did was just hang on his couch -- he came for Phil, and he could tell that Phil felt like he had to take him around, partly to show Dan the places that were important to him, but also it may or may not help convince him to come to school here. Although he wouldn’t tell Phil that he already planned on trying to. 

“Not that many people this time of day,” Phil commented as they were in line for the Manchester Wheel as well as a few other people. It had rained not too long ago and the sun was breaking through the clouds. Dan felt a little self conscious all of a sudden, they had been alone a lot of the time, going from one place to the next and yet getting on this rig in such an enclosed space felt different. They were in this intimate small bubble yet surrounded by people who didn’t know them but could watch them. He didn’t know when he became so aware of that fact but he was trying hard not to mind it. He didn’t know what he was even afraid of. 

Phil was brave in a lot of ways, he was the one who reached out to touch Dan first. He was the one that found ways to wrap an arm around him even if it was for a small amount of time. In so many ways Phil made Dan’s skin feel like it was on fire because of how carefully Phil handled him. They held hands on the bus back to the city, at starbucks, and in between different stores, and even now. Dan didn’t mind it, he just didn’t initiate it. He tried not to be too in his head but he was afraid to fuck it up. 

“There ya go lads,” the guy had taken their tickets and ripped the edge off and let them in the cabin. Because it wasn’t that busy they were able to have the cabin to themselves. 

“It’s quite a tight space, isn’t it?” Dan observed, and they were quite tall, too. They had moved up just a bit, and they watched as the people behind their cabin had climbed in. 

Dan had sat down on the seat and Phil had joined him, intertwining their fingers. 

Dan looked down at their fingers and he thought about how different it felt to holding Erin’s hand. It was crazy how he had dated people in the past before Erin, but it was really Erin who had carved into his skin, and the way that he loved bled out slowly into Phil, she paved the way for him, and maybe the destination was Phil all along, he couldn’t know for sure, it was too early but he had fallen for Phil so hard. There were butterflies in the pit of his stomach, it was welcoming and warm but also nauseating kind of feeling that he hadn’t had in awhile. 

Phil had looked at Dan like he was the only thing in the world as they had climbed higher up and the impressive view of Manchester was surrounding them. The only noise they could hear was the machine they were on, and their slow breathing. Dan had gotten up, still holding on to his hand and Phil had too, they looked at what they could see which was the Manchester Cathedral, some tall business buildings and Piccadilly Garden. 

“It’s pretty,” Phil had commented, looking at the Cathedral. 

Dan wasn’t paying attention to anything other than Phil’s profile as he looked down. Dan was feeling brave. He had let go of Phil’s hand which had made Phil turn to look at him and smile but having a questioning look on his face as Dan had stepped closer to him, he had rested his hands on Phil’s waist, pulling him closer by his jacket, their foreheads touched, and Dan knew that if he didn’t make a move Phil would make it for him and he wanted to be the one. While Dan had felt like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode at any given moment, he had closed the distance between them and kissed him. 

There were a million thoughts going on in Dan’s mind as he felt Phil respond to the kiss with what seemed like _anticipation_ , like he had been waiting for him to do it, to be the one, he deepened the kiss, feeling the slip of his tongue and Dan felt light headed, but in the best kind of way, like he was in this weird dream state and he didn’t want to wake up from because this was too good -- too good to be true. With his fists curling around the fabric in his hand a little tighter he had thought, _So this is it. This is what it feels like to kiss a boy._

**viii.**

Time doesn’t seem to slow down as much as Dan would like it to. It was always time that was ruining things. He woke up early in the morning, unable to sleep any more because of his thoughts, but also because he was excited that he was here, in Phil’s bed, the rain had started about an hour ago and his house was cold even under the amount of blankets that they had on them. He had turned into Phil and let himself sap up his warmth although Phil’s body had ran cold. Phil pressed his feet on to Dan’s legs before they had dozed off into sleep last night and it had made him yelp. It was a nice memory. 

They plan to film a video later, although on top of the other things that they planned on doing- filming a video isn’t at the top of the list. 

Dan stares at Phil’s rested features, from how close he is he can see every blemish on Phil’s face, as well as the freckles that are scattered but are hidden well over his nose and even on his forehead. His fingers reach out and touch his forehead, moving hair out of the way, his fingers delicately touching his skin and smoothing it over. 

Last night hadn’t felt as weird as he thought it would. Sleeping next to a boy wasn’t something that he’d ever think that he do -- but then again Phil was a first for Dan in a lot of ways. A lot of it was out of instinct, he felt a bit scared at times that he was going to do something wrong, but Phil had guided him as best as he could when it came to other things. Dan thought about all the things they did last night when they had gotten home from their night out at the skybar. 

The kisses weren’t as soft as before, there was almost a sense of urgency but Dan had lost himself in the moment when his fingers had fumbled against the buttons of Phil’s shirt. He didn’t think about how nervous he had been, it was almost like some sort of muscle memory regardless of how long they have physically known each other. He had thought about that Skype call, how he touched himself, imagining Phil touching him and how it made him feel to actually have Phil there, holding him, but also getting Dan off. 

He had nothing to compare it to. 

Dan had closed his eyes again, face buried in Phil’s chest. 

When he had woken up again, the rain was gone but it was still overcast and Phil was reading a book. Dan had taken a moment to wake up before he smiled sleepily at Phil. 

“Marioooo,” Phil had said, trying to imitate the voice before putting the book on the ground and bending over to kiss Dan on the lips. 

“Mari-o’morning breath, you mean,” Dan had said after, smirking up at Phil for a moment before placing a hand behind Phil’s neck and pulling him closer to him. 

And they had laid like that for what felt like hours, Phil on top of Dan, holding each other like their life had depended on it. He could hear his grandmother’s voice ringing in his ear the first time he had brought Erin over for a visit, _“Oh to be young and in love,”_

_Love._

That’s what this was. 

It was love. 

It felt like he had these series of almost I love you’s. This moment was one of them.

“Want to take a shower?” Phil suggests against Dan’s neck. 

“Yeah.” Dan whispers back, his hands moving up Phil’s back. When they kiss again, he can feel it -- what they mean to say but don’t say. 

That’s most of their day spent -- in the shower, and back in bed, touching and feeling as much as they can, with little to no words being spoken. Dan is learning things about Phil, and how he likes to be touched and held. Phil tells him that he likes his hair curly even though when they film Dan is going to have to straighten his hair, because there are insecurities that Dan still has even if Phil tells him he looks nice otherwise. 

They talk about Youtube and how Phil is proud of him, and how hard it is posting your first video. Phil speaks briefly about his friend named Charlie, who Dan has heard about but not all about. There’s a single glimmer in Phil’s eye when he talks about Charlie, a sort of fondness that he doesn’t know if it could be love or lust or if it’s just friendship. Although with the way that Phil kisses Dan after mentioning it he’s silly to think that it’s anything else but friendship, but he doesn’t let it go. 

It’s not like their Skype calls where Dan can just pan the computer away from his face so he doesn’t give Phil a worried reaction that he’d comment about. Dan in most uncomfortable situations tends to stutter through his words a bit and looks away because it’s easier than looking the person in the face but Phil wants to talk about those things. It’s frightening to know about people who came before you and he wonders if this is how Phil felt when he used to bring up Erin. 

“He means something to you.” Dan eventually says, pressing his fingertips into Phil’s cheeks. It makes Phil laugh a little, swatting his hands away and bringing him close. 

“Yeah he does. But we don’t have to talk it.” Phil closes his eyes but his hands rub small circles across Dan’s back, it’s comforting, it reminds him of how badly Dan had been touched starved since before he came to see Phil. 

Dan had thought before about him being a ticking time bomb, that seemed very prevalent right now in the moment, with Phil looking at him like he was the most important thing in the world. He hadn’t been used to the intense way that Phil stared at him, he gave him his full attention in a way that no one really had before. If this trip had showed Phil anything, Dan had thought, it was the fact that Dan could talk his ear off, about shit that he probably didn’t care about, but after each rant from tv shows- to music, Phil had consistently asked further questions about it, without hesitation. He cried with Dan, although the movie they watched had been a heartbreaking in general, just the fact that he wasn’t afraid to had meant something to Dan. It was these small things, these small details that he felt that feeling, that insane amount of pressure rise from the pit of his stomach, and now stuck in the middle of his throat. He was finding it hard to breathe. 

They’re on the couch now, Dan has his arm around Phil and they’re watching Buffy, it’s a show that Dan is getting into because Phil loves it. He’s thinking about how nice this feels, and Phil is explaining in depth about a scene that he’s seen a million times but wants Dan to know because it means a lot to him and Dan just wants him to keep talking about it. He likes hearing about all the things that Phil loves and he hopes that Dan is one of those things. 

“So they have sex and he turns evil?” Dan questions, about Angel and Buffy, shaking his head, “That’s so shit,” he later laughs. 

Phil nods his head excitedly, “I know. It really messed me up, it gets crazier because of Faith and what she does with that power,” 

“Faith is hot.” Dan observes. 

“I know.” 

It’s really the first time Phil mentions finding a girl attractive, they hadn’t really talked about girls that much -- other than Dan’s history with them and Phil’s lack of history (other than a few), but it’s funny to hear about it. Dan’s intrigued and wants to ask him more but he doesn’t, he keeps the comment in his pocket and with a smile. It was comforting in a way- knowing that it was okay to think girls or boys were attractive without making it into such a big deal. Being in Wokingham and having this mentality that it just had to be one thing all the time drove him crazy- even if he was still fighting that feeling that he had to like strictly one gender at a time. 

“You’re hot.” Phil says- almost like he could read Dan’s mind and the way that he thought spiralled. 

“I know.” Dan jokes, turning a little so he could kiss him. 

Phil is hovering over Dan on the couch, his cheeks are flushed along with Dan’s, and all Dan can think about is the fact that he has a very beautiful boy on top of him, and how much it’s going to suck when he’s gone. 

The feeling of being long distance again after experiencing what it’s like to have him, to have Phil here in his little bubble carries with him when they film something for Phil’s channel. It very quickly disappears after the first two questions and he forgets that he was even thinking it in the first place. And when Phil falls on top of him there’s that feeling again, they won’t be able to do this again for a while, so he basks in this feeling of closeness while he can. 

Dan and Phil are tired bones, laying in bed, whispering and kissing in the dark, hands exploring what they can reach.

“I love you,” Dan whispers, the words easily rolling off his tongue, he felt vulnerable, but also invincible to be the first one to say it out loud. “I’m unsure about…. A lot of things in my life -- but not about you.” 

Phil’s eyes go soft as he reaches out to cup Dan’s face, they both know that in the morning he’ll be gone because he has to go home, but they can enjoy the now. 

“I’m glad that you can be sure about me,” Phil whispers back, their foreheads touch and there’s only the sound of them breathing for a moment, and then without any hint of hesitation Phil replies, “I love you too.”

**ix.**

Dan had a lot to think about on the train back home. It was a hard goodbye, even though they’d probably be seeing each other soon he tried not to get into a thought spiral, though it was very easy with his mind to get stuck on the one thing. He felt different, like he had changed somehow. He had, in a way. He had said those three words that can make or break someone. There were implications when it came to those words, they had held meaning. He didn’t like to use those words sparingly, whenever he said it normally it was out of hyperbole, but he had meant it when he told them to Phil. 

_On my way back home. Wish you could stay forever :( xx_

Dan reads the text Phil sent with a smile on his face. 

_I know :( i’ll see u soon. Skype tonight?_

Dan rests his head against the cool of the window watching as the countryside starts to become more prominent. It really wasn’t that bad of a train ride back, there were a lot of pretty things to admire but he was feeling sad. 

_DEFINITELY :D_

Phil texts back and Dan puts his phone in his pocket. 

When his mum picks him up at the train station she smiles at him briefly but doesn’t ask much else. Eventually, he’ll have to tell her everything. Eventually these feelings that he’s been repressing will be fleshed out in the open waiting to be consumed and picked apart by his family and friends. He thinks back to that party, the look on Erin’s face when she had found out that he didn’t fully belong to her. He felt selfish. 

He knew that his parents would probably understand -- it may take them a while to process it but they would understand. His grandmum on the other hand- the person who meant the world to him, he didn’t know. 

“Did you have fun, Daniel?” His mum had eventually asked, killing the silence in between them. There was the feeling knowing that they left a lot of things unsaid, arguments never got resolved they just got dropped. Perhaps that had to do with his age and just the general lack of his parents interest in him, he couldn’t blame them entirely, he didn’t talk to them, because like with most things he didn’t want to burden them. Though it seemed every time they did try and have a conversation it drove back to what he was doing with his life and where he wanted to go. 

His mother mentioned he study Philosophy like her, or maybe Law since it could open opportunities. 

“I did, yeah,” He smiles when she asks, his voice is a bit hoarse. 

“You go back to work tomorrow, yeah?” They weren’t too far from home now. 

“Yeah.” He sighs. In a couple of days his grandmum was going to take him and his brother to Windsor to explore the castle. 

“Are you going to see your friend again?” His mum pulls up to their house, he didn’t miss it. She parks and takes the keys out of the ignition as she looks at her son. He can see that she wants to ask more maybe and he desperately wants to tell her everything but it doesn’t feel right. 

“Y-yeah, I am. I think so, yeah.” He nods his head quickly, grabbing his bags and then escaping the car as quickly as he can. 

Home doesn’t feel like home anymore. Everything is the same. He swears his dad hasn’t actually moved from his recliner, and he can hear the speakers from Adrian’s room and a song from My Chemical Romance, Dan had suggested it to him regardless of his parents disagreement about him being too young. 

“Dan,” His dad says from the recliner, not looking up from his book. 

“Dad,” Dan replies, nodding his head even though he’s not looking at Dan. 

He practically runs up the stairs and then shuts his door. His room is familiar but not the same. He wonders if that feeling will ever go away. He misses Phil terribly and it feels so cold in his house despite the heater running. 

He grabs his cellphone and puts it on the charger and he calls Phil putting him on speaker. It rings for a while and Dan thinks that Phil probably fell asleep. 

“Hello? Dan?” Phil’s voice sounds sleepy. He definitely woke him up. 

“Sorry, sorry, I just got home -- you can go back to sleep.” He knew that they were supposed to Skype tonight but Dan had gotten home later than expected and Phil must have been tired. 

“No, s’alright. I don’t mind. I thought we were Skyping?” He can hear him move in his bed and he wonders if he feels it too. 

“Yeah… sorry, I just, I hate it, I want to go back already.” Dan’s laugh is small, but there’s nothing really entertaining about it. 

“Move here please,” Phil says with a yawn. 

“I will. We’ll find a way.” Dan smiles into the phone, they had always joked about moving in together not too long after they started talking, but now that they had progressed into whatever this was -- it seemed like a more feasible plan that he could live with. They wanted to be together, and they would find ways to make it happen and that was all that mattered to him. He just needed it to look forward to. 

“Dan, I love you, but I really am falling asleep,” Phil’s voice is soft, and low, and he feels like he’s there with him for a second. 

“Okay, Phil. We’ll Skype tomorrow. Love you.” It still feels odd to say it, but it feels right. 

**x.**

There was something special about being involved with a group of people, taking London as their own for the night, Dan couldn’t quite put his finger on it but it was special to him. He had gotten to know other Youtubers and they had talked video ideas. Compared to other Halloween nights this had to been his favourite and he knew that Phil was a good part of it. 

They were at Jubilee Gardens, right by the London Eye, close enough to the Thames to throw a coin in and if you were to walk down left of the Eye you’d eventually run into the Sea Life London Aquarium and across the Thames, Big Ben. They didn’t really plan on coming over here, the Eye had closed at 6pm though tourists came for pictures just to say that they’ve been there. Dan had always loved London in a way -- it had reminded him people that he wanted to make best friends with but it seemed so unattainable.

Phil had walked silently next to him as the group decided to just walk along the Thames with their big boom box playing the Monster Mash for the fourth time in a row. There were other songs but it was like the group wanted other people to know that they were having a good time, and for once Dan kind of felt like that he had belonged so he didn’t mind it that much. 

“How are you doing?” Phil had walked a little closer to Dan and he smiled at him. 

“I’m a little hungry,” Dan whispered, and then he had heard some loud yelling from one of the guys in the group. 

“Oh my god, I thought I was the only one,” Phil laughs quietly, like they’re keeping their need for food a secret, as if not to disturb the ambiance. 

“Didn’t they want to go to a couple of clubs or something? I kind of can’t come back home hungover, my mum might actually kill me,” Dan had heard his mother’s warning in the back of his head when he told her he was going to London for Halloween -- she hadn’t been ecstatic about him leaving, not that she didn’t really trust him, it’s just she didn’t know anyone that he was going with, and he’d only mentioned Phil a few times. 

“Yeah, I think so. If you want we can just get some food and then go back to where we’re staying?” Phil had brushed his hands against Dan’s and he was tempted to just hold his damn hand. He was sure that everyone here must have suspected something or thought that they were maybe something because of all the things they had posted together, but there was still this thing that was holding him back. He knew these people for only a few hours and while he might have talked to a few online, there was still that lack of security in knowing the consequences.

“Sounds good.” Dan had grabbed Phil’s hand and squeezed it before letting go. 

* 

“Are you guys leaving?” One of the girls had asked, they were near Piccadilly Circus, people had already split off near Oxford Street and around the clubs that were near them here. There was loud music blaring from all different directions. 

Dan and Phil had looked at each other for a second before Phil had walked up to the girl and gave her a hug, “I think so. We’re kind of hungry and clubbing isn’t really our thing.” 

_Clubbing isn’t really our thing_ , Dan thinks to himself, and he smiles a bit, walking over to the new friend he’s made and hugs her too. 

“It was nice to meet you.” Dan waves to her before linking his arms with Phil. Much like in Manchester, he was trying to be brave, and it took small steps. It wasn’t holding his hand but it was good enough. 

“I saw a kebab truck by the fountain if that interests you?” Phil rose an eyebrow looking at Dan, both of their costumes make-up was smeared all over their face and Dan’s straightened hair was starting to curl from prior events. The night was winding down for them but was alive for many. There were groups of people like theirs with their own set of boom boxes playing England’s Top Hits and as they were walking, arms linked, he had heard the familiar sound of Disturbia from Rihanna. There wasn’t anything particularly important about the song -- but it had reminded him of the night of the party with Erin. It was funny how music did that. He looked back at the people but he didn’t know them. 

He realized he never answered Phil. “Oh, yeah, that’s fine.” 

They walked in silence, now that they had all this time to themselves it was like Dan didn’t know what to say. He was just glad that he was here with him even if their time was really limited. At least they were staying at the same place and he could get in some cuddles before they went their separate ways again. It wasn’t for very long but it felt like. 

Phil had unlinked their arms and interlocked their fingers regardless of the small panic Dan had earlier about it. Phil had looked at him for a second, as if telepathically asking him if it was okay, and if it wasn’t he could let go. Dan didn’t want him to let go. He squeezed his hand and nodded. PDA wasn’t something that Dan was comfortable with in general -- he had talked fondly about Erin, in a way that was his love language — words, but there were times when physical affection was nice -- he had been wanting to do this all night. 

It was getting colder and the streets were wet from the light rain they had gotten earlier. To the rest of the world they were two tall guys dressed as a cat and bear, it wasn’t of any importance -- they weren’t important in the grand scheme of things but it had meant something to Dan. He wanted to store these memories. Soon he’d have a lot of responsibilities about his future and school and right now he just kind of wanted to freeze this moment of being able to freely walk hand in hand with this guy that he loved. 

_Loved._ He smiled again, holding on to Phil’s hand a little tighter. 

When they found the kebab truck they had waited in line with the many other intoxicated group of people, they had observed other people’s costumes secretly thinking of how shit theirs were, and laughed. 

With their Gyros in hand they found themselves back at the fountain they passed by on the way. 

“What happened in between the time frame of us passing this?” Dan had laughed, it was like there was no one there now other than a couple of teenagers but they were asleep on the benches, it had made Dan curious but he tried not to dwell on it too much, of course London wasn’t quiet -- there were still cars zooming pass them, red double decker buses going back to where they came from though no one knew where. A black taxi parked not too far from them waiting for drunken passengers, Dan wondered their stories especially on a night like this. 

His phone buzzed, it was a text from his mum. 

_Did you have fun? Be safe ill see you at the station tmrw xx_

He placed his food on the edge of the fountain and typed back a quick reply.

_i did! thanks mum see u soon x_

“I don’t want to go back home tomorrow.” Phil spoke quietly. He took the last remaining bite from his Gyro and waited for Dan to finish to grab his trash too so he could throw it away. 

When Phil sat back down he took Dan’s hand again, noticing the strand of curly hair in Dan’s face and pushed it back and away from his eyes. 

“Me neither.” Dan sighed, moving closer to Phil. 

They sat their, staring into each other’s eyes, communicating with their eyes a language only they could understand. It was insane for him to think that not too long ago they were strangers and yet Dan trusted Phil with his life. If there was anything that Phil wanted he’d do his best to get it for him. He wanted to scream from a mountain top of how much he loved this human sitting across from him, if he only had the courage and the voice to do so. It was the small and intimate moments like these where he felt his age; eighteen and in love, but feeling like a small child that wasn’t quite prepared for the world and needing a hand to hold. 

Phil had reached over, his hands cupping Dan’s cheek, his thumbs pressing smoothly into the tints of red of his cheek before he pulled Dan closer for a kiss. Dan had melted into him, like snow to a flame. 

When Phil pulled away Dan had gone in for more, he wasn’t done yet. He didn’t want this to end yet. He felt like a little kid who had gotten to taste the sweet victories of life, he didn’t know how to go back to anything else. It was like when his mother had given him and his brother treats for being good, it was so rare that she gave them treats that when he got it he just wanted more and he’d do anything to have more. 

Dan had loved Phil so much he couldn’t breathe. So they pulled away, resting their foreheads against the other, _breathing, breathing, breathing,_ and Dan had kissed him again. 

He didn’t want to leave this moment, and he knew that he’d miss it once they did. 

They sat there at the fountain for as long as their bodies could take it before agreeing that they’d be more comfortable at the place they were staying at, and when they had gotten back they stripped down to just t-shirts, not bothering to take off their markered whiskers and noses, tangling their legs together. 

**xi.**

There was a difference. It wasn’t completely noticeable but enough for Dan to know how different their relationships were. Stephen and Charlie were loud, they talked enough for both Dan and Phil. Though it wasn’t uncomfortable in the slightest -- Dan had actually loved being able to get to know Phil’s friends, and seeing Phil in a different light -- see how he belonged to other people in different ways. They were all content creators in their own ways, Phil had already had this following and internet persona that Dan had loved before he got to know the Phil in Real Life. There was a difference -- but it was good. It kept Phil safe, it kept people interested. 

He was starting to think about that a lot as they had all explored Manchester together. It was November and the days were shorter and colder. Sometimes Stephen and Charlie would hold hands and be in front of Dan and Phil, and then they would split apart, they’d talk about something on the other’s mind and Phil would join in, offering information of how Dan had liked this or that -- it was nice to know, and have that confirmation, that Phil knew Dan in a very intimate way to speak for him. 

So the differences didn’t actually hurt that much -- Dan and Phil weren’t even really a couple yet but they were on their way to be -- if you were to label it, and no one had directly asked, they were together. It was a scary thing to put a label on something that can be crushed so easily, that’s how Dan saw it. Ever since he had started Youtube and seeing what people said online, and what internet friends had vaguely tried to skirt around, he was noticing things, noticing the way people acted around him, acted around people who were out and proud. Dan could laugh at hate comments, because then it objectifies it as this thing that doesn’t have any sort of control over his life, it holds no value. 

“Thanks for video recording, Dan!” Stephen had hugged Dan again for the second time today, and Dan never really knew how to handle people hugging him. He liked hugs well enough -- but he wasn’t someone that was given a lot of affection other than really Phil. 

Being part of this community of content creators had opened him up a little and he tried not to be that awkward kid anymore but sometimes he made situations uncomfortable because he didn’t know how to act. This day was proving to be a lot of fun but also incredibly challenging- giving his attention to other people, he couldn’t wait to just crash with Phil and do nothing for a couple of hours. 

“No problem.” Dan had offered, quickly wrapping his arms around Stephen. 

Dan had gone back home with Phil, who convinced him to stay another night. 

It was nice to be able to return to Phil’s house and it feeling like home, with his parents reading on the couch and talking to the boys for a few minutes about what they did. His parents seemed to appreciate the effort that Phil went to with his videos, Dan thought of what his parents would say if he had decided to go fulltime with Youtube -- he knew that they probably wouldn’t be so welcoming. Though that wasn’t to say that Phil had often talked to his parents about his career -- there were a lot of factors to it, he supposed. Youtube was still so small in hindsight, but Phil had a good following. 

Dan sometimes felt like he just leeched off of that and he felt guilty. 

“Goodnight boys,” Kathryn yelled as they started to half jog up the stairs. 

When Phil closed the door he had pulled Dan in for a kiss. 

“Thank you for filming.” Phil whispered against his lips. They couldn’t really do anything seeing that Phil’s parents were still up, but this was nice, Dan had forgotten how much he needed these small little validations that he was loved by someone. He wondered if that constant feeling of needing validation would go away but he was glad that Phil gave it to him. 

Phil had such a unique mind and way of showing Dan that he loved him. He was either talking about Dan and the weird things he does, or he was drawing on Dan little doodles, naming them some commonly used name and yet it became Dan’s favourite names and they’d come up with some kind of stories or the doodles. 

Sometimes Phil would talk about the things he wanted to do in the future, how he wished he was _more_ sometimes. Whenever Dan would ask him what he meant by more, Phil could never really explain it. He just didn’t feel complete a lot of the time, like there were still these tetris blocks in his life that weren’t stacked like he needed them to be -- it was messy, unorganized, and it felt very vulnerable to Dan to see him like that. It was very rare but Phil was always honest with him and he couldn’t ask for anything better. 

“You’re welcome.” Dan eventually said, pulling his shirt over his head and grabbing his pajama shirt and putting it on. 

They were best friends first. Dan had thought about earlier, the difference between Stephen and Charlie, and his relationship with Phil. Dan did things for Phil that were small and subtle, and sometimes they were grand, but he did it because he wanted to, not that he was obligated to. Phil was his best friend, because he could call him at any time of the day, whenever work got to be too hectic he’d just text him a frowny face and Phil would spam him with millions of text messages to come back to and it would make him feel better. 

Phil knew that Dan hated Jaffa cakes, and that when he was little he chipped his tooth, and that his parents were going to name him Yazi if he had been born a girl, and sometimes he wished he was closer to his little brother, and that Erin was the first girl and person that he had really let in, and eventually Dan had told Phil the night of the infamous party. 

They didn’t talk a lot about it, they didn’t talk a lot about sexuality, other than what they felt for each other. It wasn’t because it was uncomfortable but they were in such a good period in their life that it didn’t really seem like it was that important. They were just two guys, two guys that made videos and were young, and in love. 

When they went to bed that night, they kissed and kissed, and held on to each other, and Phil thanked him for staying another night. Dan said that it was such a hard decision for him to make, but they’d have fun tomorrow even if Dan was going back home. 

**xii.**

December always seemed like a fast month whenever it came around. It’s preparing for holiday parties, and spending all your money on gifts for family and friends. At least that was basically what his family was preparing for. Most of his friends that had gone off to Uni were coming back for the winter holidays and he hadn’t made that many plans to see them, only a few. 

He had gotten back from Phil’s a couple days ago, his friend Jamie had invited him to a Christmas party at his house and his mum had encouraged Dan to go -- it had been a long time since Dan had hung out with people that were literally his age and not Phil. He had tried to make biscuits for the Christmas party but they didn’t turn out as well as he thought so he went to the store to get some and put them into a food container to make it look like he made them. It was horrible, he knew it, but he was really just trying to save people from probable poisoning. 

“Are you nervous?” Phil had asked over the phone, he was on speaker getting while Dan got ready for the party. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty nervous,” Dan sighed, grabbing the Christmas jumper he was given from his grandmum last year. “I don’t know who is all going so that’s kind of putting me on edge?” Dan was starting to outgrow his clothes again, Phil had observed that he was slowly changing, claiming that maybe Dan was a beautiful caterpillar turning into a butterfly. 

“You can text me all night if you want, I have nothing to do but edit a video and plan for the Christmas Adventure. You get here in four days!” It seemed not that long ago, (because it wasn’t), the last time that they had seen each other but yet there was still this overwhelming excitement that they were going to be there with each other soon, and both Dan and Phil’s parents had commented about it. 

Dan’s mum seemed to ask questions that beat around the bush when it came to his relationship with Phil, but he was very vague and ambiguous. It was just easier for it to be like this -- she might have already known that there was something more but he wasn’t ready. Though he did start offering up information about Phil more freely around the dinner table when they’d ask. Adrian was getting in trouble with school more often and Dan wasn’t the center of attention anymore which was both relieving but made him feel kind of funny. It was nice, but he knew that it wasn’t their fault. He just didn’t let them in. 

“I will, don’t worry,” Dan laughed slightly, grabbing his belt, and sighing heavily again. “God. Okay, it’s fine.” 

“It is fine, Dan. People only have power over you if you let them.” He chimed, he said it in the same voice he used whenever Dan had brought up hate comments. Phil hadn’t let it bother him since he had gotten so many hate comments before, and while Dan did his best to objectify the hate comments and laugh at him there was still some sort of hurt he felt reading them. Especially when they called Dan and Phil a fag. It was a hard pill to swallow, and it never seemed to get to Phil as much as it did to Dan and they’d only really fought once about it and ended up not talking for most of the day before Dan had messaged Phil he was sorry, he just didn’t understand why it didn’t make Phil as angry. 

He didn’t like to think about it that much but it was impossible when sometimes it was the only comments on his videos. He inhaled sharply and nodded his head to himself. 

“You’re right, Phil.” _You’re always right._ Sometimes Dan just wanted to be mad about something. 

“Okay, I need to go, Phil. I’ll talk to you later.” He hung up, putting his phone back in his pocket and running down the steps. The keys to his car were in the bowl by the front door, he had forgotten the biscuits, he had to run back and get them, his mind was a mess. 

The way to Jamie’s house wasn’t that long of a trip but it was enough time for him to think about school and the friends that had left for Uni. Jamie was a good guy, though. He had fond memories of Jamie, he had been one of the only kids that was out at his all boy’s and his life was made a living hell but he never really seemed to let that get to him. His plan, he told Dan, was to move to London and work on the West End because he loved Theatre and Dan had to agree -- the guy really belonged there. He was easily one of the most good looking guys at their school with his spike red hair, blue eyes, and just the level of enthusiasm. He wished he had gotten closer to him but Dan supposed they were close enough to invite him to his party. 

When he pulled up he had looked at the cars to see if there were any that he recognized. He stayed in his car for a minute before psyching himself up, grabbing his biscuits and marching towards the front door. 

Before he could knock Jamie had already opened the door. “Maaaaate,” Jamie had looked pretty flushed, pulling Dan in for a hug and then looking down at the biscuits with wide eyes and a smile. “Fuck, you made these?” He had then opened the cap and laughed, picking one up and shoving it in his mouth. “Bullshit! This is so good!” 

Dan wasn’t given anytime to speak but he had to laugh. 

“Yeah, Tesco has some good biscuits,” He squeezed Jamie’s arm and walked through the door, there was a big tree in the front, and he could smell the mince pies and ham, it was very warm in here. 

Christmas songs were playing in the background and Dan had looked around the room and saw a few people he knew but not well, and then Erin and her best friend. _Shit_ , He thought, it took everything in him to not grab his phone and text Phil. It seemed wrong. He smiled at her and waved, turning towards Jamie who was still chewing on the biscuit. 

“Erin?” he mouthed to him and Jamie nodded his head, “Sorry, she’s friends with Alec and you know Alec was in that play--” He whispered but then grabbed Dan by the arm, “SO let’s get you a drink!” There was a reason why he was a good actor and won an award for it at school, he played it off cool, listing all the holiday concoctions he made that were now sitting in bowls and then there was two bottles of wine, one he recognized from Erin because it was her favourite and tradition in her family to drink over the holidays, he decided for the cranberry vodka infusion drink. 

Dan took a hearty swig of it before walking back into the living room. He bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood, making his way to sit next to Erin which in hindsight may not be the best idea but they hadn’t ended terribly -- according to their last conversation they were still “friends”. But that’s now how it always worked. 

Dan’s phone vibrated in his back pocket, and he was very keenly aware that he hadn’t said anything to Erin yet but he was taking it all in. Nothing had changed between the group of Theatre friends and their plus ones, and yet Dan didn’t feel like the same person he was when they last saw each other. She looked nice though, a little bit older, her hair a little bit longer, but she still had the same kind eyes and smile. 

“Hello,” Dan eventually mustered. 

“Hi,” She said back, a small smile on her lips, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She held her glass of wine in her hands like it was her security blanket. And he knew that. 

It was always a painful thing to know that you knew these small intimate details about people and when it ends you don’t really know what to do with it other than try and put it into a box and hope that nothing ever touches that box of memories and makes the dust move and scatter. It just leaves a mess. 

From the radio Dan can hear All I Want For Christmas Is You, half the people in the room pipe up and scream when the song starts its familiar jingle, Dan and Erin roll their eyes and they catch the other doing it and they look down and smile. It almost feels normal. 

“How are you?” He really did want to know how she was -- he wanted to know how she liked Uni, and what did he have to look forward to when he went to Manchester, and if she liked what she was learning, and what the names of all her friends were, and if she was seeing anyone. Truthfully, he didn’t deserve to know any of it -- it wasn’t his business to know anymore, but he hoped that she was well. 

“I’m really good, actually. I’m still a bit fried from my exams but I’m really good. How are you?” She took a swig of her wine and his eyes followed the glass for a second. 

“I’m great, yeah,” Dan laughed awkwardly, trying so hard to not stumble on his words like he did sometimes, “I just uh, yeah. ‘M fine.” There was a rough point -- where he was figuring out UCAS and Psychology and needing a tutor, but he was doing pretty good now, it wasn’t all over yet but it was getting there. 

She smiles at his reply, and looks away for a second, at her best friend who’s been trying very hard to not look directly at them. 

“And… How’s- how’s he--?” He traced her facial expression, she seemed to genuinely want to know, there wasn’t any malice or anger -- just genuine interest, but it wasn’t the place to talk about and he had a feeling that she might have known -- or maybe she didn’t. He didn’t know what she knew or what she saw -- if she saw anything but it overwhelmed him a little, so he took another drink of the cranberry concoction. 

“He’s great. Yeah we’re really good.” He had the urge to reach over and squeeze her hand but instead they both equally took a drink from their glass and tried to act like they didn’t spend three years with each other. 

He knew that eventually it had to happen, there had to be some sort of way for them to communicate with it being painful, and this didn’t prove much, but they weren’t yelling and screaming at each other, so maybe it was a good start to something. 

The rest of the night Dan had stuck by Jamie’s side, who often flung his arm around Dan and suggested they do some karaoke and Dan wasn’t drunk enough for that -- in fact, he was only on his second drink and he planned for it to stay that way given how well parties went for him in his hometown. Erin and Dan had made eye contact a few times throughout the night and they always smiled but they weren’t obligated to talk to each other anymore. They weren’t each other’s ride back home anymore. 

Dan felt another buzz in his back pocket and he had grabbed his phone and read over the text messages from Phil.

_It’s going to be fine! :]_   
_I hope youre having fun! Remember me when you run off into the sunset with the many theatre men at this party :(_

Dan would tell him everything over Skype soon, for now he quickly replied back.

_i would never. ily. <3_

He stuck his phone in his back pocket again and found a seat at the table to eat with the rest of the group. 

As far as Christmas parties goes he really couldn’t complain about this one. There wasn’t any bullies here, people had accepted each other as they were. Jamie was starting to date a boy that he met at Uni. London was treating him kindly and he couldn’t wait for everyone to meet his boyfriend, and Dan would never tell him but it was encouraging to know that at least within this circle of friends it was nice to see the acceptance. He knew that not every place would be like this -- but at least within this group of people it was okay. He’d never blab about his life, and whatever he was doing with Phil, but there was hope that people were changing their mind about things a small town mentality could enforce. 

When the night was coming to a close it was midnight, some were staying over due to the drinking, but Dan had been good tonight. He kept to the two drinks and the couple glasses of water. From across the room he saw Erin grabbing her coat from the coat hanger and he told Jamie he’d be right back, deciding to walk her out to her best friend’s car. 

He had caught up with her, the streetlights were a bluish tint tonight, and it was cold enough to see your breath, the little clouds evaporating into the air as quickly as they came. 

“Hi, Dan,” Erin had rose an eyebrow at him while her friend had gotten in the car to wait. 

“Hi,” he was out of breath, trying to think of what he wanted to say, he had this whole speech planned but now that he was there in front of her it was like his mind had blanked. 

“I’m sorry.” It came out quick and unsteady, “I really am… fucking awful with words and incredibly awkward when it comes to… this, but, I just- I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” 

Erin didn’t say anything, but she did look down, and tucking her hair behind her ear again like she always did when she was nervous about something, and he waited for her to yank her hair a little, and she did -- like he predicted. She took a big breath before looking back at him again, she was smiling now and she pulled him in for a hug. 

“Thank you.” She said, her voice sounded a little strained, but then again, so was his. “You don’t know how badly I needed this kind of closure.” her eyes were watering a little and Dan wanted to reach out, but he couldn’t, that might have been weird. 

“You really are good, right?” She wiped her own eyes now, and he had to smile at that. 

“I’m really good.” It wasn’t a lie this time -- his life was going pretty good so far, he didn’t have much to complain about these days. Someone loved him. 

“Good. I’ll see you around, maybe.” She opened the car door, and they had looked at each other for one last time before she closed the door. He waved goodbye and turned back to the house. 

His phone had buzzed again and he smiled down at the message.

_I may be asleep by the time you get back home but txt me that youre home anyway :)_

He’d reply back when he got home like he asked. 

*

The clean up was mainly just dumping out people’s glasses and cleaning off plates, Jamie said he’d do the bigger stuff in the morning. They worked together peacefully next to each other, Jamie was telling Dan of how he met his boyfriend in detail. Apparently their dorms were right across from each other, and it sounded like it was straight out of a cheesy romcom, not that Jamie had anything against it, but it was too good to be true. They had kept leaving their dorms at the same time and running into each other until Jamie had made the first move and asked him out to coffee. 

That was their thing now, coffee. Dan thought of his and Phil’s thing -- which was surprisingly, coffee, too. At least one of their things. They had a lot of things. 

“Are you and that guy--?” Everyone apparently seemed to be too scared to actually call him by his name. It was comical. 

Dan was a little on edge about it. Was it that obvious? 

“He’s my best friend.” That was all Dan could offer right now. If Dan was being honest he didn’t know himself what he and Phil were -- but that was okay for now. It saved him from having more awkward conversations if he said yes. 

Jamie seemed to understand, he threw his hands up in defense. “It doesn’t matter to me, you just seem really happy.” He shrugged his shoulders now and went into depth about how it really didn’t matter, and he was sorry he asked, it wasn’t his place. He didn’t want to be that guy, and Dan knew that it wasn’t his fault -- it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was a valid question to ask, even if he didn’t owe anyone anything, other than maybe Erin. He didn’t know -- it shouldn’t be complicated, and he knew that he could trust Jamie, he just didn’t want it to spread to people that made his life hell in school, not that they could really _do_ anything. They weren’t kids anymore. They couldn’t shove a football up Dan’s shirt and ‘ _smear the queer_ ’ and tackle him into the mud because he was a little different or small. 

There were things that Dan did but it was to protect himself. 

“I don’t know, it’s complicated. We’re I mean -- yeah. It’s not that complicated actually, it’s just. He’s my boyfriend- I asked him to be at least, and… yeah.” Dan tried not to word vomit often, but when he did, maybe he said too much, but it had felt good. 

Jamie smiled at him and nodded his head. “I get it. It’s a little nerve wracking. Especially if he’s your first boyfriend. It’s… a strange word to say when you’re not used to saying it. It’s okay.”

“Thanks.” His secrets were safe with him. 

“Go home Dan. I’ll do the rest of this tomorrow. Take your shitty biscuits container, ya filthy liar.” Jamie smirked at him now, grabbing it off the table and handing it to Dan. 

“I’m just trying to save everyone from my shite baking skills, alright?” He had hugged Jamie this time, and then he was gone out the door, back home. 

He had fours days left until he got to see Phil again. That was something to look forward to. 

**xiii.**

“There are so many stories here that will never be told,” Phil is holding a camera, it’s almost like he’s trying to make a documentary of their findings in this abandoned hospital. The snow falls softly, quietly outside. The sky is gray and it’ll be getting dark fairly quick. Phil says that the hospital will probably be demolished soon because of how many people have broken into this place. It’s a very odd feeling for Dan to be in an area that’s claimed to be haunted, even if he doesn’t believe in all of that, he’s still standing in a graveyard of people lost. 

“Say hi, Dan!” Phil points the camera towards him, Dan can’t help but automatically reach to touch his hair even though he’s wearing a hat to try and fix it. 

“H-hi camera!” He looks at Phil quizzically but Phil is smiling, walking ahead of Dan and talking about the history of the building. It was apparently a lot of things before it was a hospital though Phil is so far ahead he can’t even hear him anymore. Dan feels odd standing in the room, but there’s a lot of books on a table even though it’s falling apart, the books are old and water has damaged it. Some rooms have only chairs, cobwebs litter across it, and traces of vermin are everywhere you turn with walls falling apart. What surprised Dan the most was the occasional patches of green -- it was amazing that amidst it being abandoned and being quite literally worn down, life still found a way to continue regardless. 

“Dan?” He can hear Phil call him from down the hall, Dan grabs his phone and snaps a few pictures before power walking towards Phil, the hallway is long and dark and Dan is still afraid of it regardless of being eighteen. If he had a flashlight he’d feel better but he doesn’t, so when he gets close to Phil he reaches out for his hand and follows him very closely. 

“Right, the dark,” Phil squeezes his hand, and leans over to press a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “I’m almost done here, I just wanted to record some stuff.” 

Phil had always wanted to make a documentary about something -- he had never known of what, but it interested him, he recorded everything that he thought would be good in whatever this future documentary, and Dan couldn’t wait for it to become a reality. He would always be Phil’s biggest fan so he didn’t mind being here. 

“Do you think anyone’s fucked here?” Dan questions, looking at one of the fallen apart gurneys sitting in a room. 

“I mean, I’d say we could be the first but it’s too cold.” He laughs at Dan’s question, putting the camera back in his bag and leading them towards where they had come in so they could go out. Phil couldn’t wait to go home and drink some hot chocolate and get under the covers. He was so cold he couldn’t feel his nose or really any part of his face. 

When they’re outside Phil looks up at the brick building, grabbing Dan’s hand again they wave to it as if to say their peace. There’s so much snow on the ground it’s a winter wonderland without the pretty lights but it’s kind of beautiful in it’s own way with the street light shining down, you can see the snowflakes fall, they all look the same and yet they’re unique in their own way, at least that’s what Dan’s grandmum had used to tell him. 

Dan looked up at the sky, and then at the moon, he smiled, taking a deep breath and then letting himself fall backwards in the snow. He knew that he might regret it, he was so numb as it was anyway. Phil had looked at Dan with wonder in his eyes but didn’t say anything as he sat down first, and then laid next to Dan, grabbing his hand again. Dan felt this contentment, just him and Phil, the only ones here at the abandoned hospital with the stars. It was by no means a normal date, but it was still a date between the two; as was the three hour breakfasts, Buffy on the couch, and Mario in the basement. They were easy and in love right now, and it felt good. It felt safe. He had thought about the word again, safe. 

“When I was a kid I used to be obsessed with the moon, like, if you ask my grandmum she’ll tell you that I thought the moon was my best friend. While it wasn’t always consistent, it was like, consistent enough to find it in the sky, and whenever there was a long car drive I would look up and the moon would be following us, and I kept thinking of how I’d like to be up there someday. When bullies would hurt me, or call me a ‘ _faggot_ ’ or ‘ _gaylord_ ’ or ‘ _retarded_ ’ I’d just feel… so small? Like- like I wasn’t anything. Or important. And I think that sticks with you. My grandmum knew, so she’d tell me if I ever felt small I was at least big enough to cover the moon, like this,” Dan had reached his thumb up, squinting and placing it over the moon. He looked at Phil do the same and smiled. “It helped me not feel so small anymore.” 

Phil doesn’t say anything, but Dan knows he’s listening. That’s what Phil does a lot. He listens. He listens when he doesn’t have to. There’s so much anxiety that Dan feels all the time, and it’s gotten a little worse because of Youtube and the comments, and how he thinks he should feel when it comes to it, or how he should act because of how people perceive him, and Phil listens, and doesn’t try to put too much input because that’s not what Dan needs in the moment, he just needs someone to hear him out, and calm him down, and then talk. Phil listens for hours on end sometimes, and says that he wishes he lived closer so he could just come over and hug him. Now that Dan is here with Phil, he reaches over to touch his face, the snowflakes falling on his cheeks and he moves them out of the way. 

“You’re not small to me.” Phil says with such a low and quiet voice, as if they were to speak louder it would break the moment. 

Phil bends down to kiss Dan, and he accepts it, because his lips are so warm and soft against his, and his heart is fluttering like a bird in a cage, dying to come out. He tries not to get carried away but he can’t help it, when Phil pulls away Dan brings him back in for more. 

Dan is flushed, and so, so in love, their foreheads rest against each other, Dan’s fingers gently caressing the side of Phil’s face. “I love you.” It’s fun to say it, it’s easy to say it, he used to always pause and think before he said it, because it was such a funny word to him, even if he had said those words before, it was the context that matters and who he said it to, but he didn’t have to think about, and he didn’t stumble, and he meant it. He meant it with everything in him. 

Phil had reached over Dan to write something in the snow. 

_I love Dan._

Dan had felt a lump in his throat. Soon the snowflakes falling would make the words disappear but Dan would always remember how it felt seeing words written from a boy he loved telling him that he loved him too. 

**xiv.**

 

Christmas time was always a big ordeal for his family, extended family all crowding around in Dan’s tiny house, drunken fights about religion on one side, and how it’s just a bloody holiday for family, _who cares if it’s about jesus?_ Dan had planned on getting a little inebriated because of the amount of people in his house, none of which were really his age and if they were they had brought significant others, he didn’t really have anyone to hang out with. He tried to join in on the conversations but honestly -- Dan was eighteen and he hadn’t been paying much attention to politics or the news lately to give an objective opinion on the matter. 

He had grabbed a glass of wine that had been filled but no one had yet to claim it and he suckered it down quick before grabbing the bottle and pouring another drink. One glass of red wine was strong enough to make him feel a little light but it was Christmas, he forgave himself a bit. 

“Daniel, where’s your girl?” Dan thought he could run away from it, but a lot of his family only got together for funerals, weddings, and Christmas. 

Dan’s mum had looked to see who was talking and of course it was aunt Flora, she didn’t have a filter, in a way she reminded him a lot like his mum which made sense. 

“Oh, we broke up.” Dan had taken the silence to sip his wine, staring at his mum who looked at him with sympathy, but it was family. People would find out eventually. 

“Jesus, how long ago was that?” She seemed to slur on her words just a bit, Dan had to smile, wrapping an arm around her and giving her shoulders a gentle squeeze and thinking, _Oh you’re not going to remember this._

 

“About four months ago, why don’t we get you a glass of water, yeah?” Dan was good at this -- he had done this for many Christmas’, in fact when he was a kid his mother had told Dan he was water patrol. It wasn’t that his family was full of drunks or anything -- holidays in the Howell Household were often ones that many didn’t remember, but they were fun for the most part. 

Christmas was special to him, he enjoyed this time, his heart just belonged somewhere else. 

His grandmum had rested a hand on Dan’s shoulder and winked at him. “Good boy. I do want to talk to you though.” 

Dan felt a bit anxious, leading his aunt to an empty seat on the couch and then back to the kitchen to get a glass of water to give to his aunt. His uncle had already passed out on the other couch and Dan had grabbed the blanket to put over him after handing the drink to Flora who had looked at it for a bit longer than necessary. 

Dan had found his glass of wine and took a hearty gulp and went to find his grandmum who was standing by the glass doors watching the light snowfall. He wrapped an arm around her and leaned into her a bit. 

“Oh, hello, dear,” she patted his cheek and he was reminded of how much he missed her when she was gone on her long holidays. She had just come back from France, she had her own timeshare there and had invited Dan not too long ago for a visit but he never did make it.

“I watch your videos, you know,” She looks at him with a bit of a smirk and Dan goes red. 

“You shouldn’t!” Dan is a little bit tipsy, and if he were sober he’d mind a lot more than he does right now. In fact, he wished he could catch her up on his life, and how he’s feeling, he wants to tell her about Phil, but it’s not the place or the time and he doesn’t even know how she’d respond to that. 

It’s not that his family wouldn’t understand -- they were quite supportive people, but this was still something new, and _his_ , for now at least, and there was that burning image of his mother’s face when he told her that game those boys were playing with Dan when he was a kid. 

“You’re quite funny.” She shrugs her shoulders, and then does a little Christmas Carol hum. It had been a long day of presents, and arguing, and eating, and now that it was later in the evening things were winding down and Dan and Phil were going to Skype later tonight but he hadn’t touched his phone in a couple of hours and he missed him terribly. 

“People can be very mean in the comments,” she muses after a few minutes of silence. The comment makes him feel a little heartbroken, a little bit achey in his chest knowing that she’s scrolled through the comment section. Dan tries very hard not to do that himself but he can’t help it either. 

The last few comments on his videos have been pretty horrific, there were death threats, the amount of times people had called him a faggot were strong, and then they commented on his hair, and his voice, he knew that someday he’d get used to it, but they did put him in a weird headspace for a few days. 

“They don’t mean anything. Just people being twats on the internet,” Dan hadn’t thought about his usage of ‘twat’, he was expecting his grandmum to slap him, instead with Dan’s surprise, she chuckled. 

“S’alright, Daniel,” She patted his cheek again, taking a deep breath, “I need to go home, I’m quite tired, but do come over more often?” Her eyes did look very tired but then again she did make a lot of the dinner tonight with little to no help. He nodded his head and gave her a hug. 

“Where would your brother be?” She had peeked into the living room and he laughed a bit.

“Probably in his room? I swear, everyone claims that I’m antisocial but he’s always in his room too,” Dan shrugged, giving his grandmum one last hug. 

As the people were leaving he had grabbed his presents and went up to his room placing them on his bed and then looked at his phone, there were numerous text messages from Phil. 

_I know i told you this morning but MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!_   
_IT’S CHRISTMAS! :D_

_I love you loads and I cant wait to see you again!!!!_

_Omg my brother got me Buffy comics!!_  
 _lmao i got a bunch of socks too :p_  
 _Do your parents also buy you pants? So embarrassing_  
 _They’re leopard print wow bet you cant wait to slide them off me ;)_

_I’m a little tipsy sorry_

“What a wild ride,” Dan had muttered under his breath, laughing at Phil. 

_i’m sorry it took me so long to reply :(_   
_are you still up for skype???_

From downstairs he can hear his uncles and dad laughing at something that’s probably not that funny, he can hear his grandmum saying goodbye to Adrian and his mum, there are children screeching about wanting another biscuit before they leave. Dan checks his phone even though it didn’t buzz, and then he looks at his presents, picking them up and putting them in the corner somewhere. He has a word document of videos he’d like to do and he thinks about the new year, and what he’d like to change about his content now that he has a tiny following. It was still fun to do videos, but what was holding him back were people’s opinions and he writes that down on the word document: 

_Stop caring what people think._

The noise in the house starts to quiet down after a while. In the morning his father will take the Christmas decorations down, his family is very quick like that, and they’ll go to Reading in the morning to go shopping, and life hasn’t really changed all that much, just Dan. 

Phil hasn’t replied which makes Dan think that he probably fell asleep, and that’s okay. He’s seeing him soon anyway. 

_Goodnight love you x_

He turns the light off and jumps on his bed, still afraid of the monsters that roam around at night, still afraid that something will drag him from underneath him. He’s too old to still believe in monsters, but sometimes he’s afraid that he’s been his monster all along. It’s a startling thought, but he falls asleep thinking about it. 

*

He tried not to think about the upcoming year at this youtube party but it was a little impossible when people were discussing content, Dan had a lot of things coming in 2010, the sound of that made it seem so strange -- but he shook it off, grabbing the bottle of malibu from the counter and walking back towards Phil. He wasn’t nearly as drunk as Dan but he was flushed. Someone had turned the volume up and people started to get up and dance, the lights turned off and on before a person complained about it hurting their eyes. Everything seemed to go by in slow motion. They were close to midnight. 

Phil had wrapped an arm around Dan and he leaned into him. He didn’t care right now, they both didn’t. This was fine, the atmosphere was great, they had friends who liked them enough to invite them, and next year was so close to touch. He thought of how strange it felt to be sitting next to someone who was a stranger to him not too long ago, just someone that was untouchable- unattainable, to being his first best friend, and then his first boyfriend. 

The future didn’t seem so scary now that he had someone like this. 

It was really stuffy in this space, too many people in one place he had gotten up and had pat Phil’s knee and grabbed the malibu to take outside. From where he stood you could hear people yelling in the alleyway, some singing, others screaming how drunk they were and how their friends needed to keep up. London was filled with so many people up and down the street it almost reminded him of that sense of unity there was on Halloween night, so many people gathered for this one event, dropping whatever it was they did in the daytime to spend time with other people at night for this one thing. This time it wasn’t for something silly that no one knew the real meaning about but still dressed up anyway. It was a new chapter to everyone’s story, the turning of a new leaf, with new goals and ambitions, it intimidated Dan because the future was a scary thing. 

Dan had thought about how different the beginning of this year was, and how much he had changed as a person, while he still had no idea where he was going with his life the main factors were somewhat sorted, he could live with it for now, he had someone to fall back onto, and a school that he was going to attend at some point, things were falling into place even if other parts were blurry. Youtube would always be there despite Dan’s inconsistency of a schedule but it was still okay. He enjoyed it, he met friends- these friends, through it. 

“Dan?” Phil had walked out, he had a beer in his hand and Dan had remembered he had the malibu still which made him laugh as he unscrewed the cap and tilt the bottle back. 

“Phil,” he said, his words slurred just a bit as he got closer to Phil, eyeing him up and down and thinking of how goddamn lucky he was that Phil was in his life. He had thought this so many times throughout the night, but fuck, he was so lucky. 

“Are you coming back in for the countdown?” Phil had looked down at his phone for the time, Dan peeked over and they had about ten minutes. 

“Yeah!” Dan was quite loud, he took another drink and then wrapped his arms around Phil. 

“Okay,” Phil said, chuckling a bit to place his bottle on the small table provided. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and all Dan could think about was that he smelled a little bit like a Christmas tree and vanilla, both welcoming smells, comforting smells. It felt good to have Phil’s arms wrapped around him, he swore he could appreciate Phil’s hugs more now that he was drunk. 

“Don’t let me go, okay?” Dan said into Phil’s neck. 

“I won’t.” Phil promised. 

In the distance what they could hear now was this: cars honking, fireworks from some part of London, more yelling, laughter from somewhere down the street, ambulances, and music from another person’s apartment. 

“I love you.” Dan kisses Phil’s neck, his lips moving upwards, kissing what skin he could find and trailing all the way to Phil’s lips. 

“I love you too.” Phil’s eyes were glossed over with their different shades of blue, green, and yellow, but there was so much sincerity when he said it, it took Dan’s breath away. 

“It feels like I’ve loved you for a lifetime,” Dan wasn’t even sure what he was saying at this point other than the fact that he was filled with so much love for Phil he just wanted him to know no matter how cheesy it sounded. 

“I will love you for a lifetime,” Phil’s smile is wide, and they both laugh realizing just how cheesy it sounds, but it was moments like this that they knew they truly were meant for each other. 

With a few minutes before midnight Phil tugs Dan back into the house with the rest of their youtube friends, someone turns the volume up on the TV, there’s Big Ben on the screen and then it switches to the London Eye where a big crowd of people stand.

“ _Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! HAPPY NEW YEAR!_ ” 

More fireworks go off, it’s so loud that they can hear them from inside this cramped and loud space. Phil turns Dan around, brushing the hair out of his eyes, caressing his flushed cheeks, and he kisses him. 

If you were to give Dan the opportunity to go anywhere in the world right now he’d tell you there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. If you were to give Dan insight of the future that scared him, he’d tell you no thanks because he wanted to stay right here in this moment in time. If you were to give him all the money in the world he’d reject it because nothing was as priceless as this. Dan had learned a lot the past year, through trial and heartbreak, but if you were to ask him what he had valued learning the most it was this: learning to love a boy and having that same boy love you back. 

When Phil pulled away they stood there looking into each other’s eyes while Auld Lang Syne played in the background. 

@ **danisnotonfire:** HHAPPY 2010!! Wooooowww that sounds like a space year xD hope your all having fun!! This yt party is AMAZING I love you all  <3

**xv.**

The trip to Wokingham feels long, Dan sags against Phil’s shoulder, they’re both leaning on each other, hands twined together. There’s not a care in the world, if this was the beginning of 2010 brought then this would be a very good year, Dan had thought in and out of sleep, still reeling in that it was a new year, and things were going to change. This year was going to have a lot more structure than 2009 and it feels good knowing that. He has a healthy relationship, he’ll eventually have school, and of course there was always Youtube. Dan had internships in London coming up, things were slowly coming together. 

When they reach Reading they have to get a bus, they’re very tired and Dan feels mildly hungover but it’s not unbearable. Phil didn’t drink nearly as much as Dan which was good for him, Dan wished he had that kind of self control. Though he did remember a lot last night. He remembered how it felt being kissed at midnight, he remembered that sort of bittersweet feeling of saying goodbye to a complicated roller coaster of a year, New Year’s Eve always had made him emotional in a way, he had tried to explain it to Phil once who understood it because he felt the same, he was just glad there was someone to talk about. 

When they get on the bus, Dan lets Phil have the window seat so he can experience the view to Wokingham also because Dan knew he got carsick. Dan had rested against Phil again and explained what growing up in Wokingham was like, he had heard bits and pieces of it before whenever Dan mentioned going somewhere in town. Reading was close enough and he spent a lot of time here but he had to drive. 

“Where would you want to move when you got older?” Phil asked. 

Dan made a noise, “Definitely not here or Wokingham. I can’t imagine raising kids here. I couldn’t.” While there were so many fond memories here, he just couldn’t imagine settling down here. Places that he used to go to were tainted. 

“Maybe London?” Dan yawned. 

“Maybe London.” Phil agreed, with a quick nod to the head as if he were to save that information for a later time and conversation. 

They danced around their future a lot of the time. They were very vague when talking about the future and them being together, it was still early in the relationship but it was also fun to imagine the ‘what if’s’. Dan had known that Phil was the love of his life but the thought of something so permanent intimidated him and he’d get over it eventually, but he was eighteen and still so fragile when it came to thinking like that and he wasn’t comfortable a lot of the time, but Phil gave him the room to grow. He’d get there. They were taking it slow for now and that was what Dan needed. 

*  
Dan grabs his keys from his bag to unlock his front door, it’s cold when they enter the house, his parents and brother are gone to grandmum’s house for the day. Dan feels self conscious showing Phil his house even though he’s seen parts of it via Skype. Phil smiles taking a quick look around the house. He must have felt the stark contrast of what it felt like stepping into his house in comparison to his. 

Dan can attest that Phil’s house felt physically and visually warm. Dan’s parents were just busy a lot of the time and weren’t always home, it made sense. Each family was different. 

“So it’s just upstairs,” Dan had grabbed Phil’s hand and tugged him upstairs to his bedroom. Dan’s room was untidy which wasn’t surprising to Phil, he laughed seeing pairs of pants in one corner, the rock band in another, and Dan’s sheets a crumpled mess. 

“I say we get into PJ’s and make out a little and fall asleep?” Dan suggests with a raised eyebrow, “Because there’s… really not much else to do here.” The internet is slow, Dan’s car needs to go to the mechanic, and last time Dan checked there was no food in the house to make. 

“That works,” Phil shrugs his shirt off and then his trousers, he moves some stuff off the bed, he doesn’t know how they’re going to make this work since Dan’s bed is so small. 

“Yeah -- we’re gonna have to just lay on top of each other.” Dan blushes a little as he gets ready for bed. 

“That’s okay with me.” Phil winks and it makes Dan snort but he feels warm and a little flustered. Phil grabs his phone real quick, types something, and then places it back on the charger. “Hurry up, I’m cold.”

“Needy.” Dan mocks jokingly, pulling the covers back a little to get in and snuggling in as close as he can. Phil welcomes him with open arms. 

Their kisses are slow and long, they’re truly not in any hurry, just the fact that they’re together is enough for both of them, nothing but time can pull them away and apparently lack of sleep. Dan feels Phil start to get restless against him and he ends up dozing off which is kind of cute to Dan, he can’t blame him, his body hurt from the lack of sleep, lack of water, and lack of bed. He turns to grab his own phone real quick and does a quick scroll through twitter, he sees Phil’s tweet and smiles. Dan gets comfortable, pulling Phil closer to him as much as he can and still feel comfortable. He’ll claim he’s this close for warmth, but really, he just likes to be able to hear Phil’s heartbeat which was a constant steady thing. 

2010 was going to be a good year. He could feel it. 

@ **AmazingPhil:** in danland. It was awesome seeing everyone last night  <3 sleepyphil


	4. Chapter 4

**i.**

January brought a lot of cold days and long hours of work experience in London. He kept telling himself that it was going to be worth it, that this would go by quick and he’ll be in India in February and have time to spend with Phil and work on Youtube videos. It would be great. 

Dan did end up bringing his camera to work for one day, it had a lot of awkward moments considering numerous people had ran into him talking to himself, it made him cower in the bathroom in fear where he had called Phil and told him of how he was having a fucking awful time and Phil would tell him that it’d be okay, it was fine, just take a deep breath and get through it, and they’d Skype later that night and Dan could bitch about it as much as he wanted. 

That’s how most days went, when Dan would get home he’d fall on his bed and take a nap and wait for Phil to be ready to Skype. Their relationship felt more official now that New Year’s Eve had passed, it was like a seal that they’d be okay and Dan didn’t feel as much anxiety about it as he had before. Whenever his mum would ask about Phil he would tell her with a smile, while he was still a bit ambiguous about their relationship she seemed to be able to read between the lines, his whole family really, and they had accepted that Phil was this person in Dan’s life that was important. 

“My mom asked about you when I got home,” Dan yawns, shifting his computer screen and lowering the brightness a little, he felt a tension headache coming on so he got up and turned the light off and placed his computer in a way where he could lay down. 

“Did she? Tell her I said hello.” Phil laughed, Dan could hear Phil typing something in another tab, he started to hum. 

“It’s cold.” Dan whined, bringing the covers up to his shoulders and then grabbing the additional blanket for extra warmth. 

“I’m sorry. I wish I could be there.”

“Me too.” Dan yawned again. They didn’t say anything for a while as he listened to Phil type and hum away at a song that Dan didn’t recognize but still found lovely to hear. His eyes had gotten heavier, and if Phil said anything he didn’t hear it. 

When Dan had woken up, he was very disoriented and looked at the clock on his computer and it was half past one. Phil was still there but he was asleep from what Dan could tell. He could have cried, it was what they could do for now, fall asleep on Skype. 

He had typed in, _I love you_ , to the chat and tucked himself back in to sleep. 

 

Except, there were nights like this when he found it hard, when his boyfriend is miles and miles away, and it was too cold, and Dan could swear that every single thing that made him worry or anxious was closing in on him. He had never been someone to think that he had it bad in life, because in truth -- he didn’t. He wished that some things could change but nothing was ever that bad, but tonight it felt like his head was a crowded mess. The future worried him, even after all these thoughts of resolutions, how he wasn’t going to let things get to him, but they were getting to him, and he couldn’t wake Phil up to talk him out of it -- that wasn’t fair to Phil, putting all this pressure on him that wasn’t his cross to bear. 

He gulped, clutching the stuffed animal to his chest, watching as Phil had breathed in, and then out, a steady rhythm to an anxious heart. 

His dream was him looking over the cliffs again. 

“I don’t want to jump,” He said, though he wasn’t sure who he was even talking to. Sometimes when he had this dream there was just sand, waiting to catch him, other times there was water, both would bring a great amount of pain, he didn’t know which he preferred some nights. When he looked over the ledge there was nothing but a black abyss. 

With one push, one simple touch, Dan was falling. 

When he woke up, he was sweaty and his computer was on the floor. 

“Fuck,” he reached over to grab it and the screen was black. He put it away in the computer bag and then grabbed for his phone. 

_Looks like we both fell asleep on each other xD you were tired i didnt want to wake u but i also didnt want to leave :c_

Dan’s eyes are still bleary, but he types a message back. 

_its okay lol its what we have to work with :)_   
_i had one of my recurring nightmares tho which sucks_

He puts his phone back on the charger and heads downstairs to eat something real quick. 

“Have you started packing for India?” his mother is sitting on her spot on the sofa when Dan comes down, he shakes his head. 

“I haven’t had the time. I’ll start tonight.” He would admit he was nervous about going to India. He knew he’d have fun, but it was a long time, and he wouldn’t be seeing Phil which explained a lot of the anxiety that he had felt. In the words of his mother, _it was a trip that they’d always remember._

His phone had just gone black again, Phil had texted back and he smiled. 

_Im sorry you had a nightmare ):_   
_Skype tonight plz?_

Dan had gotten his computer out and called Phil. 

“I was not prepared for you to be ready so quick.” Phil had yawned, he had a plate of food which he delicately sat on the bed for a second to grab a pillow to place the laptop on so he could see Dan better. 

“Sorry, I just woke up not too long ago, figured I’d just call early.” Dan got comfortable in bed again. His eyes were tired, his head hurt a little, his body ached. It was like an emotional hangover that he was having, too many thoughts that kept him up at night. He didn’t like being alone. 

“Are you okay?” Phil’s voice was low, even through the screen he looked at Dan intently. 

“Yeah I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m just excited to see you before I leave.” 

Phil smiles at him sadly and reaches over to press his fingers to his screen and Dan does the same. “You’ll be here soon.” 

*

Most of the time they play video games and watch movies on the couch, sometimes Phil’s parents join in too. There’s a nice little sense of family each time that Dan comes, they’re so gracious and kind to Dan he doesn’t know what to do with it half the time. They don’t really question that sometimes Dan likes to hold Phil’s hand and sometimes he wraps an arm around Dan and presses his nose to the side of Dan’s head and plays with his hair when they’re in the middle of a movie. There’s bravery in it -- and Dan has stopped tensing up whenever Phil reaches out to embrace him. It still catches him off guard being able to be affectionate in such a space -- it wasn’t a bad space. 

Dan helps try and cook dinner with Phil’s mum but a lot of times she kicks them both out of the kitchen and set the table up instead. And they wait while watching a movie they’ve already seen. There’s conversations about what kind of family Dan has, and how they can’t wait to meet The Howell’s because they seem like such good people since they have such a lovely son. 

“Your hair is growing longer,” Phil brushes his fingers through it, they’re laying on his bed now after dinner, Dan is falling asleep on him while they watch something on Phil’s laptop. 

“Uh-huh.” Dan yawns, breathing Phil in. “I’m taking one of your sweatshirts, by the way.” Dan lets out a breath and puckers his lips for Phil to kiss him. 

“Do you have to go to India?” Phil whines, pressing kisses to Dan’s lips, and cheeks, and forehead. 

“I know.” He groans into Phil side before properly sitting up. 

“I’ll miss you when you’re gone.” Phil rubs Dan’s arms up and down, their knees are touching each other. 

Dan gulps, closing the gap between them again, his hands are underneath his shirt, slowly pulling it up and over his head, his lips attach to Phil’s neck, he sucks on the skin careful not to leave a mark before he pushes him back down on the bed. He’s straddling Phil as he kisses down his chest, undoing his jeans. Phil lifts his arse and Dan slides his pants off, he looks up at Phil for a moment, a small smirk on his face, they have to be quiet, it’s late enough that Phil’s parents are probably sleep but the thrill of them being forced to be quiet is exciting to him. Dan grips Phil’s dick and tugs, slowly at first, up and down, and Phil is gripping on to the sheets, while Dan moves his hands up and down a little faster- sometimes it was like this, where it was quick because it had to be because of parents or brothers in the other room with thin walls and listening ears, and Phil fell apart in the quiet, fingers losing grip of the sheets and Dan would smile, kissing the tip of his dick before he had gone down on him. 

It was a peculiar thing for Dan, while he was by now so used to loving and touching, kissing and having sex with Phil there was a part of him that was still getting to _know_ Phil in that way, other than that week where it was all they did, Dan felt so uncomfortable in himself and his body, but Phil was a patient lover. They were learning about each other together. 

Dan had never really hooked up with a guy before Phil -- he was the first man that had ever touched him, and that was something special to him. While Dan could say that sex didn’t matter or that it didn’t mean anything to him, that it was something that humans just _do_ it had made him nervous being intimate with Phil, afraid that he’d mess it up somehow or disappoint Phil. It was something new but Phil had tried his best to make sure Dan knew that it was fine, and that he was comfortable. 

Now that Dan felt more at ease in his abilities, watching as Phil came in his mouth and he swallowed. Dan had wiped his mouth and laid on the bed, both of them staring at the ceiling. Phil had reached out for his fingers, linking them together and they listened to the sound of the other breathing. 

“Love you.” Phil eventually said. 

Dan smiled, turning to look at Phil with flushed cheeks, “I love you too.”

They got ready for bed, Dan curling up into Phil again. 

“You are like a cat.” Phil mumbled into the night, the moonlight shined down on them perfectly through the window. 

“Meow,” Dan said with a snort, “It’s true though. I need your constant attention on my terms.” 

“You’re needy.” Phil’s hands had gently rubbed Dan’s back up and down, it was soothing and Dan had thought once before, but now again, if you were to ask him to be anywhere else on earth he’d tell you now, because this right here was his favourite place to be. 

“Your mum,” Dan whispered, and in return they both laughed as quietly as they could. 

Phil is always the first to fall asleep, leaving Dan try and fall asleep to the rhythm of Phil’s breathing. So he pulled the covers up more, tried to find that rhythm again where his breathing could match with Phil’s, and he counted the non-existent stars on the ceiling all the way up to 100 and then he drifted off into sleep. 

When he woke up he didn’t have any nightmares, but he did have the taste of bitterness in his mouth knowing that this was the last time that he’d see Phil for a while. They clung on to each other, and his mum had made them breakfast. She wished Dan a happy holiday, and telling him to tell his parents that she said hello. 

Before Dan had gone into the train station he had hugged Phil one last time, holding on to him a little bit longer than normal. “Happy valentines day,” He said in Phil’s ear, even though they weren’t doing anything for the day, he wanted to tell him anyways. One last squeeze and Dan had waved goodbye. He’d see him soon.

Dan was never good at saying goodbye.

**ii.**

**13 February 2010.**

@ **danisnotonfire:** I’m fed up of India.. There is somewhere else i want to be right now :[  <3

There’s a feeling in Dan’s chest the moment he gets back to England, and then to Phil’s house again. The hug that they share in the private of Phil’s bedroom doesn’t feel long enough. It’s a wonderful feeling to love and be loved in return, Dan swears by that saying even more now. While he had known love before there was something that was special about this love -- this love that he felt for Phil. 

Dan had used to feel guilty for so long -- feeling like he was just a nuisance to anyone who crossed him. He was too loud, had too strong opinions, and probably cared too much about what people thought of him. Whenever there were groups of people that they met given their little bit of internet fame, Dan had often felt as though he were the awkward one and said an inappropriate joke or was too crass- whatever it was, Phil had been gentle, and kind, and made Dan feel safe. He had used that word before, to describe what it felt being in Phil’s home and in Phil’s arms but after everything -- what happened in India, what the video had meant to him and to Phil, that was the only word that he could think of. Safe. 

He had told him before, and he’d tell him again, he was here as long as Phil wanted him here. He used to think that people were crazy when they devoted themselves to one person, and one person only after a short time -- but he didn’t understand it, and now he did. Phil was his best friend before he was anything else, they had something special, even beyond liking the same things, and while Dan struggled with certain things that had came up in comments he could look past it because it was all online. It didn’t matter, did it?

Dan was so young but he had loved so hard.

They’re at a park by Phil’s house, on the swings, a little too tall to be on them, a little too old to enjoy them, their fingers are linked and Dan is trying to see if they can try and get as high as they used to be able to when they were kids. Phil is a little bit higher than Dan, something happens and their hands disconnect, they’re going different speeds but they’re laughing. 

“Want to jump off?” Dan suggests, pumping his legs to try and get at the same speed as Phil who he keeps missing, if Dan is going forward, Phil is going backward. 

“Yeah!” Phil doesn’t slow down, and they count to three. 

Phil is the first to jump off, he lands not so gracefully on the chips and then does Dan just a bit further away from him. It took his breath away when he fell, but they look at each other again and think that they’re ready to do it again. 

They brush the chips off each other and get back on the swings again, and when they fall off they’re only a few meters apart.

The sun is beginning to set and it’s getting colder, Dan will sleep good tonight even if it’s not in his bed, it’s at least in Phil’s and that’s the next best thing. 

“Ready?” Phil grabs his coat off the ground and puts it back on, holding out his hand for Dan who looks at it for a second before reaching out to hold it. Rossendale was growing on him, and he knows that it was because of the person who lived in it, but he liked imagining a little life here, with Phil. 

“What should we do tomorrow?” Phil asks, they’re walking down the familiar rode, people are walking their dogs and children are laughing in their backyards, for now, it’s peaceful. There was comfort in the quiet that this time of night brought. 

“I don’t know- sleep in, eat a lot of junk food, play video games?” Dan looks at Phil with curiosity and delight. 

“That sounds like a perfect day to me.” Phil agrees, pulling Dan a little bit closer just because he could. 

**iii.**

**17 SEPTEMBER 2011.**

Dan dreams the same dream he’s been having for years. It comes back every so often, to remind Dan that this part of him existed. Although each time it happened he tried so hard to decipher what it meant, and why it was happening but his attempts had often failed -- he didn’t understand why it happened other than it did. He woke up in fear most of the time, with tangled sheets and a sweaty forehead. It happened again, this time, the scene was changed ever so slightly. Things never happen the same way twice but they do rhyme. 

He’s on the cliffs again, like always, that’s something that he’s familiar with, the only real big difference is that there’s a swing sitting right at the edge, and if Dan were to jump, he’d swing right over into the choppy water. Here’s the catch: Phil is swinging next to him, unaware of the consequences, because it only ends one way. 

“We’re going to have to jump!” Dan yells to Phil in this dream, it’s like he’s trying to make himself wake up from this nightmare, but he’s stuck, his limbs can’t move, and he feels like there’s something on top of him. 

Phil is oblivious, like he doesn’t hear Dan yelling at him that they have to jump off the edge, Dan tries to reach out for him but he can’t see him. Dan’s legs are so tired but they don’t stop. The only way for this to end is by going towards the water. So, he takes a deep breath, and then he pushes himself of the swing and he’s never felt more scared knowing that the water is so dark, and the waves are so big, and whatever is in the water is so unknown, he’s never really learned to embrace the fall. He hears a scream and he looks back and it’s Phil jumping too. He reaches his hand out for him knowing that Phil can’t grab it, but they try anyway. 

Dan never really knows what happens next because he wakes up right when he hits the water. 

He doesn’t bolt up like normal, there’s fatigue in his bones. His breathing is heavy though, he gulps, running a hand through his hair and looks over to Phil who’s playing a game on his phone. 

“Nightmare?” Phil asks, looking up at Dan, reaching out to touch Dan’s shoulder. 

“Yeah.” He sighs, reaching for the floor for his shirt and throwing it on. “I’m fine, I’m just going to make coffee.” he does lean over to press a kiss to Phil’s lips real quick before he goes. 

*

They spend most of the day drinking coffee, making more coffee, playing video games, Dan beats Phil, and he wants a rematch, Dan beats Phil again. For such a crap start of the day its slowly start to turn around while they watch a movie on the couch, Phil is on twitter, and then he switches to Facebook, his mother wants him to call him sometime tonight about getting together for dinner sometime soon. 

“Want to go with my parents to dinner?” Phil asks, letting him see the text message and Dan shrugs. 

“Free food? Sure,” he smirks at Phil, nudging him a little, leaning into him. Phil was a more comfortable pillow anyway. 

“This is all I’m good for in this relationship,” Phil laughs, typing back a reply to his mum. 

“I know right.” Dan flips through the channels, he yawns, maybe he’ll take a nap even though he knows he has business emails to answer. They have to go to the store later too to get groceries, but none of that sounds appealing to Dan right now. He slowly starts to fall asleep against Phil until he hears a gasp. 

“Fuck.” Phil says, and it’s not a word that Phil uses lightly. Dan’s eyes snap open and he looks up at Phil. 

“Dan.” His voice is shaking, his eyes scanning his screen. 

There’s something that’s a bit unnerving about Phil, Dan had noticed it a long time ago but it never failed to surprise him how he acted when he was scared. There were many times that Dan and Phil would be watching some horror or paranormal movie, Dan would jump at all the scares, and he’d try and hide his face with his hands during an intense build up to someone’s inevitable doom, and when Dan would see if Phil was being affected by it too his face was neutral, he’d flinch sometimes but nothing really got to him, and Dan had always found that to be a strong quality about him. Whatever Phil was seeing right now though was something that he was not used to, it had made his eyes dilate and his hands start to shake.

“What?” Dan had a concerned look on his face as he reached out to grab Phil’s shaking hand. 

“You know how I was saying earlier about youtube having subscription box issues?” Phil had tweeted someone about it but didn’t pay much attention to it. 

“Yeah? What about it?” Dan’s anxiety had shot up, he felt a tingle down his back, but he forced himself to stay calm. 

“Well now it’s leaking people’s videos and--” He showed him the 100 something views on the video that Phil had made Dan a year ago. 

“I need to delete it,” Phil had shook his head, grabbing it from Dan’s hands quickly and Dan didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent. 

“Tell me when you deleted it.” Dan’s voice was shaking, he had gotten up and started to pace and rock on his heels. 

A hundred people wasn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things -- but it was _enough_. Dan was trying his best to rationalize it. Though there wasn’t much that was helping him. All he felt was the anxiety, the nauseas feeling, it was similar to that night of the party with Erin, whenever he thought about that night it made him cringe and feel vulnerable in a way where people could hurt him, someone did hurt him, and he never wanted to feel that danger that he had felt the night of the party. His thoughts were going a mile minute as he thought about the comments now, what people would say, how would he react? Should he react? 

“It’s deleted.” Phil pushes his laptop away from him now and gets up too, taking off his sweatshirt and shaking his head. “Hold me.” Phil says with a sigh. 

Dan stops his pacing, he doesn’t even really know what Phil is saying until it finally registers, he gets closer to Phil and holds him. 

_Wow, they’re so cute!_

He imagined what the comments would say, if their life were a reality tv show holding Phil, it made him freeze which Phil definitely noticed. He shook it off, burying himself in Phil’s neck. 

“It’s okay.” Dan said, squeezing Phil a little tighter, _It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay._

Dan had let him go and they both looked at each other, taking a deep breath together. It was time to do damage control if there was things that needed to be controlled. 

“What are you going to say?” Phil asks quietly as he stares over Dan’s shoulder. 

“I’m going to tweet something and then figure that out when I get there.” Dan felt anger. Rage. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t Phil’s fault. It wasn’t the audience's fault. He didn’t know where to put the blame other than on a website that had given him his career. 

“I need to know what you’re going to say so I can follow suit, Dan.” Phil placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder. It was both comforting but also made him want to throw something that they were in this situation to begin with. 

Phil was always the better one at being composed when it came to things like this- not that they had been in situations like this, but Phil was generally the stronger one out of the two if you were to ask Dan. He felt like a goddamn ticking time bomb right now. 

“We just- we just say it was a joke or something. A funny concept or whatever, fuck, I don’t now.” 

Phil had bit his bottom lip and watched as Dan tried to put water on the small embers. 

“How are you? Are you okay?” Phil had set a cup of tea next to him as he sat on his desk. 

“I’m fine. I’m just bloody irritated,” He yanked at his hair a little, Phil had come up from behind him and wrapped his arms around him. 

“It’ll be okay,” he whispered in his ear, they smelled the same now, Dan used to have a particular scent to him but now it just blended in with Phil’s, but there was still something comforting about his skin against Phil’s lips and he wanted to pause the moment, stay there for a while to enjoy this while he could. 

There was too much to think about, Phil could keep the poker face for as long as he needed to, but he did want to talk to Dan. He needed to talk to Dan. 

Except, Dan wasn’t available. Dan had placed a hand on top of Phil’s. 

“Want to order pizza?” Dan asked, though he wasn’t hungry. He’s pretty sure he’d vomit if he tried to eat anything but he needed to eat something, since the video had leaked he hadn’t eaten or drank anything and he was feeling ill, though he knows why. 

“Yeah, I’ll go order it now.” Dan felt Phil press his lips against his neck, it was almost enough to bring Dan back from the hellhole he was putting himself in trying to fix what was broken. 

The problem was this: when something’s been broken it can never be unbroken. 

**iv.**

**31 OCTOBER 2012.**

If you were to search how forest fires are started it’ll tell you a couple of things. They’re either naturally caused or human caused. A natural fire is started generally by lightning with a small chance of spontaneous combustion or dry fuel and sawdust. Ninety percent of the time fires are caused by humans. A fire can last up to weeks or months, but the repercussions of a fire are the worst part. 

When the video leaks again, Dan didn’t know that he was fanning the flames. He thought he was helping. He had thought it once before how things never happen the same way twice, but they do rhyme.

Dan had become engulfed by the fire that he was trying to extinguish, but in the end he was only hurting himself and Phil. 

“You need to eat something,” Phil was watching while Dan started to pace back and forth in his room. 

“I don’t need you to tell me what I need to do right now, thanks,” Dan had liked to pride himself on being a kind person but there were times when his anger ran so hot that it became a weapon of mass destruction. He was trying not to let it get to him, but it was getting to him. 

“Don’t talk to me like that. I don’t deserve that.” Phil’s voice was calm, neutral and Dan flinched. 

He was right. _He was right_ , he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve any of this. He stopped pacing and looked at Phil once before the panic started again. His mother had told him once how she experienced her first “fight, flight, or freeze” incident. It was when she was a teenager, she had gone to the store for her mother, she was in the crisps aisle getting a snack, having gotten everything a few minutes ago, when they were told to close the shop, lock the doors and stay far away from the glass in case. _In case for what?_ He remembers his mum recalling. It wasn’t until moments later that someone had said that the whole block was on lockdown since they were on the lookout for someone who had gotten stabbed down the road. Panic makes you crazy, for people like Dan and his mum- their emotions ran high and they felt everything with so much feeling. After the incident his mother was angry but she was glad that she went through it because it had taught her something. It was okay to freeze. It was okay to not react. He could hear it in the back of his mind, but it wasn’t working. His first reaction was to fly, to run, but neither were really winning. He was at a standstill. 

“I’m sorry.” Dan said, shaking his head and going to the bathroom to splash water on his face. 

“We’ll figure it out.” Phil is on the other side of the bathroom door, he can hear him sink to the floor much like Dan had on his side of the door, except, Dan is so far up in the clouds, he doesn’t know if he can ever come back down. He finds himself pressing his cheek against the cool of the tile. He could just live here forever. He doesn’t ever have to leave the flat, that way he wouldn’t have to face people, he wouldn’t have to interact with anyone, he wouldn’t have to listen or see people’s comments. 

Dan doesn’t say, _I don’t know if we can._

He doesn’t say anything.

**v.**

**NOVEMBER.**

Dan goes out on walks alone a lot of the time. He doesn’t really know where he’s going, there’s no real destination point, he just hops on the bus and hopes it takes him somewhere far away for a few hours. When he gets home Phil is typing away at something quite furiously. They haven’t talked to each other much. When they go to bed their backs are facing the other. 

Sometimes Dan doesn’t even go to bed with Phil at all. He’ll stay up late in his room, typing in keywords of the video. His askbox is littered with questions about it, his twitter mentions are about the same. 

He can’t escape it. 

Wherever he goes it follows him. In the kitchen, when he makes a bowl of cereal, he’ll pour the milk and comments will be flooding the bowl, he’ll lose his appetite. When he’s outside with his earbuds in he can see people looking at him, they know, they’re talking about it, it makes him stop in his tracks, pause his music only to hear the sound of…. Nothing. 

The video is like a Hydra. Once you take one video down, two pop back up. Their lives were forest fires and mythological creatures, they weren’t equipped for battle. Their only weapons were furious typing, “ _the valentines **video was a prank!!**_ ”, silences behind closed doors, “ _it isn’t real and it never will be,_ ” they used to sleep in the same bed but more often than not it was lack of sleep and hiding in the privacy of their own room. It was fragile. They were fragile. 

It’s November now, with the days getting longer and colder. Dan and Phil visit a park before sunrise, they hadn’t slept. Honestly Dan felt like a zombie right now just trying to get from point A to point B. Trucks and buses were the only thing that seemed to be awake, their morning commutes looking like a fairly easy ride this morning as not many else were up. They passed by a few people running to their bus stop but Dan figured they must work in Central London it always takes a bit longer for that commute. He was still getting used to this place despite being here for a couple of months. 

There was a lot to think about now that they were walking together, not saying anything. Their lease would be up soon, they could renew it or-- well, Dan hadn’t actually thought of the latter because he didn’t know how what other option there was because it scared him to think about. The past couple of days had been hell trying to get a copyright claim, Dan answering aggressively to people who asked about the video, he was tired. He was so fucking tired he didn’t have enough energy to be angry right now -- and anger had been his driving source for a lot of things in his life currently.

By the time they make it to the park the birds are singing their morning song, there’s a few joggers that pass by them quickly and they sit at the most secluded bench they could find, Dan pulls his legs up on the bench and rests his chin on his knee. He feels a cold chill. Last time he checked the weather it said it would be rainy, not surprising, but Dan was hoping for blue skies. 

With his bloodshot eyes he turned his head slightly to look at Phil who seemed very deep in thought, but Dan could feel the pain that he was emulating. It was sad that their sense of teamwork skills had gone to use to take down a video. A single video. It had just brought a lot of anger and heartache -- more than they could explain. When you have thousands of people looking into your life from the outside it made him feel like some caged animal that people could gwack at because they felt like you owed them something. He wasn’t sure what exactly that was and he was too goddamn tired to figure it out. 

There were silences, and stares that went on for too long, and there were tears when they were eating their food, and a territory of unknown of where they stood. It didn’t feel good to live like this. Dan had always said that the worst feeling you could ever feel was guilt and he felt it all the time. It had seeped into his bones like a cancer that would slowly kill him over time. He didn’t know how to express what he was feeling and more often than not he had drank his words and then vomited it out in an unpleasant fashion.

He knew that it wasn’t just happening to him, he watched as Phil cracked his neck, and then sighed and bent over his computer to take links down, and when he made phone calls to friends who were wondering what it had meant. But no one directly asked them what was wrong or how they felt, they didn’t know how. It was becoming a virus to their small community and people had made posts, and sent tweets, and commented on old youtube videos saying, ‘ _They knew. They knew all along_ ’ and why didn’t they just own up to it? 

That was a question that haunted Dan at night to a point where he couldn’t even be in the same bed as Phil because the feeling had repulsed him, and he’d stay up all night in a panic, the anxiety eating him alive. It wasn’t theirs to have. The video didn’t belong to them. In extension, it belonged to Dan and having something so personal out there was frightening. 

Dan remembers his first week of university, how scared he was of change, and how he wasn’t sure if he could make it, and he had taken a cab to see Phil because Phil was the only person to really understand what he was going through because he was too scared to tell his parents that maybe- maybe this just wasn’t for him. And that maybe they had put their trust in the wrong son. 

There was a feeling of when he had came up to Phil’s apartment and just hugged him and that hug was the thing that calmed him down, and he could do anything as long as he had Phil there to cheer him on. Now all he can think about is the fact that there’s a video circulating around the internet of Phil proclaiming his love to him, and the thought disgusts him because he never had to deal with it yet -- in such a way where he had to put a label on something and make an announcement that he wasn’t ready to make. 

“We could just…. We could come out,” Phil had been grasping on strings here when it came to Dan and this subject. 

Dan had done the thing that you do when you’re trying not to cry. You look up, and you hold it back, clearing your throat even though it feels like there’s something pressing up against it, and if you tell yourself that you’re not going to cry you won’t, but eventually you feel that first drop of moisture run down your cheeks and you let it go. And when he looks over at Phil he’s doing the same thing. They’re both a sniffling mess, and Dan can’t help but think what’s the point in all of it? 

“-- And we’d just have to face the repercussions of it, but that’s- that’d be okay. I could do that- we could do that,” Phil was speaking very quietly but fast this time. 

“I can’t, Phil,” Dan whispered. He was starting to pick at the edge of his nails, tearing the skin, and there was blood that was starting to pool on the edge. “I--- I can’t,”

_Why?_

He can hear the question bounce off Phil even though he didn’t say it.

Dan’s second thought was, _What would they think?_ Because once you label yourself as something, that belongs to the people who consume it, and they feel like you owe them something now, and it becomes theirs and no longer yours. And Dan’s sexuality had been something that he kept so private and personal and hidden that the thought of letting thousands of other people have it terrified him. He didn’t want to be on the cover of a teen magazine that read, ‘ _Gay Youtuber Star Dan Howell Gives You Advice On What Guys Like_ ’ he knows that it wouldn’t go down exactly like that -- but he knows that he’d become something more, and people would stop seeing himself as Dan Howell, a Youtuber who does sketches about ‘My Crazy Psycho French Teacher’ and ‘College Dropout’ but That One Gay Youtuber and his Gay Boyfriend. 

He wasn’t even gay. 

But he knew. He knew the ramifications that would come with it if he did come out. 

And the youtube comments would all talk about how cute Dan and his boyfriend are, and how they’re such ‘goals’ and they’d be ask to participate in shit that Dan doesn’t really know much about but is expected to know about because he’s ‘gay.’

He just wanted to make videos that people could relate to. He didn’t want to be a product for people to go to because they thought his relationship was cute. 

“I’m sorry.” Dan said again, shrugging his shoulders in defeat. “I can’t do what you want me to do. I know it’d be easier if I could, but I can’t do that,” He felt defeated. He stuck by what he thought was right and he knew that if it meant hurting people in the process he could do it. He could live with it, even if he didn’t know the cost of it. 

“I know you can’t,” Phil had already known what he couldn’t do. It was one of the reasons why he loved Dan so much was because he knew that when Dan stuck to something there was no way he could forge him out of it. It was why they worked so well together. Dan stood his ground and didn’t stop for anyone and Phil watched in envy. He couldn’t help that he was selfish and that he wanted this for them.

There were differences between Dan and Phil -- because Phil had already gone through that period of questioning in his life. He knew that he hurt people along the way to get there but he had gone through it and he knew who he was now and what he wanted and that was to have a long and happy life with Dan, and make some videos together, and work on projects and become something bigger and better, and maybe along the road if they wanted to build a family they could do that too. And he knew that it wasn’t unrealistic, people already had it, and he wanted it so bad but Dan was someone who didn’t know. He had so many thoughts that kept him up at night. He knew it in the way where he left the bed and would stay up and play videogames because it was easier than talking it out and dealing with it. 

Dan didn’t know what he was going to do or where he was going to go. The thought of going back to Wokingham terrified him, there were so many ghosts there that he had left behind that he needed to deal with and he didn’t know how to deal with them. He felt so weak and fragile, like he couldn’t do anything. 

Dan’s hands were shaking from it being so cold but also at the realization that after this they wouldn’t be Dan and Phil anymore. In any sense of the word and what it meant to them and other people. 

“If only we were strangers again.” Phil muttered under his breath. 

Dan thought about what it’d been like if he wasn’t so scared. Scared of a society that didn’t accept them. Scared of family members that wouldn’t talk to him. Scared of followers that thought they could have an opinion of him. Scared of the truth that he should have told Erin a long time ago. Scared of the guilt that ate him alive when he ended it with her so abruptly because he had fallen for someone else; a boy. Scared of a future that he hasn’t reached yet. Scared because he was only twenty-one, and didn’t know where he was going with his life yet. He was just scared all the time about things that shouldn’t matter but he couldn’t help it. He wanted what Phil wanted. So why couldn’t he do it? 

Phil reaches out to grab Dan’s hand because he’s shaking and it’s not from the cold. 

“So what do we do?” 

“I don’t know.” 

**vi.**

**DECEMBER.**

Dan was learning that heartache came in many different forms. The best way that Dan could describe was when you go to the doctor and they ask you to rate your level of pain from one to ten. One being the least amount of pain to ten -- where it feels like you’re dying, and you just need some kind of relief to make it stop if only for a few minutes. The scale fluctuated sometimes for Dan, there were days when he couldn’t get out of bed because of how it hurt. He started to write down his level of pain in a journal that his grandmum gave him a long time ago that he never gotten to use. He found it cleaning out his room, packing things in boxes, or at least in a bundle to be put into boxes. 

It never is like the movies, when one person storms out after a breakup. There wasn’t any yelling, there was some crying; a lot of silent tears as they figured out the next steps. They sat down at the table a lot, planned what to do with the apartment. December was such a hard month with the holidays and people wanting to do things. They were in a weird limbo, trying to make it work, some days it was okay, but other days it was a hot anger that Dan felt in the pit of his stomach, people still were talking about it, but it was like they were trying to do it behind Dan’s back but he still saw it. He needed a break. He needed to get out of here. He had numerous plans of running away to the countryside and living life on a farm, maybe he’d find some peace from that. It was ideal, but it was also incredibly lonely. 

There are times when they’re in the kitchen where it almost feels normal. The pain level is a one. Almost non existent but just enough to know that you were in pain before, Dan can almost see the horizon past the smokey skies, there’s a green valley that hasn’t been touched, it’s welcoming him home. The conversations are minimal but it’s enough of a reminder that this thing was once something beautiful. 

Dan was so painfully in love with Phil, and he knew that he had hurt him, but with the video leaking it was like everything that Dan had worked for had blown up in his face, he didn’t know who he was -- he just knew that he loved Phil and they were fine with their arrangement, it didn’t need to be something that was for everyone, it was special. He knew how it ended for some Youtubers when they publicized their relationship it didn’t end well. 

All the thoughts of a future life together were put on hold. 

_“I think we just need a break,” He can hear what Phil said ringing in his ear, they had talked about their future._

_“For how long?” Dan had asked._

_“I don’t know -- I just, I want to be with my family.” Phil had always found comfort in his family and Dan knew that. It was fair._

_“Can we keep in touch?” Dan had asked very nervously, unsure if that’s what Phil wanted or not._

_“Of course.”_

*

Christmas feels different this year. He still sees Jamie at his annual party but Erin stopped coming, the last he heard she had a boyfriend and he was happy for her. It was strange, how things changed last time Dan saw Jamie, he was still the same as ever, still dramatic but the party ended shorter but Dan still stayed to help clean up, it was becoming tradition now, and he kind of liked that he had this pal that he could talk to about shit that was bothering him and it would stay just between them. Except this year he didn’t really know what to say, Dan had changed drastically he felt like.

Dan hadn’t talked to Phil at all since he got home. That was really all that he was thinking about since he arrived. 

“You seem distracted.” Jamie had passed Dan a plate and Dan grabbed it and started to scrub the residue left. 

“Yeah- I’m fine.” He didn’t meant for it to sound so harsh but he fears that’s how it was probably interpreted. 

“Okay. Well until you’re ready to talk, I’m here to tell you how I got an audition for a play on the West End.” Jamie says it so casually, Dan doesn’t even realize it until moments after.

“Oh, holy shit, fuck, that’s amazing, Jame!” He bumps his shoulder, his hands too soapy to hug him. 

“Hey, finally, some emotion out of you.” Jamie laughs and Dan shrugs- he deserves that. He’s been quite the bummer this evening, he swears he’s not trying to be. 

“I’ll see your show.” Dan offers, “I am allowed to see the show, yeah?” 

“Of course.” Jamie tries to blow some of the sink bubbles in Dan’s face but it doesn’t exactly work. 

Jamie doesn’t ask about Phil anymore. He stopped asking for a few years now, normally Dan would prompt it, but not this year. He rates his pain tonight at a seven, his anxiety is telling him that things are so much worse because he’s not in the same vicinity as Phil, but he needs to calm the fuck down. 

Dan is quiet again, he keeps forgetting. 

“You know.” Dan assumes, looking at Jamie from the corner of his eye. 

Jamie doesn’t say anything as he hands Dan another plate. “I follow you on Tumblr. I don’t know everything- I didn’t want to ask, it’s not my business.” Jamie shrugs now with a small smile but then adds, “Although I am here to talk if you need it.” 

Dan wished that he had gotten closer to Jamie when they were in theatre, life would have been a lot easier, he could have used someone like Jamie in school. He knew that he could trust Jamie, but there was a part of him that wasn’t ready -- it hurt too much to talk about, and he was paranoid that if he talked about it more things would happen. 

“Thanks.” Dan sighs, he’s not going to talk about it. He’s afraid if he’ll talk about it he’ll get angry and yell, and he can’t break. He can’t fall apart. Not here. Not in front of people. 

“I’m in London, you know where to find me if you need it.” Jamie wipes his hands on a towel and hands it to him. “I’ll text you about the play when it gets closer to premiering, yeah?” He walks him out the door now and gives Dan a hug. It throws him off guard, Dan awkwardly hugs him back, it had been a long time since he felt any sort of physical affection from anyone and honestly he could cry. Jamie let’s go and hands him back his tubberware that Dan brought with cookies from Tesco. It’s now a running tradition, Dan couldn’t be more thankful that at least there were still some things that stayed the same. 

*

It’s Christmas Eve, just a few minutes before the clock strikes twelve, and he’s sitting outside in the freezing cold with his phone in his pocket daring to send a text to Phil, wishing him Merry Christmas. He waits, and he waits, and he waits, it’s 12:01 now and still his fingers hover over send. 

He doesn’t end up sending it. 

And Christmas Day is like it is every year, there’s drunk family members, laughter and mince pies. Dan finds himself trying to smile at the family members who know nothing about him or his life. His mother looks at him with concern a few times and he holds up his glass of wine and says _he just drank too much, he’s just tired._

His grandmother pulls him aside like she does every year, tells him she’s proud of him and gives him a hug and she goes home to her warm house and prays to a Jesus that Dan wishes he could believe in, because maybe then there’d be a reason to all this pain and it’d make sense, and he’d feel better with a prayer. 

Except. 

Except if Dan were to die and be at the gates of heaven Jesus wouldn’t let him in. 

That was okay, Dan had thought, he wouldn’t let him in either. 

**vii.**

**JANUARY.**

December 31st is the same, he types out Happy New Year’s Eve to Phil, outside his backyard in the freezing cold, but something stops him. They haven’t spoken since Dan left and he’s sad. He knows that he should have taken initiative, he should have been the one to send it, to let Phil know that despite everything -- he still thought of him, but he can’t and he doesn’t. It could be because he’s angry and he wants Phil to hurt, but he knows that’s not fair, and he wouldn’t wish for Phil to feel this pain even though he knows that he does. 

He takes another swig of the bottle in his hands and deletes the message, he can hear the counting down in the living room, and then a string of, _Happy New Year!_ Dan looks up and sees the first set of fireworks go off into the night. He feels a tear at the corner of his eye, and it travels down his face; it had been working so hard to come out of Dan’s body and there was a single moment of weakness and a little bit of alcohol. Dan feels relief, that he’s finally letting himself cry about what happened. Once that tear landed on the pavement, the second one came after. There was an army of tears that had been trapped and now that Dan had let it happen they were all coming out. 

He wipes his face as his tears fall, and he silently apologizes to his body for neglecting it, and making it work extra hard to keep him alive because god knows that he hadn’t been treating his body right by overeating or undereating, not sleeping to sleeping too much because of- a lot of things, but also because of heartache and the anxiety of the unknown. 

His phone vibrates, he feels his heart jump, but it’s a text from Jamie wishing him a Happy New Year. 

He puts his phone back in his pocket and let’s himself watch the rest of the fireworks, and listen to the yelling and laughter coming from the inside of his house. New years were meant for fresh starts, he found it fitting that their lease was up in January, of all months. He did not know what was going to happen to him, but he would try and be less angry this year, if it were possible. That was the problem, he didn’t know how to stop fixating on something when it happened, he didn’t want to be this ball of anger anymore. And then, he thought:

_If I don’t have my anger, then what do I have?_

**viii.**

Phil was the first one to move out of the flat. Dan had thought it was for the best if he had left for a while and come back when he was done to say goodbye. He told him to text him when he was done and Phil had agreed, thankfully. He had gone to the park instead, he didn’t know where else to go and he wanted to be nearby. He found himself power walking to the park and by the time he had gotten there his lungs felt like they were on fire but he swore he could run a marathon and still feel wound up inside. 

He found that description fitting; he was like a toy. 

“Oh my god, you’re Dan!” he heard a screeching noise from behind him. He turned around to see a girl with her dog, “Can we take a picture?” 

Dan had tried his best to smile, “Yeah, of course we can.” He was much taller than her, he bent down while she took a picture of the two of them, he wasn’t sure if he was smiling or if it turned out to be a grimace, but he’d never know because before he could even react to the photo her arms were already around him and it had took him off guard but he wrapped one arm around her awkwardly and she was already walking away. 

“Thank you!” She said looking behind her for a moment, and then back to her phone typing something and he thought of where she might post the picture if she did. It just made him think that this was the reason why everything was wrong. He just felt like this product that people could claim for a while and--

He had to stop thinking about it, he’d make himself angry again with the intrusive thoughts but with his anxiety already at an all time high it was all he could think about, pacing up and down the park. _She probably knew everything, she probably saw a video link or read the transcription._

He breathed in deeply, holding it in for three and letting it out on the fourth. 

He skipped rocks, he looked at ducklings in the pond, he smiled at dogs who were running with their owner and he tried not to make eye contact with anyone for too long. It wouldn’t make him invisible not making eye contact but he could think it. The waiting was killing him. He didn’t know how long he had been here but it was long enough that the park was slowly getting more and more populated the later it got. 

When his phone buzzed he saw that it was a text from Phil. The one he had been waiting for.

_We just finished. You can come back._

He took another deep breath and hurried back, climbing the stairs as fast as he could. When he opened the door Phil was looking out the window. Martyn must have been waiting downstairs in the car.

“Hi.” Dan said, his breathing was a little hard given that he never worked out and all the walking and stairs climbing had got to him. 

Phil had turned around and didn’t look him directly in the eye. Maybe he was doing what Dan had done in the park; if Phil didn’t look Dan in the eye he didn’t have to exist or be here. 

Phil had walked closer, his eyes were looking at the floor. Dan was trying to memorize him- everything that he could see, because he didn’t know what was going to happen after this. He wanted to commit everything to memory. Dan had ached to reach out to him, it made his hands twitch towards him and Phil noticed. 

Dan was twenty-one years old, two years ago Phil had made him a video for valentine’s day describing his best memories and the things that he loved about him, one year ago it leaked and it was fine until it wasn’t, a couple months ago it leaked again for many to see and nothing has been the same ever since. 

Phil had been the one to bridge the gap between them and Dan couldn’t help but bury his face in Phil’s neck. He didn’t want to let go, he didn’t know if he _could_ let go. It had been so long since he had felt any affection from Phil he wanted him to engulf Dan that way he didn’t have to see him leave.

He couldn’t fall apart yet. 

“ _If only we were strangers again,_ ” Dan whispered, echoing what Phil had said when this was all starting to happen. 

Phil was the first boy that Dan had ever loved, he wanted to tell him that but it was like his throat had closed up. He couldn’t even speak. When Phil pulled away he had looked at Dan again, noticing the curl in Dan’s hair from the sweat, Dan could see a faint of a smile, and his eyes closed when Phil had touched his cheek, and he held his breath when Phil had pushed the hair out of the way. 

“Bye Dan,” Phil had squeezed Dan’s arm and walked away.

He didn’t hear the door slam, he wasn’t even sure if it had even closed. 

So Dan did what every scared young child would do when they didn’t know what to do next, he called his mum and he fell apart and she listened.

**ix.**

**JUNE.**

Dan was finding birthday’s to get more and more depressing each year. He’d joke it’s another year towards death, but really, _it was another year towards death._ He was twenty-two and he felt so much older than that, especially in the mornings when it was hard for him to get out of bed, but that probably had to do with the fact that he had a pretty crap mattress in a dinky flat that he was sharing with Jamie. It was just for now, until Dan could figure out what he was doing. He had sulked for a good five months, tried to make videos, tried to get muse for anything, but he had gotten tipsy one night, scripted a video that basically said, “ _I’m taking a hiatus, I love you all,_ ” He didn’t see if people were mad, he had disappeared from social media much like Phil had. 

No one had heard anything from Phil, not even Dan. He supposed the promise of keeping in contact ran it’s course much like their relationship. It hurt to think about, maybe it was what Dan deserved. Some days, it didn’t hurt as bad. The pain level was at a seven most days, but some days, it was a five. 

_When his mum had come she held Dan while he fell apart. He couldn’t help but say Sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what else to do._

_She held on to Dan like he was a baby then, her fingers brushing through his hair, he may have been an adult but sometimes all you needed was to be held by your mum when the world felt like it was falling apart._

_She didn’t ask what happened, when they were packing his things into her tiny car he told her gradually._

_“He was my boyfriend,” sniffling at the last bit of tears, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve._

_“I know, love.”_

_When Dan had met with the landlord and handed him back the keys and shook his hand he looked quickly at the apartment building before getting in the car. He rested his head against the cool of the window and his mum told him not to worry, they’d figure it out._

 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Jamie had come bouncing in Dan’s room, with a donut and a cup of coffee. 

“Fuckin’ hell,” Dan had groaned into his pillow, grabbing his other pillow to cover his head. 

“Absolutely not,” Jamie’s irish accent (from his father), was very prominent right now, though he supposed that he had been working on it because of the play. “Get up.” Jamie had pushed Dan almost off the bed, and Dan relented. 

“Alright, ya twat.” Dan gotten up and smacked Jamie with the pillow but he did smile at the thought of Jamie getting up a little earlier than usual to go to the bakery to get him something for his birthday. 

They’ve been roommates for only a couple of months, and it was good for Dan, he didn’t know how he’d react if he lived alone, though every other day he went through a crisis about what he was doing with his life, but he did join Jamie a lot to help with the production, as best as he could, but he wasn’t really getting paid for it- but for now, it was just enough to get him out of the apartment and _do something._

Dan had taken the cup of coffee and donut to the kitchen and sat the the breakfast far and tried not to think about the breakfast bar in Manchester; he did that a lot -- there were reminders of him everywhere he went, but he tried to make those reminders a happy one. 

“So, don’t kill me, but I sort of arranged for some of the people to come with us tonight? I know we’re going to dinner but like, I also figured we could go club hopping.” Jamie had looked like he was bracing for whatever hell Dan may give him. 

Dan had to laugh, it was to be expected. There were a lot of nights when a rehearsal was done, Jamie would go out and Dan would go home and Jamie would come in the wee hours in the morning and Dan would be up but watching something on his computer, trying his best not to search for things that he had no business searching for. 

Dan had tried not to be moody around Jamie, but there were days when sometimes Dan had snapped and said something particularly awful and he’d go to his room for a few hours before walking back out and apologizing to Jamie. 

He understood that he was going through a hard time. Jamie still had his boyfriend but they were going through stuff too. His boyfriend wasn’t ready to move in even if Jamie was, it had been a whole thing and Jamie and Dan were quite opposite some days but they also had a level of understanding when it came to being ready for things. 

“I’m gonna complain the entire time, but yeah, why not.” Dan smirked at him, eating bits of the donut and tearing a tiny piece off to throw at Jamie who had bent down to catch it with his mouth but it ricocheted of his face and onto the floor. “What a fail.” 

His family had texted him in their group chat not too long ago and he supposed that he should reply to that soon, but he kind of felt like crawling back in bed for a few more hours to sleep. 

Jamie had watched as Dan stared at the empty plate, he walked over to Dan and gave him a hug, squeezing him tight, “Happy birthday, Dan, I promise to take care of you tonight even when we inevitably both get pissed off our tits,” 

Dan tugged on Jamie’s hair but had gotten up from the stool, placing his dish in the sink, when he drank the coffee it was a bit bitter, but it wasn’t Jamie’s fault for not knowing his order. They were still learning about each other, and it would never replace what Dan had, but he was his friend, and he tried, and that counted for something. 

Back in the comfort of his small bedroom he had continued to read this article he found about coal miners, they used canary birds as an early-warning for toxic gases, Dan found it interesting and a bit deep. They sent this bird in, a bird that had no idea what it was doing, it’s only existence was to do this one job, of going in and coming out, and either it’d live and everything would be fine or it’d die from the carbon monoxide. It was a big risk, life or death. 

Dan couldn’t help but resonate with that -- even if he didn’t understand exactly how. 

Jamie had come back from a short rehearsal to find Dan sitting on the the couch playing video games, if this was how he spended his twenty-second birthday then he was pretty content with that. Although he was finding it a little bit difficult to not be distracted, the last time he had played this game he was teaching Phil how to play it and it was a lot of screaming but it wasn’t the worst- and by the end of it they were both laughing at how shit Phil was. 

Reminders, they were everywhere, and it was no one’s fault for it. 

A lot of the time Dan was trying to put the blame on something, or someone. He knew that the reason why he had put himself on a hiatus and silence was because half of that blame was on Youtube. There were days when he just wanted to write the longest letter, explaining what their glitch had done to them, and he even went as far as to type it all out only to delete because in the end, it really wasn’t their fault. 

And that blame would slowly shift back to Phil for making the goddamn video in the first place. He’d pull his hair out, a constant war with himself for being this way, because it wasn’t his fault either. _Why did there need to be blame in the first place?_ He would often think, pacing up and down in his room. He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. 

Whenever he felt that kind of hatred in his heart about things that were above his control he’d get drunk, and then he’d find himself crying about it while he read the transcript of the video that he found, he had never been able to find a link to the video, maybe people had just gotten good at hiding it.

“Dan?” Jamie hit him with a pillow, and he snapped out of the train of thought only to realize that it was game over, he had died mid thought, he turned to look at Jamie again who masked his concern well. 

“Mate, you alright?” 

“I’m fine.” Dan pressed the ‘resume’ button, and he pressed the buttons so hard that his thumbs started to hurt until he defeated the level. Anger could get you anywhere, and apparently it could also help you win the level. 

“Right,” Jamie let out a breath, “Get ready soon, yeah?” 

Dan turned off the game and telly, and back to his cave he went. It didn’t really feel like his birthday. There was always a bit of sadness that came, he had gotten text messages from family members, a couple friends back home but he didn’t expect much. 

He had quickly taken a shower, and turned the straightener on, running back to his room to quickly get changed. Finding a shirt that wasn’t dirty was the problem, he dug deep in his drawer that he rarely used, for some reason Dan was still living out of a suitcase in the corner of his closet. 

“Mate, I almost burned myself on your fuckin’ straightener!” Jamie called from the bathroom and Dan shook his head. 

“Sorry!” 

Dan smiled to himself for a minute, finding it a little easier to breathe. It could get better. He rated the pain at a four. 

Their bathroom was small, a lot of the time when one was showering the other was attempting to do their hair at the same time and ended up getting splashes of water on the other. Dan had grabbed the blowdryer from below the sink and Jamie had grabbed it from his hand. 

“What?” Dan looked at him curiously. 

“Listen, I love that you are never changing with your clothing style and your hair but, for the love of God, Dan, give your hair a break from the straighteners.” Jamie had embraced the curly hair lifestyle not too long ago, it seemed that most people from his past had taken the straightener route, all kids trying to convince themselves that their hair wasn’t that important when it was the only thing they were proud of. Dan wouldn’t lie when he thought of all of his body issues; he felt too chubby or too awkwardly shaped a lot of the time and his hair was the thing that he could control. 

“Can I style it please? If you hate it then you can straighten it.” 

Dan had sighed heavily. “Fine.” 

Dan sat on the lid of the toilet while Jamie had messed with his hair, plugging the blowdryer in and unplugging the straightener. He had some hair product bought from Boots, and Dan wouldn’t lie that it felt good when he ran his hands through his hair. It was relaxing and he found himself closing his eyes as he sort of half massaged and half tried to sculpt it into something, with the warm air on his neck he could fall asleep here. Jamie mussed his hair with the gel and then patted Dan on the cheek. 

“It’s done.” 

When Dan looked in the mirror, he didn’t look like himself; with the tips of his fingers he had touched the little curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Dan looked the same but so incredibly different he didn’t know what he thought of it. 

Jamie placed his hands on Dan’s shoulders and smiled like a proud parent. Jamie technically was a parent to Dan at least lately, he swore that his mum texted Jamie more than he texted Dan. 

“Well say something you twat.” Jamie had chuckled, and Dan smiled. 

“I like it.” He did, it wasn’t a lie -- he just didn’t look like him. 

“Let’s go.” Jamie yanked him by the shirt and they were off. 

*

Walking the streets of London sometimes terrified him, there had been a few instances where he ran into someone who was a fan, and asked for a picture, and Dan didn’t know how to react whenever someone asked. Jamie had saved him a few times, saying that they were busy and that Dan wasn’t inclined to take a picture with them. He’d advise Dan to not look back and he never did. He hated being that person, he didn’t want to be that person, but he hadn’t touched any social media, hadn’t looked at his Youtube channel, as far as people knew he didn’t exist anymore. Neither did Phil. There were so many questions left unanswered. He dropped the thought and focused on just walking.

There was a little hole in the wall place called Aladdin’s, it was close enough to their apartment, down a terribly uneven road, the people had known them by name whenever they came and they ordered the same dish, it was Dan’s favourite place, it seemed appropriate that they went here for dinner given their budget was about to be severely blown by the fruity drinks Dan would order at the bar. 

“Who’s all coming?” Dan had passed the rice to Jamie who took it from his hands, getting a hearty scoop on his plate. 

“I dunno for sure, I know the people from today’s rehearsals may be there, you know Corinna and Jonas,” aside from Jamie they were the only two that were openly gay, and Dan had a suspicion of where they were going. 

Dan took a long drink of his water, nodding his head. 

“Happy birthday, again,” Jamie had smiled at Dan, studying him for a long moment. There was this unspoken rule that they didn’t talk about Phil, Jamie didn’t want to erase Phil but because of the long days, when Dan was just intolerable they had to promise each other to not bring it up for a while. Dan doesn’t know what Jamie is about to say next but he’s afraid for it, internally bracing. 

“You deserve good things to happen to you, who knows, tonight may be your lucky night.” Jamie had given him a little rainbow pin. “I spent a pound on that so you better bloody like it.”

Dan rolled his eyes jokingly, his fingers brushing over the rainbow and he placed it on the inside of his jacket, Jamie understood that there were problems that Dan still was working through with his sexuality, it was understandable given the context of what happened, but Jamie was also very proud of himself and who he was and was very comfortable when it came to externally showing it, this little pin was for Dan and Dan’s eyes only. 

“Thank you, Jame.” He opened his jacket a little and smiled to himself. 

When dinner finished Dan and Jamie split the bill and Jamie called Jonas to ask him where they should go first. 

“Are you ready, birthday boy?” Jamie had swung an arm around him. 

“Not in the slightest.”

*

Dan had liked to think that he was pretty good at turning down drinks, they were in a club that was called Piccadilly something, Dan didn’t quite catch the name but there were many levels to the club, a section was reserved for those who wanted to pay the big bucks, but it was populated with people like Dan and his little group of theatre friends who were there to get drunk and maybe get lucky. There was a bar in the corner of the room, and if you were to look out the window it was just lines of taxi’s and a concrete jungle, it seemed that parts of London were always doing some kind of construction somewhere. 

A girl had been jumping from groups of people in the club offering them shots, Dan had turned them down three times, he felt incredibly out of place here, he couldn’t even fix his hair because it had so much shit in it, that took down one of his nervous tics, his other was stuttering through his words but he wasn’t really talking to anyone, just listening to the music that was blasting making it damn near impossible anyway. When the rave lights had come on Dan had to shake his head, he wasn’t a club guy; everyone here, he felt, could tell. 

*

Soho was full of interesting people, he had only passed through a few times, the night of the Halloween Gathering they had come here but then left to the next stop, being here now, freshly twenty-two was a bit surreal. Jamie had held hands with Corinna and Jonas had an arm wrapped around Jamie’s waist, they were all a bit drunk, Dan felt moderately fine, a little light, but nothing extreme. He could still walk in a straight line, he still could think somewhat clearly. Maybe he did need to drink more, he wanted to feel as light as his friends, but he felt like he was on the outside looking in. 

“Dan,” Corinna had held her hand out for Dan to grab and hold, he was just sort of walking behind them. He smiled kindly at her, trying to catch up, grabbing her hand. He couldn’t help but think of the fact that if it were just Corinna and Dan holding hands how normal it must have looked to everyone else, they wouldn’t bat an eyelash, but when Jamie had wrapped an arm around him earlier in the night he knew that people stared at them, and it came with the territory, boys were raised to believe that physical platonic affection between men wasn’t necessary or needed, although Dan couldn’t help but crave that affection and he grew up thinking that he was weird, _that he was wrong._

They were a force to be reckoned with now, all holding each other in some way to the first of many gay clubs tonight. Dan had felt nervous, he wasn’t comfortable with this, he still felt so flimsy with his sexuality and what he wanted, but there was power in numbers, and he remembered the little rainbow pin inside his jacket and it was okay. 

He’d be okay. 

*  
They had gone to two other gay bars but they weren’t that exciting, Jonas thought he had a good judgment if a club was worth their time or not just by stepping in it. They were drunk so he felt that his judgment was a bit impaired but Dan couldn’t really complain. He’d follow where they led him, but just being somewhat of a passenger in this ordeal, Dan was having fun. He liked seeing everyone dressed up in zany clothes that he didn’t feel he could rock but he admired others from afar.

There's something quite beautiful about gay bars, Dan was finding. It had to be the atmosphere. There were drag queens that were DJ’s, often performing a song that Dan didn’t quite understand because he hadn’t been in this community long- or he didn’t feel like he belonged until not too long ago. He was learning a lot, and he knew that he must have came off as a pleb when someone would walk up to him talking about a piece of media that he didn’t know or a slang that he didn’t understand. He knew that were things like law jargon, philosophy jargon, medical jargon, and he was learning the same went with LGBT+ jargon. 

The club he was in now was just one of the many LGBT clubs on this block, if you were to look across the street there was a noodle shop, surrounded by other clubs and restaurants. It was a cold night, when he had taken a breather outside he was surrounded by couples smoking cigarettes, each with glasses of beer or cups of some sort of cocktail. You could hear the sound of someone singing from the inside, outside, and if you looked closely you’d see the neon lights and the strobe that was set up not too long before they arrived. 

“You got a light?” A girl had asked, her makeup was smeared, it had looked like she had been crying. 

“No, I don’t, sorry,” Dan shook his head and then rested against one of the blocks. He needed a couple of minutes to himself. 

“Dan, mate, someone in here wants your number!” Jamie had walked over to Dan and yanked him back in the crowd and he followed suit, looking for the person that wanted his number “so badly”, it was so dark in here regardless of the extravagant strobe and neon lights. It was also incredibly hot. A girl had walked towards them offering shots but in a tube form for five pounds, Dan had bought two for him and Jamie. 

“Oh, never mind, he left,” His friend had said again. Dan wasn’t sure if this guy was real given how out of it Jamie was. 

“Are you having fun?” Jamie had yelled over the music. 

Dan’s eyes were scanning for Jonas and Corinna but they had seemingly disappeared into the crowd of people.

“I am! It’s different,” Dan shrugged his shoulders, taking a deep breath again he leaned over so Jamie could hear him better, “I’m going to go to the bathroom, yeah?” 

From what he could see now, he’d have to go across what looked like to be a dance floor that was polluted by men and women grinding on each other but he had to admire it. To him it wasn’t raunchy or unpleasant, in a way it didn’t even feel sexual to him watching as every so often the pairs of people would switch up and they’d mouth hello to a stranger before dancing with them.

Dan felt uncomfortable a lot of the time, and yet this was the most comfortable he’d felt in a while. He took a deep breath and made his trek to across the room to try and get to the stairs to the loo. He passed by a bunch of people who placed a hand on him but as if they were gently leading him to the other side. He had said hello to a few who said hi to him and then climbed up the steep set of stairs. 

When he had opened up the door he had seen a boy sitting on the free space of the counter next to the sink smoking a cigarette. He looked sweaty and the makeup he was wearing was also smeared. Dan tried not to make eye contact as he went into the stall. To be honest he came here to escape -- and now that someone else was in here doing the same he didn’t really have a reason to be in here. So he pretended to use the restroom, hoping that maybe if he waited long enough the guy would leave. He didn’t. So Dan had grabbed toilet paper as to make the sound that he was actually doing something in the stall and flushed the toilet. 

He went to go wash his hands and took a deep breath. The last shot had gone to his head and made him feel a little bit heavier than the last drink. 

“Is it your first time here?” The guy had asked, he had tilted his head towards Dan, observing him carefully, as if he didn’t know to trust him or not. 

“Yeah,” Dan said, wiping his hands on the paper towel. “You?” Dan had nodded towards him, and he was able to look at him fully now. He had noticed a couple red marks on his neck, and his hair which was shorter in some places. 

“Yeah,” the guy smiled, taking a drag of his cigarette, there was a pause, and he blew out the smoke upwards. Dan looked up; brown stains littered the ceiling as if it were it’s own galaxy. “I just moved here from Newcastle,” 

That explained the accent, it sounded familiar- in a way. 

Dan didn’t really know what to else to do or say. “That’s- that’s cool, man,” He offered him a smile. 

“Yeah,” The guy said again, closing his eyes for a second, only to snap them open again. “I’m Kenzie by the way,” He had offered a hand and as he did so, it pulled some of the long sleeve back, exposing lines up and down the pieces of skin that he could see that seemed calculated and planned. He shook the guy’s hands. 

“Dan,” He quietly said, retracting his hand, but Kenzie didn’t seem bothered that he saw. 

“I came out to my parents about a week ago. They didn’t take it very well.” His eyes were closed again, the cigarette still burned though it was at the end of it’s life. Dan rested against the wall. 

“My mum had poured hot water on my head and my dad had grabbed me here,” Kenzie demonstrated, wrapping his long and slender fingers around his neck to show Dan and he felt a sadness that stuck to the back of his throat. 

“Shit. I’m sorry,” Dan said looking down at his shoes. He was never the best when it came to people’s confessions, he listened as best as he could but when it came to advice he never really knew what to say -- there was a lot of power when it came to offering people advice, he didn’t want to be the one to destroy something that wasn’t completely broken. 

Kenzie shook his head. “No, no, it’s fine, yeah? I’m very proud of who I am. I’m fuckin gay!” He laughed, though it was the kind of laugh that Dan recognized, the one where you hide how uncomfortable you’re feeling by big, loud gestures. Dan felt for the guy.

“I’m way better off without ‘em, yeah?” Kenzie blew a smoke ring in Dan’s face which made him cough a little. 

“I think so.” Dan smiled at the boy, wanting to go downstairs and get some water, wanting to dissolve into the floorboards, wanting to not exist for a couple of hours. 

“‘S why I decided to cut me hair meself, didn’t go exactly as planned as you can see, yeah,” The boy ran his fingers through the small little patch of hair that he did have. 

Dan observed the way that he moved, it was very boisterous, his legs were swinging, and he danced to the songs that were being played downstairs. 

“What about you? Are you gay?” Dan didn’t know the etiquette, he certainly knew that not most people just out and asked people if they were gay, but considering that they were in a place that was supposed to be somewhat safe, surrounded by people alike, it seemed like a valid and bold question. But it was The Question and it had been a while since someone had directly asked him if he was gay. It still kept him up at night, thinking back to a blog he used to run, and bold people who used to ask. It seemed like such a lifetime ago. 

He used to come up with different answers a long time ago, if people were to ever ask and what he’d say. In some of these scenarios he happily said yes, but then he needed to add that gay was an umbrella term and he preferred queer- and then in others he just told them that he didn’t know exactly what he was but he was content with that answer. A lot of these scenarios had a big question mark at the end of it. There was no denying it, as much as his younger self had tried to make himself fit in a box that wasn’t his- trying to fit Phil in a box that wasn’t fair- this box where only Phil was an exception, that no, he wasn’t queer, just only queer for Phil. It didn’t work like that. He liked boys. He liked boys and he liked boys with a sense of humour and were kind. He tried so hard to fight who he used to be that he just needed to take that deep breath and let go. There wasn’t anyone holding a video or the nasty words that people said over his head anymore. He could be who he wanted to be, there was never a time where he couldn’t reinvent himself. And once upon a time, he loved a boy who loved him back, and that was real and so easily palpable. He didn’t want to be palpable anymore. 

“I’m.. I’m-- I like boys, yeah.” His voice seemed strangled, like someone had been holding him by the neck for too long, yet he nodded his head and rubbed the back of his neck, tripping on his words, “I’m queer. That’s the label I prefer, at least.” 

“Well alright then.” Kenzie smiled at him, jumping off from the counter. “Do you have a phone?” 

_God_ , Dan thought, _god was this going to turn into a hookup?_

Dan had fumbled for his phone and handed it to him. He had punched something into his notes from what Dan could see. 

“Here’s an address. You should go to it. It’s uh, a haven for a lot of people.” Kenzie had handed him back his phone and patted Dan’s shoulder. “I’ll see you later, Dan.” 

Kenzie had opened the door and the music had become more prominent for a second and then it was gone. 

“Wait, what?” Dan had said, looking down at his notes, it was an address. He opened the door to try and ask him what this was, but he was gone. 

Did he exist? Dan had ran down the stairs and looked outside but he disappeared. The only evidence of Kenzie’s existence was the cigarette butt on the tiled floor with walls that have seen and heard too much. 

**x.**

Dan isn’t sure how exactly they got home. It’s amazing that they managed to get a cab in the state that they were in last night. He has a pounding headache and he feels extremely frail and queasy this morning. When he looks over he sees that Jamie is lying down on the floor with Jonas and Corinna and they’re wrapped in Dan’s comforter. 

“Fuck,” Dan groans, he needs water and something for his head. After the first couple of university parties he swore he wouldn’t ever get this drunk again because of how it felt the morning after. He gets up from bed as slow as he can, the morning brightness too much for his sensitive eyes. He thinks maybe crawling might be a good option, that way he can rest on the way if he needs to. 

He doesn’t turn the bathroom light on when he gets there, the light of the hallway is going to have to be enough as he searches for ibuprofen. He’s so grateful that he didn’t take the water cup out of the bathroom. Once he takes the drink of water, he goes in for another drink. 

He lays back down on his bed, but now that he’s awake he’s finding it hard to fall back asleep so he looks at his phone, maybe it’d reveal what he got up to last night. He goes to his camera roll and sees a few blurry photos that they tried to take last night in their drunken state, he didn’t take that many photos though. He frowns, feeling a little anxious to look at his messages but he didn’t try and text anyone it looked like. That was one thing he was glad about -- when he got drunk he never tried to message people, he just looked at things that he wouldn’t normally do sober. He didn’t know if it was a curse or blessing. Though he does remember something from last night, a boy. 

He taps on the notes app, and he sees the address again. 

What interrupts his train of thought is Jamie’s snoring, he smiles for a moment, but the movement hurts, any movement hurts. He’ll look it up later, he puts his phone on the charger and flips on his stomach, grabbing the thin sheet over his head and falling back asleep. 

When he wakes up again he’s surrounded by darkness and everyone has left his bedroom, putting the comforter back on Dan, he looks at the clock and it’s eleven o’clock at night. He can see a light on underneath the door. His head is still pounding but his stomach is so empty and he still feels so dehydrated. He grabs pants and quickly slips out of his bedroom to see Jamie on the couch passed out and watching the telly. 

Dan takes a shower, not having the energy to blowdry or straighten his hair but he does manage to get dressed. He shuffles to the kitchen grabbing a banana and eating it. He takes his coat and looks around for his wallet remember he left it in his other pair of trousers. He’ll text Jamie that he went out for a bit. 

*

There’s comfort at night, at least for Dan. London wasn’t as busy, the people who were out didn’t care who you were and wouldn’t stop you because they were on a mission to get to their point B. Dan had always loved London at night because of this. He could be completely invisible and take the time to love the city that he was in. He had looked the address up but it didn’t tell him what exactly what it was other than it was in one of the borough’s by where he used to live with Phil. It was about twelve minutes away from where they used to live, and Dan wondered if the address would end up taking him to this guy’s apartment. Either way, he was curious, and stupid, apparently. 

He waited at the bus stop, the night time buses were still running but just a bit infrequently. He was the only one that the bus picked up when it did come, the red double decker buses a comforting sight, he swiped his Oyster card and sat at one of the seats near the exit. Any other day he would have sat upstairs, you could watch the view better from up there but he didn’t feel particularly keen on that tonight. He put his earbuds in and lost himself in the music, looking at the maps occasionally so he could know when he needed to get off. He had about thirty minutes of trek until he got there.

His mind went blank, he didn’t feel real, he knew that probably had to do with the fact he wasn’t feeling too great, but when he got into this sort of feeling it was hard to get him out of it, the black cloud seemed to follow him everywhere no matter how badly he tried to distinguish it and make it better. He thought about the boy he met last night -- he seemed so ethereal despite all the battle scars that his family had given him. 

It gave Dan a lot to think about. He wondered if, he’d ever have that level of confidence that the boy had, whether it be a show or not- just the fact that he could verbally say how proud and gay he was- it was admirable. There were far stronger people out there, that had to endure a lot more than Dan did when it came to their sexualities. It didn’t make Dan’s experience any less important -- Dan was beginning to just barely understand the weight of everything that had happened, not just to him, but to other people. 

He had rang the bell to request a stop, he said thank you to the bus driver, exiting and looking to see what direction he needed to walk next. While it was quite late at night there were still people out and about, there were pubs scattered across London, though he figured they’d be closing down soon. 

There were a lot of buildings here but no real signs of life other than people waiting at the bus or leaving the pubs and restaurants, it wasn’t exactly a business district like Canary Wharf but there seemed to be quite a few big buildings which he assumed to be offices. Maybe the guy was trying to pull his leg, he didn’t understand where this address would take him too. 

He was getting closer it looked like, and he could hear music, but coming from a speaker it seemed like. There were a lot of teenagers hanging around this cart, and they were laughing. It wasn’t like a street food vendor by any means, there were several coolers set on top of the cart and a few on the ground. Dan had looked at the address again and it seemed to be near here at least. 

“You lookin’ for some food?” It was an older woman, probably late forties, she had unruly curly hair but had a kind face, some of the teenagers that were surrounding her had looked at Dan and smiled. 

“Uh, no,” he had laughed a bit awkwardly, walking up closer to the group of people. “I’m actually looking for this address?” 

The woman had waved for him to come to her and he obliged, someone had gone to the boombox and turned the music up and they started to dance. 

“Oh, well, that’s us.” The woman had said, grabbing something from the cooler it was a sandwich and then a small water bottle. 

“What’s ‘us’ exactly?” He said, taking the sandwich and the water bottle but feeling incredibly confused about it. 

“Oh, well, we’re an LGBT+ voluntary organization. We help those who need it.” 

Dan is slowly putting the pieces together, he gulps and then nods his head. 

“Right, okay.” He looks at the people surrounding the cart, and smiles as best as he can. _Right_. He thought, and then said, “Last night I went to a gay club, and this guy I had met typed this in and he called it a safe haven, and I was curious so I just--” He gestured to them, to this corner of the street that they were all congregating at, he didn’t know what to say. 

“So, are you living on the street? How can we help?” The woman smiled at him, and he wanted to cry, purely because she was so genuine, and his head hurt, and his heart hurt, everything was hurting. 

“No, no, I have a place to live with my roommate I just--” He took a deep breath. 

“Well, my name is Val. If you want to check us out later during our “normal” business hours we’d happily talk to you about our mission, we meet across the street there, we just pass out food to people who want it,” She had pointed across the street and saw that it said Moti’s Safe Haven and there was the LGBT flag hanging in the window. 

“Okay, thank you, Val,” His voice was shaking a little, he held up the food and then started to walk away. 

“What’s your name?” She asked. He could come up with a fake name. He could tell her a lie. His jaw clenched slightly before turning around again, smiling.

“I’m Dan.” 

“We hope to see you around, Dan.” She waved to him, but was distracted by someone else walking up to the cart, he watched as she opened the cooler again and handed him a sandwich and a water bottle. 

**xi.**

Dan didn’t sleep much that night, and when morning peeked through his curtains he had gotten up when he thought it was appropriate and started to cook breakfast for him and Jamie. It was good for him to have something to do while he was lost in thought. Jamie had woken up right when he finished and grabbed two plates from the cupboard.

“Thanks,” Jamie said with a smile, looking at Dan for a brief moment, taking some of the scrambled eggs and picking some bacon. The toast was ready to be buttered and he sat at the breakfast bar. “How are you feeling?” Jamie had laughed, because like he predicted they had gone all out. 

“I’m okay, actually.” He sat next to Jamie and could have cried from how good this tasted. 

Dan didn’t really want to talk right now, in fact there was a feeling of anxiety almost, or maybe it was anticipation to go back to the place, though he didn’t know why. He didn’t really need to go -- but he found himself wanting to anyway. Perhaps it was Val’s kindness that drew him there, she seemed like someone who could be trusted, though he supposed that meant she was good at her job. Still though -- if the criteria for whatever the place was -- he didn’t exactly fit it. He was fine, maybe not as financially stable as he’d like but he saved up enough to be good for a while, but that didn’t mean he’d be homeless, he’d just go back to Wokingham. He didn’t even know why he was even thinking about it. 

“Someone directed me to this homeless shelter? Well, I don’t know what actually it is, maybe it’s just an community center but… I went to it last night.” Dan mentioned to Jamie, breaking the eating silence. 

“Yeah, I was wonderin’ where you went off to last night,” Jamie had burned his mouth it looked like by the way he chugged his milk and Dan shook his head with a laugh. 

“I thought it was going to be this guy’s flat address or something,” He shrugged, but he didn’t want to say anything else other than that. For now this was his thing to keep to himself- he didn’t want Jamie to assume anything, but he did want to tell someone. They were by no means best friends, and Dan didn’t feel that level of closeness that he once had, and while that hurt still, he just wanted to talk to someone, even if it was about something as small as what he was giving Jamie. 

“Cool. You want me to go with ya?” Jamie had a mouthful of food and Dan flicked one of the seeds from the bread at Jamie and he tried to dodge it but it hit his cheek. 

“No, no, it’s fine. You got shit to do today with the play,” It was early production, the rehearsals weren’t as long since they were barely just getting it off the ground and Dan didn’t have to be there but Jamie did since he was actually performing. 

“Yeah, sorry, mate. I’ll bring dinner?” He suggested, and Dan nodded his head. 

They could do that. 

It was amazing how life seemed to move on. 

*

After Jamie left Dan had actually tried to look put together with clean clothes and straightened hair, and he found himself at the bus stop again. Dan decided to sit upstairs that way he could actually admire the view now that it was light out. He held his breath when they passed by his old neighbourhood, he looked for the Dan and Phil ghosts that haunted the streets of all the places that they had went, but the only reminder that they existed was just in Dan’s memory. He couldn’t help but feel that nauseating feeling when the bus rolled by the apartment, he missed it in a terrible way but he knew that if he were to make a video now, no one would probably care, there would be nobody left to watch. He had been so disconnected with his online life it put him into a tailspin. 

Jamie was pretty much his only source when it came to stuff about the media other than Reddit, but that was just obscure memes. 

His mum had texted him good morning, wishing him happy birthday again and that she was sending a birthday card pretty soon. 

He rang the bell for his stop and quickly walked down the stairs and out the bus doors and memorized the walk towards the building, he did have to get out the map on his phone because everything looked much different in the light but he did remember the pub that he passed, and then down the street into an alleyway which wasn’t very long which led to the big buildings and he looked for the sign. 

He didn’t notice the LGBT+ flag last night that was flowing in the wind, he smiled faintly, crossing the street opening the door. There was a desk in the front, someone was typing away on the computer, but it was a very open space that had rooms for different purposes. There was a couch sitting by the window though they weren’t being occupied. 

“Hello,” The lady at the desk had smiled, “Are you here to see Val?” She asked. 

“Uh, yeah.” Dan had stuffed his hands in his pockets, and admired the posters on the wall, there was a big board that displayed what their mission was about with photos of the people that were involved, a lot of teens, but there was also a lot of elders, too. He walked towards the board and there were written testaments about this place and what it had meant to the people here. He looked for Kenzie on the board but he didn’t see him. 

“Ah, that’s my favourite board,” He had heard Val behind him and he briefly turned to her. “A lot of them came from homelessness, about 98% of the people on that board were kicked out of their homes for coming out, now they have jobs and some even volunteer here,” She had placed a hand on the board, and pointed towards one of them. 

“That’s Lia, she’s the one who greeted you,” Val had looked back at the desk and so did Dan. 

They waved at each other and Dan felt something stuck in his throat again. 

“Would you like a coke?” Val offered. 

“Um, sure?” Dan was trying not to make this as painfully awkward, but he never knew what to say to people when put under the spot. 

She nodded and led him towards the back, the space was flooded with pictures and offices for all what Dan assumed to be their services that they provided, they passed by a couple lounging areas that people were playing board games at, they all said hi to Val when they passed until they reached the back where there was a small cafeteria, it wasn’t big by any means, it was about the size of his kitchen back home which wasn’t huge or taking up a lot of space but big enough for the family that he had. 

He waited awkwardly by a table while Val went to the back and grabbed two cokes and sat at one of the tables that had a stack of cards. 

He sat across from her, his legs bouncing up and down probably shaking the table. 

“So, someone told you about us, yeah?” She opened her can and then his. 

From outside the door you could hear laughter and Val smiled overhearing it as well. Dan nodded his head at her question. 

“Yeah, at a club. His name was Kenzie.”

She had thought at the top of her head and then she smiled again. “Right, Kenzie from Newcastle. He stayed with one of our volunteers for a few nights, he comes around every so often.” She takes a drink from her coke but Dan can’t seem to stop shaking from nervousness, if he were to be a breed of dog he’d probably resemble a chihuahua pretty well. 

“Would you like to know more about our services?” She didn’t have a brochure or anything -- this wasn’t a sales pitch, but a genuine question and honestly? Dan did want to know their services, he felt like he was in some dream state but he had to remind himself that this was real life and for some reason the universe had made this happen, but he didn’t think too much about it. 

“Sure,” Dan smiles politely at the woman, he twiddles his thumbs in his lap and tried to make a conscious effort of not shaking his leg. 

“Much like I told you last night it’s to help those who want to be helped. We provide safe homes, mentoring, training, support for teens and elderly- a lot of teens come from hostile and abusive environments and they’re given a mentor and a place to stay from two days to two years, we help them get back on their feet and even jobs. But aside from that we’re all just a place for people to come to when they want to escape for a few hours, someone is always here ready to plan board games, video games, or help prepare meals that we serve at night like you saw. 

It’s like a family here, and I know this is a bit overwhelming- I probably come off too strong I’m just really passionate about this place,” Val had leaned back in her chair, taking another sip from the can. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Dan had laughed awkwardly, his palms were sweating now. 

“That’s okay. You can just chill here if you want, get to know the people.” 

Dan had a strange feeling, like he wanted to say something, but not knowing what to say or how to word it. He didn’t know how he felt, other than feeling like he was hiding something, but she was probably used to that- probably used to people coming in and out of here because of their own confusion. 

“Look, I don’t know what I’m doing here- I was just curious about the address, I don’t know what got into me by coming- I don’t feel like I really belong or can contribute anything--” He had gotten up from the table and Val did too but she had her hands out almost as in surrender. 

“Hey, ‘s alright. I’m sorry to overwhelm you, just last night you seemed a little lost,” 

He tried not to flinch, lost was an understatement. He was incredibly lost in all sense of the word.

“You know Kenzie came here because someone recommended it to him from the gay bar. We have a lot of volunteers that like to go there,” 

That made a lot of sense, as drunk as Dan was he did remember seeing printed out posters that were pinned to the wall going up to the bathroom of different LGBT things that people could attend if they wanted to, he didn’t read them through, he was looking to escape. 

“If you want to talk to someone, we have a few mentors that would gladly talk to you, if that’s something you’d be interested in?” She looked at him intently, giving him his full attention it intimidated him. This whole thing seemed surreal. “If not, you could probably join in on a game of apples to apples with some of the people here.” 

“I need to go home- I had made plans with my roommate,” Dan had a cop out that wasn’t a lie, but Dan had a feeling Val had heard excuses a lot, but she didn’t bat an eyelash. 

“Well we’re open everyday of the week, don’t be shy,” She patted his shoulder and then lead him out the door. 

Dan felt weightless as he walked to the bus station, his head felt clouded. There was a problem when it came to hoarding secrets, he was beginning to find, the more he held them in, the harder it was to maintain them. He was tired of carrying his secrets like a dead weight, he wanted to be free of them. He just didn’t know where to start.

**xii.**

Jamie had dinner setup by the time Dan had come back. The food was sitting on the coffee table and he supposed that they were going eat on the ground and watch the telly. Dan was out of it and Jamie could tell but he didn’t say anything. When they sat next to each other Dan had leaned against Jamie’s shoulder. It had caught Jamie by surprise but he wrapped an arm around Dan and squeezed his arm. 

“Bad day?” Jamie had asked, putting a big heap of chow mein on Dan’s plate. 

“I don’t know.” Dan answered, grabbing a pair of chopsticks and dumping some orange chicken, he passed it to Jamie. 

They didn’t end up turning the telly on, the only sound was the nightlife outside their apartment, ambulances in the distance, babies being born, Dan thought because Phil had said it once. 

“I miss him, Jamie.” Dan eventually muttered. 

Jamie didn’t stop eating his food, but he nodded in solidarity. “I think Micah and I are breaking up soon,” He sighed. 

It was Dan’s turn to nod in solidarity. 

It was bound to happen, they tried hard to make it work, and it wasn’t because they didn’t love each other but Jamie was always busy and Micah was always traveling, and he didn’t want to move in with Jamie and that was always the thing that they argued about, Dan could hear it whenever Micah did come. 

“I ruined it,” Dan admitted, feeling that lump in his throat again. 

“No you didn’t,” Jamie had took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

Dan had gotten up and grabbed the cheap bottle of Smirnoff from the fridge and set it on the coffee table. It was that kind of night. 

“No, I definitely did. I didn’t want to--” Dan closed his eyes and sighed, taking another bite of the chow mein. 

“You were scared.” Jamie’s voice was soft, he had unscrewed the cap of the Smirnoff and handed it to Dan who drank from the bottle. He made a face at the taste, it really was just rubbing alcohol and he’d regret it after that night of drinking. 

“I was scared.” Dan agreed, _but that doesn’t make it right._

“Micah’s scared.” Jamie had taken a deep breath, reaching out for the bottle, both abandoning the food. “Although I’m not sure what he’s scared of. The commitment of moving in? Our parents already know we’re dating so it’s just… I don’t get it.” 

Dan couldn’t exactly relate, he get the being scared part but he didn’t understand why Micah didn’t want to live with Jamie. He didn’t want to think it was because people drifted apart. He didn’t understand how people did long term relationships -- or how his parents lasted, or if it was real. Love shouldn’t have to hurt this bad and yet the two were both being burned by it in different ways. 

“When did you come out?” Dan had known that Jamie was gay but that’s because someone else had told him he was gay. 

They’re lying on the floor, the bottle of smirnoff is between them now. 

“I want to say year seven? I didn’t really understand that it was like…. A weird thing I guess? I had told a boy that I liked him during recess, he pushed me to the ground. Someone who was supervising outside saw him push me and asked what happened and he yelled what I said to him. Then my mum came and asked if it was true and I said yes. She ignored it for a while, then year ten happened, and that was…. hell. I got pushed into a rose bush, I don’t know if you remember that or not, but I came home crying and I had to recome out to my mum again and she believed me that time.” Dan couldn’t see him roll his eyes but he knew that he did. 

“Then I told my dad, and he was more supportive than my mum, but she came around. It sucks because Wokingham doesn’t have really anything for LGBT unless you want to go Reading.” Jamie sits up and grabs the bottle and takes a swig. Dan sighs, sitting up with him and grabbing the bottle after him. 

“Did you ever hate yourself because you were gay?” Dan’s eyes were directly at their wood floor, he felt vulnerable and weepy but the only indication that he was feeling that way was the strain of his voice. 

“Not really. I mean, I kind of did after getting thrown into a fucking thorn bush but… boys are mean. I don’t think it’s necessarily their fault though. We are who we surround ourselves with, hate is learned and most of the time people are just… not educated on things that are different, especially because we live in such a small area.” Jamie’s eyes were closed but his hands reached out for the bottle which Dan gave him back. 

Dan was already feeling the effects of the alcohol. 

“You’re right,” Dan agreed. He felt a tear prickle at the corner of his eye. 

Dan wants to tell him everything. But he didn’t feel ready. 

“Micah was the first boy that I really, genuinely, loved. It wasn’t just fatuation, you know? It’s real.” Jamie’s voice was small, and he was crying when Dan looked over at him. Jamie was loud a lot of the time, he had strong opinions about things and was incredibly empathetic towards others. He really embraced himself and was out there and it was hard to see him like this. 

So Dan cried for Jamie. And he cried for a little bit of himself too. 

“Are you going to go back to that place that you went to?” Jamie said wiping his face. “I think it’d be good for you, if it means anything,” Jamie said, and then added, “I mean I know you don’t believe that things have a reason but maybe you were meant to go there.” 

Dan needed people like Jamie in his life. When it came to Dan’s worldview it was very small, and he needed people to think that there was more to life than what they were given in the moment. It didn’t mean that Dan believed in it, but it was nice to know that at least one person in his life thought that there was more to this than just…. This.

“I’m too tired to argue about that, but…. I think so.” Dan took another swig of the bottle. He had enough alcohol for now, it’d hit him all at once and he was already feeling really light. 

“If you ever want me to go with you, I will.” Jamie offered. 

Dan had acknowledged it by reaching over to squeeze his hand. His heart felt a little lighter tonight for the first time in a long time. 

**xiii.**

The next time Dan visits Safe Haven it’s at night again, he finds it easier this way, he’s scared that he’ll run into someone who may know him, but he thinks that he really needs to get a grip, he wasn’t that big of a deal anymore. Val is there because she’s always there, this time they’re passing out bowls of soup. He smiles at the people crowded by the cart again. 

“Hi, Dan!” she waves to him. 

“Hey,” He smiles to her and nods his head to the music that’s been played. 

“So I should introduce you to some of the gang here, this is Nev, Thalia, and Jas, and our new friends Kaden and Jordan.” Val points to them when she says their name, they don’t shake hands but he does an awkward little wave to them. They go back into their little groups, talking to each other and laughing about something online that was funny to them. 

Dan stands closer to Val and tries to relax. “So is this a normal night for you?” He questions, nodding towards the cart and the boombox. 

“Yeah, pretty much. We start prepping the meals around four pm, we try and start serving around seven or eight, just depends on who we got volunteering. We work with Islington’s farmers market -- but not just them, we also got Maryleborne’s too and of course donations so it’s pretty solid most nights, we try and make meal plans in advance but we never know what we’re going to get.” Someone walks up towards the cart and Val addresses them by name. 

A lot of the people that are here look different and all familiar at the same time, faces of those who have been hurt or neglected, faces of those who have been ignored or not treated right, it broke Dan’s heart. 

Val walks over to give the man a hug, he seems young, and from what Dan could faintly see in the dark he has a bruised eye. Dan jumps in to grab the ladle and pours the soup into the bowl and waits until she’s finished talking to him to hand it to him. Val smiles at Dan and introduces the two of them. 

“This is Sam,” Dan shakes his hand, and Sam thanks him for pouring him the soup. 

“Where are you tonight?” Val asks Sam looking quite concerned -- the boy seems out of it. 

“Hostel tonight,” Sam’s voice cracks. 

“Right. Come by tomorrow morning?” Val places a hand on his shoulder gently and Dan can’t help but watch the interaction. The boy flinches, but nods his head. 

Sam walks away and Dan looks at Val again. 

“So what made you come back? I didn’t scared you off?” It had been almost two weeks since the last time that Dan had visited, he had to think about it, and Jamie and Micah had broken it off. Jamie went out clubbing a lot of the time and called for Dan to meet him somewhere because he had forgotten how to get home, really, Dan thinks, he just wanted someone there. 

“Personal conviction? I -- I don’t know, I just want to feel like I belong somewhere.” Dan watched as the young adults started dancing to the music, twirling each other around in circles. They laughed like they hadn’t gone through any kind of pain that this world had to offer, he could hear the joy in their voices, and maybe Dan’s grandmum was right the whole time, maybe people really did need other people. Dan had always prided himself on just needed himself -- because isn’t it how it’d end anyway? 

“Come by tomorrow, we can talk more about it if you want. But since you’re here now, you can help with the soup.” She nodded towards a few people who were walking up to the cart, he had nodded, grabbing another bowl. 

*

Dan gets up early enough to go to the bakery to get something for Jamie before he heads off to rehearsals, he leaves it on the breakfast bar with a note that says ‘ _for all the times you were there for me_ ’. And then he’s off. He’s gotten so used to his route to Safe Haven he’s glad that he doesn’t have to think about it; he feels better knowing that there’s some kind of routine that’s slowly evolving. He thinks of Kenzie often and wonders where he’s gone and if he’ll ever come back to Safe Haven, he had many things he wanted to ask him but to also thank him for opening this door for him. It was a step out of the closet that he had trapped and barricaded himself in, he wasn’t there yet, but he opened the door for him to breathe. 

When he walks in the center there’s people on the couches playing on their phones, Lia waves to Dan probably hearing all about him but he’s only ever seen that one time. Val comes out from what he thinks is her office and she places a hand on his shoulder, nodding towards the room she had just come out of. He’s still a little nervous, but he no longer feels like a chihuahua that was left out in the cold alone. Her office reminds him of what a therapy office might look like- not that he’s ever been to one but from what he’s seen on the telly; there’s a couch, and a comfortable chair, she has a computer and swivel chair with a bookcase full of LGBT+ related things and pictures scattered across the room, it’s of the same children, he assumes it must be her children or some family member. 

He sits down on the couch admiring the painting that he noticed, it’s a yellow bird. He doesn’t understand the importance of it, but it must mean something to her. 

She watches him with her gentle blue eyes, and he takes a deep breath. Was he supposed to talk first? Probably. 

“I’m nervous.” He admitted, if it wasn’t obvious by his leg jiggling. 

“No need to be nervous.” She bends down to grab something, and he notices that she has a mini fridge by her feet, she hands him a water bottle and he’s thankful to have it to hold onto. 

“I’m…. I’m queer.” He started off confident, but by the time he said queer his voice had gone quiet. 

She smiles and nods, “So am I.” 

It shouldn’t surprise him -- but it does. 

“Are you in the closet by any chance?” He knows she’s asking so she could understand where he’s coming from better but he feels like that opened door had been closed again, and he’s shoving himself more and more in the dark. 

He thinks of Phil and he doesn’t even realize he’s holding his breath until he feels like he’s about to pass out. 

“See, that’s-- that’s complicated.” he laughs nervously and drinks from the bottle. 

She doesn’t press him, but she waits. 

“I don’t know where to start.” Dan ran a hand through his hair nervously, and he understood what he was feeling now. It was like his dreams; he felt like he was standing on the ledge again, overlooking the body of water that could swallow him up whole. This time, he voluntarily jumped off, plunging into the deep, while he was scared of what would come, he was ready. 

“Start where you’re comfortable.” 

* 

So, he told her. He told her about how when he was four years old he knew that there was something about him that was different from other boys, he told her about the time that he wanted to kiss Oliver, and then the time at church when he called him gay, he told him about how he questioned his sexuality when he started dating Erin and how much he had truly loved her, and then he talked about the night of the party, and he stopped when he thought about Phil. She didn’t push it out of him, it had just taken him a while for him to get the courage to tell her that, once upon a time he used to have something special with a guy, and how there were rumours surrounding them, and then he talked about the video and how hard it was for them and how they split because of it. 

She hadn’t asked questions about it, she understood enough to know that it was hard for Dan, and she didn’t judge him when he started to cry thinking about it. She handed him tissue and told him that it was okay if he didn’t have it all figured out. Sexuality was a spectrum- it was difficult sometimes, there were others like him who had grown up in an environment that wasn’t pleasant to people who were queer. She told him a personal story about herself how she had been married to a man for ten years and then she met a woman who she fell in love with and that was the beginning of her story. 

“My husband and I had two kids together, and they all took it really hard. You know I really hated myself for doing that to my family, but I was… tired of holding myself back. I went through a lot of internalised homophobia. I was so hateful towards myself and I ran away to Scotland, did a lot of odd jobs there but I eventually found my way back home. I didn’t end up with the girl I had fallen in love with, she had already moved on, but… I got my kids back, my ex husband still hasn’t really come around but we’re civil with each other for our kids….” She paused her story, grabbing her wallet and showing Dan a picture of her and another woman. 

“That’s my partner. She works here, too. She introduced me to this place.” She hands it to him and he looks at the picture, smiling. He’s kind of crying again and he apologizes, handing it back to her. 

“Don’t apologize. Crying is good, it’s healthy!” She has such a nice smile, he kind of feels like she’s the second mum he didn’t know that he needed. 

“I’m sorry that you and Phil never got the closure you needed.” 

“Me too.” Dan wipes his face again with his sleeve. 

She thinks for a moment before grabbing a form from a folder, “I think you’d be good here. If you ever want to feel more involved here, you can fill out this form and maybe be a mentor for someone else who could be feeling the same way. There’s of course training that you’d have to go through- but if you want, I’d think you’d fit in well here.” She hands him a couple pages worth of information and he just briefly skims through it. “Just something to think about.” 

He puts the form in his backpack and he takes a deep breath. 

“They’re about to play a game of apples to apples in the game room, you should join, get to know some of the people, you’d be amazed at some of their stories.” It was like she was reading his mind -- he didn’t want to leave now that he was here. He had gotten up from the couch and she did too and he had felt the need to hug her, so he did. 

“Thank you.” He said as he walked out the door. 

*

He found himself in the game room, there were only six people in there at the moment, he had recognized some of them from before and they all welcomed him and surprisingly they remembered his name. He had gone around the table trying to guess what name went to who and for the most part he got them right, but they laughed at his failure of Thalia and Jas and mixed the two up. He buried his face in his hands and shook his head, his face had gone red. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m awful.” he chuckled but they didn’t seem to mind. 

As they played Apples to Apples he was slowly getting to know them. 

Nev had come from a big family, who was extremely religious, he hadn’t meant to come out, but his mother had snooped through his stuff to find his journal where he talked about boys, and Nev knew he could lie and come up with an excuse, but he didn’t, and his family had shunned him, and he didn’t know what to do until he found this place. He’s been here for almost a year now and he was turning twenty soon. They were going to throw him a party here when the time came. He hasn’t been in contact with his family since he left, and he misses them but knows that it wasn’t good for him to be there. 

Thalia lives with her aunt and she’s in the closet, she had gone through a bit of an identity crisis when her mum had passed away, her dad had left when she was a kid and she hadn’t heard from him since. She has a feeling that her aunt would be okay with it if she ever did come out but she’s still figuring out who she was. She sees Val a lot, and says that she’s the mum that she wished she still had. 

Jas had identified as non-binary, they came from France and migrated over with their family and was having a hard time fitting in with people at their school, someone had recommended this place to them and they’ve been here for a few months now, and found it fitting, “ _a literal Safe Haven,_ ” they had talked about how hard it was for people to take them seriously whenever they corrected someone with their pronouns, but for the first time in a long time they were happy to be involved in such a kind community that was slowly growing. Dan had felt proud for them. 

Kaden and Jordan were twins, they had been each other’s family for so long and experienced a lot of pain from their father. Kaden was more quiet than Jordan- he said he could talk people’s ears off and everyone agreed. They were a good balance. Kaden liked poetry and Jordan liked to paint and rugby. They both helped in the kitchen and had the same mentor. They had been kicked out for a year now but were better off. They liked it here. 

Sam was the last to talk, but he was also the quietest. He was new, only been here for a couple of weeks and he was going through a hard time. Dan had felt drawn to him since the night of the soup. He didn’t say much, he just said he was glad that he was done with the people that he was associated with. Dan could respect that. He understood what it meant to hold a secret that was valuable to you but could also destroy you. 

Dan had told the rest of them about Kenzie, and how he really wasn’t sure where he was going with his life, and that he didn’t feel comfortable in himself a lot of the time but he was trying to be. They didn’t ask for more information, they just accepted it while they kicked his ass at Apples to Apples. 

Three rounds later, it was getting time for Kaden and Jordan to head to the kitchen, so they stopped. 

“You’re coming back, right?” Nev had asked, catching Dan on the way out. 

With full confidence, Dan nodded his head, “Yeah, I’ll be back.” 

**xiv.**

**AUGUST.**

Dan and Jamie start to get a rhythm with their life, it’s not as chaotic as it was, and Dan couldn’t be more thankful about it. For a while he felt like he was in some sort of limbo but now that he had a purpose for something life seemed not as difficult as it was when summer had started. Dan goes to the centre every day, it’s a long commute and he’s seriously thinking about moving somewhere closer but he won’t make any plans until their lease is up. He’s not trying to force anything, he doesn’t know where he’ll be in the upcoming months, he’s just trying his best to live in now, even though he hated thinking like that- it was very unlike him but he wouldn’t lie when he thought of how Val had such a big impact on his life, and everyone that he had met through her. 

He’s passing out food tonight with Nev and Thalia, Val is supervising like she always does but let’s them have the reins and take control. The food of the day is chip butty with a coke. The corner store had donated the cokes and Val was ecstatic about it. Dan was slowly getting into the swing of things, he hadn’t filled out the forms yet or gone through the training, he was still a little unsure of it all- he didn’t feel qualified enough to do it, but he was getting there. He talked to Jamie and Val a lot but that didn’t mean he completely forgave himself or still had those negative feelings that he internalised. 

Sam had been missing for a while, it worried Val, and Dan wouldn’t lie- he was worried too. He didn’t know a lot about Sam but he felt protective over him. The last they had seen Sam was about a month ago, he had come to get food but didn’t stay to talk because he had ran. Dan kept an eye out for him every time he passed out food. The crowd was getting bigger, there were new people coming in and out of Safe Haven that Dan introduced himself too, it was a big family that was a little inconsistent but not in a bad way- he liked to assume that the reason people stopped coming was because they found somewhere that was safe with someone who loved them. 

“Would you like a chip butty?” Dan had asked a girl who looked to be about fifteen, it was cold and she didn’t seem to be wearing weather appropriate clothes. Val had looked Thalia and he was trying decode what the look meant. 

“What’s your name?” Val had asked the girl softly. 

“Naomi.” She had her eyes peeled to the ground and Thalia had come back with what looked like a pair of clothes. 

“Hi, wasn’t sure what your size was but I think these should fit ya fine if you need ‘em.” Thalia had offered her the clothes which Naomi had taken with shaky hands. 

“Do you need somewhere to stay tonight?” Val had asked, she had her phone out ready to make a call if she said yes. 

The girl looked like she didn’t know how to answer, Dan had looked away, feeling like he was contributing to her being nervous and counted how many butties they had in the cooler and if he needed to grab more from the other cooler. 

“Yes.” he heard her say and he briefly looked to Val who was dialing a number. 

“You’ll get to meet her partner,” Nev spoke quietl, changing the song on the boombox. 

“What’s her partner’s name? I never asked.”

“Willa.” Nev smiled, opening a can of coke. 

“Do you want another butty?” Val had asked again, holding her hand out for Dan to pass her one. 

Dan had already known before -- but Val was like a mind reader, she always knew what someone had to say but he also knew that it came from experience, she had been here a long time. 

*

It was about twenty minutes when her partner had arrived by taxi. She was as beautiful as Val, but with dark long and wavy hair; Dan was entranced by her. Though he wouldn’t lie he was more entranced by the dynamic between Val and Willa. Val looked at Willa with admiration as she talked to the younger girl. 

“She’s a social worker,” Thalia had filled Dan in as he tried to understand the conversation, but it was a lot that he didn’t know. Still, he was impressed more and more by Safe Haven and that they really were what they strived to be. It was why he didn’t see Willa at all, she had another job aside from this and what he was getting at was this organization was a team effort between Val and Willa and he liked that. It made him ache, but he’d never admit it. 

“By the way, this is Dan,” Val had turned to Dan now who was spaced out for a minute there. 

“Dan! Lovely to meet you, so glad you found us,” Willa had pulled him in for a hug, and Dan wasn’t expecting it, but he was finding it a bit easier to be affectionate, and take what people had wanted to give him, and he loved hugs. 

“Unfortunately, I got to go, but hopefully I’ll see you around more,” She waved to the rest of the crew and led the girl to the taxi. 

After a while, things had started to die down, and Dan helped Val take the cart back across the street and to the kitchen. Nev and Thalia were taking care of the other equipment and still stood out there for a bit just in case anyone else was going to come by. 

“Thank you for helping out tonight,” Val tells him this every time he comes out to pass out food, but it’s still nice to hear. 

“Well, it’s either this or playing Halo and waiting for my roommate to come home.” He laughs, feeling how tired he actually was, it was past two in the morning and he wanted to sleep. His heart felt a little heavy tonight. He kind of just wanted to go home and cry. 

“Did it hurt? Seeing me and Willa?” She was a mindreader. Dan would have laughed if he wasn’t so caught off guard. 

“Fuck.” He laughed uncomfortably, giving her the last of the butties to put in the fridge and got to work on putting the cokes in there too. “Yeah.” 

“You had a good dynamic with him?” She was guessing, but she was correct with her assumption. Dan didn’t have to reply for her to know. 

“It’s been so long since I’ve heard his voice I feel like I’m forgetting it,” Dan admitted, he didn’t want to cry but he felt it coming. He looked at the cokes for too long and he heard Nev and Thalia come in and they looked between the two before they both ran to hold Dan. They didn’t understand what was happening but they still cared for Dan anyway and it felt so goddamn good to be cared for in such a selfless way. 

Val had taken a photo, he only knew because her sound was on and it made all of them laugh. The night didn’t end like he expected, but he was finding that to be okay. 

**xv.**

**DECEMBER.**

It takes Dan until the end of August to fill the application out and become a mentor. He works with Val a lot as she became his mentor from the very beginning. There’s a picture of the two of them hanging on the wall, she says that he’s a success story even if he was still working there -- she knew. Next to the picture of the two of them there’s the one she took that night with Thalia and Nev. The crew has changed since June -- Kaden and Jordan had gone to the Manchester location, Jas is in and out but has a job now that takes up a lot of their time but they’re happy and pop in when they can for a round of Apples to Apples and sometimes Cards Against Humanity. 

When Dan isn’t working at Safe Haven he’s hanging out with Jamie who’s had back to back shows -- Dan had taken the crew with him opening night, and he was just glad that they all got to meet each other. Jamie dates a lot, and he thinks he’s pretty serious about a boy, but Jamie had a big heart, it wasn’t surprising that he found someone who thought he was pretty rad. 

December was always a big month for Jamie, he liked having parties and he liked decorating the flat. There was something reminiscent about it. Jamie had made Dan decorate his dark cave of a room and he wouldn’t let Jamie know that he secretly liked having Christmas decorations up in his room. Sometimes Nev and Thalia had come over, he invited the people he worked with to come for dinner sometimes but their flat was too small for the group and they ended up just going to some of the LGBT clubs instead. 

Sometimes Dan think that he made up Kenzie and Sam. Everyone wondered about them but they were like this magical creature that was here for a while and then disappeared. 

Dan had come in a bit late, but he found himself walking in on Val talking to someone seriously by the look of her face -- he didn’t see that often. She was worried. He had placed his bag on the hook and was going to grab a cup of coffee, he had some posters to print out that they were going to hang up in stores that allowed it. When he went to peek at the person that Val was talking to he realized that it was Sam. His heart had jumped a little, he was stunned to see him. 

He didn’t look like the boy he had met six months ago, a lot had changed. He was thinner, very sickly pale, his clothes looked ginormous on him and they were dirty and Dan could have sworn there was dried blood on them, he had a black eye again. Dan had thought quick before realizing that they had clothes that were given as donation. He went to the backroom to look for some stuff for Sam to wear. 

When he came back he waited until Val was done talking to him, she seemed please when Dan had thought ahead. 

“If you want to change out of those clothes, I have these for you.” He handed them over to Sam who took them and nodded his head. He had turned to the bathroom and Dan looked at Val. 

“I’m going to make some tea,” Val sighed, “You should talk to him.” 

Dan didn’t want to make it look like he was waiting for Sam to come out from changing, but he also didn’t want to miss him in case he left again. So he sat on one of the couches and played on his phone, he had gotten a text from Jamie saying that he was probably going out later tonight and for Dan to be safe coming home. He replied back with the thumbs up in response. 

Not that he was counting (he was), it took Sam thirty minutes, and when he walked out he had his clothes wadded up and Dan tried not to get up too fast, scared of scaring _him_ off. 

“Hey, I can take those for you.” He offered, holding out his hand to take them. Sam had looked down and then slowly gave them to him. 

“It might be a bit late, and they’re probably working on dinner to pass out tonight but I can try and get you a butty from a day ago?” Dan suggested, Sam looked like he was somewhere else. 

“Okay.” Sam’s voice was quiet, and much deeper than when he last saw him. 

It made Dan sad to think of what things he must have seen within that time period. 

“Be right back,” He smiled towards the boy and walked towards the back door and outside to throw the clothes away. He was trying to think of what to say -- he felt like there was nothing he could say that would make Sam feel better, it was one of those times where Dan felt pretty useless, he didn’t know what he could offer him. 

Sam was sitting on the couch now looking through his phone. He looked up when Dan came back in the room and Dan had nodded towards the kitchen. 

He moved like he had been running a marathon and that might have been true, given how worn and tired he looked. Dan opened the door for him and let him in and he found his way to the closest table to sit at. Dan said hi to some of the new kitchen workers and looked around in the fridge for a butty, he was glad that there was a few left, he grabbed two with a coke and a water bottle. He placed them in front of him and sat across, hoping that he wasn’t being overbearing. 

Dan tried not to stare at him but he couldn’t help but notice the bruises across his arms, it was a sea of red, blue and purple, and brown. 

“You can ask.” Sam’s voice was hoarse, he had picked up the butty and chewed it as slow as he talked. 

“It’s none of my business. I just wanted to make sure you got some new clothes and food.” Dan smile was faint, and he felt bad, he didn’t want him to think that’s all he was here for. He internally slapped himself in the face for being so painfully awkward, he swore he was getting better. It was the problem with wearing his heart on his sleeve. 

“Val said you were a mentor in training, right?” 

Dan wished he had something to hold other than his phone, he needed something to fiddle with as a security blanket. “Yeah. Four out of six months in.” He had a big handbook to read, and he had gone through it once but he was in need to read it again, it’s how he learned. There was stuff that he was meant to do around Safe Haven which he was doing, it was lot more volunteer work that he didn’t mind; a lot of hanging up posters, and meetings with the other mentors here, but Val was kind of in charge of everything since it was a small organization, but Dan didn’t mind it. He found his rhythm here- he was better here than with Jamie and his theatre production. And if Dan really succeeded in this he could eventually get paid for it, which wasn’t the main goal, but it’d be nice to have a little bit of income other than the youtube money he was living off that was becoming less and less as each month passed. 

He wouldn’t lie. He missed it sometimes. A lot of times, if he was being honest. 

“She said you’d be a good match for me,” He gestured towards himself up and down, he sighed, opening the can and flinching at the noise it made. 

“I guess we’ll see, yeah?” Dan was freaking out a bit, this would be his first mentee, and there was a lot of pressure, he didn’t want to fuck it up. “Uh, well, if you want, we can probably talk over coffee or something later? I reckon you want to relax for a bit?” 

“I can’t sleep.” He ran a hand through his brown hair and sniffed. “I’ll take some tea though.” 

“Okay.” Dan smiled and got up, “Want to meet me in one of the free rooms?” 

Sam nodded, finishing up his second butty. 

Dan had gone towards the back room, Val was talking to another one of the mentors that was part time here, they both looked up at him with a smile. He tried his best to be quiet, slipping in and out of the room. When he was about to leave he heard, “good luck,” from both of them. 

No pressure. 

Sam was waiting in a meeting room, though it was more of a chill out area if he was being honest -- it had bean bags and a couch in here, sometimes the crew and some of the people that were in and out of the center had come in here and went around the room and said something that they were grateful for. Dan had been shy in the beginning, he never knew what to say, it was normally something stupid like video games, and while he said it to be funny- and most of the time people laughed, he felt incredibly privileged since most of things that people were grateful for were beds to sleep on and food to eat. 

Sam was sprawled out on one of the bean bags and he sat up a bit when Dan came in the room. He left the door open, he figured Val would come in and check on Dan. He hoped she did at least, he felt like he was going to say the wrong thing. 

“Thanks,” Sam said to the tea, he bent down to smell it and Dan could see a faint of a smile. 

Dan bit at his bottom lip as Sam took the first sip. 

“How do you feel now that you ate?” Dan figured this was a good place to start. 

Sam shrugged, his hands had cupped the mug, “Fine, I guess. Been eatin’ a lot of shite lately.” Dan took note that he didn’t make eye contact, though to be fair, Dan still had a hard time with that himself. 

“Well I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?” Dan held his breath, waiting for rejection, he wouldn’t be hurt if Sam just turned him down but he was honestly surprised at the fact that Sam was starting to cry. 

“Sorry, it’s just been a long couple of months,” Sam had composed himself as quick as he started crying. He only let a few tears shed and Dan wanted to hug him but he knew that it would have been weird but he wanted to protect him. 

“It’s okay. I mean, Val told me once that it’s healthy to cry.” Dan offered, he laughed at himself and shook his head, “I mean I cry all the time now. Just- at anything.”

That made Sam smile. Progress. 

“If you want to talk about what’s- what’s going on in your life- you have my full confidentiality.” 

Sam nods. For a long time he doesn’t say anything, they sit in the silence, both listening to the intense game of charades in the game room, Val peeps her head in the room and gives Dan a thumbs up, and he can hear Willa at the front desk asking Lia how she’s doing, and Jas stops by to deliver some donuts from the bakery that they work at, they get a lot of freebies when they close, there’s mentoring in the room over he can hear it through the walls but not exactly what they’re saying just that it’s happening. 

Sam looks deep in thought and Dan wonders what he’s thinking about, and how hard it must be to trust someone, especially a stranger like Dan. It took him a long time to open up to people, especially when it came to things like sexuality and home life, it wasn’t easy, especially if you’ve been burned by a lot of people. It doesn’t stop him from thinking of Phil and what he’d think of this and how much better he’d probably be at talking to these people because he had a big heart -- but then he remembered- he did too. Dan wasn’t good at a lot of things but he liked to think that he was a warm hearted person, he knew that in the past he wasn’t always so nice and welcoming, but this year was almost coming full circle and he had a lot of life lessons to prove it. 

“I wasn’t abused as a child. Actually- I was adopted. My entire life I’ve been told that I should be grateful that someone wanted to me so bad that they adopted me- when really, all I could think of is how my mum didn’t want me and it kind of…. Threw me into a tailspin.” He tugs on his hair again, it’s a trait that Dan is noticing about him and he mentally jogs that down. 

“I was fine throughout primary school, fine throughout college, for the most part. Figured out that I liked boys and shit went downhill from there,” He tugged again, flinching that time. “Long story short I met a guy who I thought was going to be my whole world and it turns out he was trying to destroy it. I tried to leave him once, that’s when I first came here, he didn’t like that and you know--” he demonstrated it with his hands, wrapping it around himself, and then his eyes; he was very expressive. “This is my second and hopefully final attempt at getting away from him.” He sniffled, wiping the tears away. 

“I don’t know- I have a hard time coming to terms with my sexuality, I ran away from my adopted parents when I turned eighteen because I knew they wouldn’t approve of this lifestyle, but then again I wouldn’t know because I haven’t told them, and I sometimes blame myself for being Not Straight. It would have made life so much easier.” 

Dan admired the way mentors held themselves together, because Dan wanted to cry. His heart went out for the guy. He could relate in a way- he often thought his life would have been so much easier if he had just…. Been straight, or at least denied himself what he truly felt. When he thought about it, it would have been easier to get married to a woman, have two kids, a crap house maybe, but it wouldn’t matter because they loved each other, maybe a dog, and it seemed ideal. Dan just couldn’t see himself having that- as much as some people may have wanted that for him he couldn’t be that person. 

“I think you’re really brave, and you’ve been through a lot, I know it must be hard having to carry this weight with you, and if you want, there’s a couple of classes you can attend that can maybe help you learn more about your own sexuality, I can even join you if you want. I don’t know if it would interest you but there’s also anti-violence resources,” Dan didn’t know if he was doing this right, he didn’t know if he was saying the right things or if he was just scaring him more. 

“But to be honest with you -- I still struggle with my sexuality. I also thought that it would be easier if I was straight. I got called gay my entire school career…. And when I used to--” Dan stops himself, before shaking his head, pushing through it, “When I used to do stuff online, I got called a faggot, and I hated it. Fuck, it made me so mad that I just lashed out, and reminded everyone that, _FYI I like vagina_ , and you know -- I’m sure people saw through that, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to hurt the ones who hurt me.” 

Dan had recently heard of the term internalized homophobia, he didn’t even realize that he dealt with it until Val talked about it, and Nev chimed in on it. It had made a lot of sense, how he acted, how he carried himself, it was a big relief knowing that he could work on it, that there was room for improvement and he wasn’t a complete hopeless cause. He wanted to give Sam that same hope. 

Sam was quiet for a while, and then he wiped his eyes and nodded his head, “Will you go with me? To get tested?” 

“Yeah, of course I will.” Dan had reached out slowly to Sam, grabbing his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “When you’re ready we can go.” 

**xvi.**

When Christmas time comes there’s a spike of people in and out of Safe Haven. They cook a lot more meals and Dan learns how to make Mince Pie with Sam. Jamie’s play ends and Dan goes to the last showing and gives him flowers, they both work at Safe Haven the week before Christmas. It’s nice having Jamie part of the team, if only for a little while. He thinks that they’re getting closer as friends, and his new boyfriend comes along some days. There’s a general improvement in Dan’s attitude despite Christmas time being a bit depressing. He tries not to think too much about it. 

Sam does get tested, and he has a place to stay for a while until he can both feet on the ground. He comes by Safe Haven a lot and helps pass out food some nights with Dan, Thalia, and Nev. They talk a lot about video games they like, and food they can agree on. Sam is a picky eater apparently, and that his birthday is in May. He’ll be turning nineteen and all he wants is to be able to have his own place to call his own. He’s thinking about getting in touch with his parents and Dan promises to make sure that it happens, they just have to do some digging. Life continued to move on even if there were still some things that Dan had trouble coping with. 

He always knew that December would be a hard month, he thinks back to the times in the abandoned hospital, where Phil wrote that he loved him in the snow. Dan writes his own name with a heart, and he still wears his black denim jacket with the rainbow pin as a reminder that it happened. He’s more comfortable using the term Queer, and Val says that it’s a process that he’ll be learning the rest of his life but it gets easier. It turns out that Willa and Val are adopting a child soon, they find out in January and Dan tries not to cry but he does. 

“I finally figured out what you remind me of,” Dan says the last night before he leaves back home to Sam. 

“What?” Sam looks up, the scars and bruises around his face are healing, as well as the one’s on his arm, it was a nice reminder that amidst pain, things can still learn to heal in due time. 

“You remind me of a canary bird,” Dan goes on to explain about the coal miners, he had once felt like he could relate to it, how it was by chance if some canary birds made it out alive -- they were the lucky ones. It was all up to chance and sometimes that’s what it felt like being in the LGBT community, that eager awaiting for the bird to come back alive, healthy, and okay. Those times when Sam had gone away for a while, they waited, and when he came back- Sam reminded Dan of that. 

*

It’s three in the morning when they finish up, the crew says goodbye to Dan and Jamie knowing that they won’t be around until after Christmas and maybe New Year’s, they’re not sure of their plans yet but they’d be in touch. Dan and Jamie fall asleep on each other in the bus. They almost forget their stop before Dan shakes Jamie awake and rings the bell. Jamie shuffles to his bedroom and Dan does the same but now that he’s awake he’s having a hard time falling asleep, it may be the coffee he consumed but he finds himself staring at his ceiling and then grabbing his laptop. 

Val had said a long time ago about closure, and how he never got it. He knows that he’s not doing any good watching old videos but that’s where he finds himself. 

He types in _phil is not on fire_ and he braces himself as he clicks on the video. 

When the two minute mark hits and Phil is leaning into Dan, he stops the video and exits out of Youtube. He can’t. It hurt too much he couldn’t do it. He sighs, typing in twitter. He logs in using Jamie’s account, he couldn’t risk being on his. When he types in Dan Howell in the search he doesn’t know what he’ll find. 

_I kind of miss @ **danisnotonfire**?? Like i’m sure he (and phil) had good reasons to leave but also ): i miss them_

_when will @ **danisnotonfire** return from war_

_@ **danisnotonfire** come back fucker_

He scrolls through his indirects for a while, he starts to feel nauseas seeing what people had to say. It was a mix of anger but also hurt. It had been a long time since he had done anything, he was off the radar for so long he knew that if he were to come back it could be ugly. He closes his laptop for now. That’s enough of the past. 

* 

Jamie’s mum picks them up the next afternoon. Dan doesn’t do much when he gets home, he finds himself sleeping the afternoon away. They didn’t have plans until tomorrow since it was Christmas Eve. Another year, another Christmas. It was the same as it was last year, except everything had changed and yet nothing at all. 

Adrian was getting taller and older, they still fought over who sat next to grandmum at dinner, and who had to clean the dishes after. Their aunt and uncle came over and got drunk with their parents and Dan and Adrian both had been put on water duty. Dan was thankful that aspects of his life never seemed to change but he felt like a changed person and he thinks that they know already. His relationship with his mum had improved since he told her what happened with Phil. He doesn’t say much about that, but she doesn’t ask anymore. 

Dan and Jamie meet up after Christmas and discuss what they’re going to do for New Year’s -- if they’re going to stay here or not, but there’s not that much to do and Dan doesn’t think he can handle another New Year’s Eve crying in his backyard again. So they book their tickets that day to go back to their apartment. Jamie wants to see his boyfriend anyway. 

Dan thinks a lot about the word closure when he’s sitting alone in his room while Jamie and his boyfriend are on the couch playing video games with each other. He gulps when he gets his computer out again but this time, he puts pj pants on and a t-shirt to join the two out there. 

“Hey, hey,” Jamie calls, his arms are wrapped around his boyfriend, Mikey. 

“Nice to see you again,” Mikey smiles up at Dan. 

“You too. But listen, make room for me, I just need to grab one thing.” Dan sets his computer down on Jamie’s lap and then grabs the same bottle of Smirnoff that they didn’t finish from a long time ago, and he unscrews the cap, sitting in between the two of them. 

“I need to do something.” Dan logs onto Jamie’s twitter, and it makes Mikey laugh, but he doesn’t understand what’s really going on. 

“Oh shit.” Jamie says realizing what Dan is doing, when the page loads Dan takes a swig of the alcohol and he reaches out for Jamie’s hand to hold. 

“Fuck.” Dan says, when the page loads. 

_Fuck._

**xvii.**

Dan didn’t know what he expected to find. Nothing had changed. The last tweet was something Christmas related. They were nearing 2014 and it felt like an eternity ago. Jamie had squeezed Dan’s hand but he didn’t know what to say and to be honest -- neither did Dan. He closed out of the website and shut his computer off but he drank more of the Smirnoff. 

“I’m going to bed.” Dan patted both of their knees, getting up and putting the bottle back in the fridge and took him and his computer back in his cave. He fell asleep fairly quickly. He had things to do tomorrow. Instead of celebrating New Year’s Eve somewhere he figured he’d pass food out at Safe Haven. He missed everyone there anyway. 

Sam was the first one to greet him with a hug, followed by Val, Nev and Thalia. He was told that some of the others might pop by to pass out food but New Year’s Eve was a fun day for people to go out to the clubs and celebrate with each other, they were expecting a light crew. The amount of people that had come to get something to eat was plenty, they seemed to be busy all night with the boombox turned on, Val checked the time and they were close to midnight. 

Willa had come by with crackers for all of them to do together and Jamie and his boyfriend had brought champagne and apple cider. There were people coming out from their apartments and near Safe Haven just because a crowd had gathered for the food, but today was a day to celebrate all together. 

“Five minutes!” Val had called out to the crowd of people and they had passed out the champagne and apple cider in small little cups for everyone to raise when the time came. Val had a little speech to give, she thanked everyone for coming out, saying that this was one of the best years that they had yet with new people joining their team, looking at Dan briefly, and then thanked her partner for being with her every step of the way during this year while they waited for the news about their adoption. There was many things to be thankful for, and she hoped that this upcoming new year would be as good as the last, if not better. 

Dan had felt emotional when they started to countdown. _Five, four, three, two, one!_

_Happy New Year!_

_Welcome 2014!_

The radio had played Auld Lang Syne live from the London Eye and you can hear Big Ben chime, and when you looked up you saw the fireworks cascade across the skye. 

Dan wondered if Phil was looking up at them too. 

“Do you mind if I go home?” Dan had looked at Val who seemed to understand what Dan was thinking before he even said a word. 

“Safe travels, Dan. Happy New Year.” she hugged him tight, and then she let him go. 

Dan told Jamie and Mikey he’d see them back at the apartment and said goodbye to the others. He’d see them later, he just needed alone time right now. 

*

The bus ride home he stares out the window, he’s gotten so used to passing through their old neighbourhood it doesn’t faze him as much anymore when he sees their old apartment. The lights are on, and there are people in it, he hopes that they enjoy the apartment as much as Dan and Phil had. Most of London is out tonight, carrying their bottles of champagne and wine and being merry. It’s a fun day, with new beginnings, and Dan was a different person- he didn’t recognize himself anymore but there were things in his life that he was missing. 

After seeing all those twitter indirects, he wanted to film again. He wanted to interact with the people that had given him everything. Above all -- he wanted Phil. But of course that’s what he always wanted, it’s just the feelings were stronger during the holidays; he missed the sense of belonging to someone. 

The reality was this: he missed his best friend. 

Seeing Jamie and Mikey getting to know each other in the way that Dan and Phil knew each other was painful but bittersweet to watch. Mikey wasn’t afraid to move in with Jamie and he saw them looking at apartments together online when they thought that Dan wasn’t looking, though it wasn’t a betrayal feeling that Dan felt, they had been talking about it for a while now and maybe it was time now that Dan was making a little bit of money from Safe Haven with being a mentor in training. 

He rings the bell, a little bit away from his normal stop but he could use the walk, he felt so heated and wanted to feel the cold air against his face. He had gotten his phone out and went to the twitter app that he had downloaded again after years of not having it. He was still on Jamie’s account and he just had to type ‘A’ into the search bar before his history of typing AmazingPhil had come up, he tapped on it, and was directed to his page and something had changed on Phil’s account. 

There was a new profile picture, and then a link. 

There were thousands of retweets and favourites. 

_A Year In The Life With My Mom - Documentary Trailer._

Dan could have passed out right then and there.


	5. Chapter 5

**i.**

“I mean, you have to watch it,” Jamie and Mikey had come as soon as Dan called. 

Dan was pacing back and forth in the flat, they had Dan’s computer sitting on the coffee table with Phil’s twitter account open. 

“No, I don’t. I can pretend I didn’t see it.” Dan was hysterical right now, he wasn’t crying, but he laughed nervously, running a hand through his now curly hair because of how much he was sweating. 

“I think you should watch it.” Jamie was about to press play when Dan tackled him.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Dan had held Jamie’s arms and Mikey was the one that had played the trailer. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Dan had was speaking so fast and so loud Jamie had wrapped both arms around Dan from behind him and held him still as they both watched the youtube video that already had half a million views. 

The scene starts with Phil’s mum getting out of the car, and then with Phil asking, _“How was physical therapy mum?”_

 _“Oh, it was good!”_ And then the scene switches to a song that Dan doesn’t recognize, there’s various clips going backwards, Dan is beginning to understand the title now when it stops at New Year’s Eve party at Phil’s house. 

_“Well it started out as…. Nothing. I just had been hoarding all of these clips of my family since I first got a camera, I never knew what I was going to do with the footage when I was filming these small and intimate details with my family. I had just thought that it’d be this fun project; I had just gotten my heart broken and wanted something to work on while I figured out my next step and then my mum got sick.”_ Dan watches as Phil’s face flickers to a brief moment of pain and then he continues, _“She had a stroke, I had just moved back home from London. So this is our story.”_

The trailer was small, music was the main factor of the video and it ended with where it would be showing which was _one night only_ at a film festival in London. 

When it disappeared there was still a minute left and Dan gulped. 

“Hey guys! Wow. I am nervous. It’s been so long since I’ve been on this thing.... I know that you may have a lot of questions -- and I would love to answer them, because I’m sure a lot of it has to do with where I’ve been and why I left. As you can see from the trailer I am premiering my documentary with my mum at the London independent film festival, there’s a few tickets left and I’ll be doing Q&A at the end of it, and I’d love to see you guys if it’s something you think you’d be interested in. I’m sorry that I’ve been gone for so long, but I’m back now, and thinking of doing a liveshow or filming another video answering your questions sometime next week if you’re up for it. So, let me know in the comments below. I know this is abrupt, and again, I’m sorry for being gone for so long. Goodbye!” 

Dan had been holding his breath for so long that when he let it out he was extremely light headed. 

“I need to lay down.” Dan had Jamie led him to the couch, sitting down so he could lay his head in Jamie’s lap, and Dan’s feet in Mikey’s lap. They were petting him like a dog and Dan could feel his heart going a million miles an hour. 

“What the fuck.” He kept on saying, and then, “Do I go? Fuck. He hates me.” _He hates me, he definitely, definitely, hates me._

“Also, his mum?” He was just talking, Jamie and Mikey had let him. All he could think about was the fact that Phil’s mum had a stroke and he didn’t tell him. Then again Dan had thought he probably didn’t want to tell him because it wasn’t his business to know. _She was better though,_ he thought again, but he still felt so fucking guilty he didn’t know what to do with himself. 

“Oh, God,” He started to cry a little, tears rolling down his cheeks as he gripped on to Jamie’s hand. 

“Okay, okay, _ow_ , careful, please,” Jamie said softly with a chuckle, smoothing out Dan’s curly hair. 

“I need to talk to Val. Get her opinion. It’s not a good idea is it? Tickets are probably sold out.” Mikey had grabbed the computer and went to the link that it sent him to and had grabbed his wallet from his pocket and typed his information quickly and then closed the laptop. 

“Well, you’re going now.” Dan had looked at Mikey wide-eyed and then back at Jamie who was smiling at Mikey. 

“But I would talk to Val.” Jamie added, still petting his hair as Dan was now shaking from what he couldn’t tell was excitement or anxiety, but probably a mix of both. 

Jamie and Mikey had held him on the couch until he inevitably passed out from all the adrenaline the past thirty minutes had built up. 

*

The next morning Dan gotten in earlier than normal to Safe Haven, Nev and Thalia were eating breakfast in the kitchen. “Where’s Val?” Dan asked a bit more frantic than he planned. 

“She’s coming in soon. Lia had opened up.” Nev had placed his head back on the table and closed his eyes. “You missed out on a lot of fun last night,” He mumbled. 

“Sorry. Rain check?” He rose an eyebrow and Thalia hadn’t said anything but gave him a thumbs up, she needed at least two cups of coffee before she interacted with anyone. 

“See you guys in a bit.” He went back to the front and then to Val’s office where he sat on her couch and held one of her pillows to his chest. It was reminiscent back to his first few days here, on her couch, looking for the guidance that he didn’t know he needed. He didn’t know what to think. He wasn’t sure what to do, if he should even go, or if it would cause unnecessary drama. He had been on edge and was honestly surprised that he even slept. 

He knew that he had things he needed to do today with Sam, but he couldn’t even concentrate on that or anything other than the clips that Phil used for the trailer. He had watched it again this morning. He still looked the same but also different.

“Fucking hell,” He whispered, he was sweating again. 

When the door opened Val had walked in surprised. 

“Oh, hello, didn’t expect you for a couple more hours.” she smiled at Dan before noticing that something was off. “Oh God, what happened?” 

Dan shook his head, “No, I’m fine. I’m okay, Jamie is okay. Family is okay. Just--” he had gotten up and grabbed his phone and went to his history and played the video for her. 

Even Val was shocked, Dan had the whole thing memorized at this point for only seeing it twice, but he paused the last time, giving himself time to prepare. “He has very lovely eyes,” She mentioned with a smile, and when the trailer ended and Phil started to speak she looked up at Dan who was wringing his hands. 

“I see.” She mused, stopping the video and giving it back to Dan. “Are you going?” 

Dan held his hands out and shrugged, “I don’t know. I wanted to ask you if it’d be a good idea. Mikey bought a ticket for me but…. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’d just cause drama or something. I’m not sure what I should do.” he started to pace again in the small area that he could. 

“Okay, okay, Dan, just sit down, first of all.” He nodded, he needed to be given orders with his thoughts racing a million miles an hour. “Breathe.” She instructed next, grabbing a water bottle from her mini fridge and handing it to him. He placed it against the back of his neck and it helped. 

“I think you should go. Although I am worried about there being a lot of people, it may make it impersonal and you won’t be able to have the talk that you need. Is there a way to get ahold of him so you can maybe talk before or after?” 

Dan had taken another deep breath and then sighed. “Yeah. I mean. I could find a way to talk to him. I just -- I don’t know if he’d answer.” 

“It’s worth a shot, Dan.” Val’s smile was warm. She was right. It was worth a shot. He’d never know unless he tried. 

**ii.**

Dan and Sam had helped prep the food before they passed it out later that night, it was quiet other than Dan asking how Sam’s mental health was doing. If you looked closely at Sam you could still see some of the scars that were left behind but a lot of them had healed by now and he looked healthier. He had someone to stay with now and his test results had come back clean. Dan and Sam were still looking for his parents, when they had talked to someone about it, they said the process could take a couple of months, and for the first time in a long time Sam could say that he actually had a couple of months instead of this great unknown. 

“You seem really jittery today.” Sam noticed, peeling some of the potatoes and throwing the skin in the trash. 

“It’s just my ex.” Dan shrugged, it was all he was thinking about. He hadn’t heard his voice in so long, even though it was the one he used for the camera, it was still nice to hear it again. 

“Ah, Phil?” Sam’s voice was quiet before he sighed, “Look, I just saw one video. I promise. It was Phil is not on Fire or something? You were young.” 

Dan smiled at Sam and nodded. “I was eighteen. I figured. I’m pretty sure Nev and Thalia have done the same, it’s fine. I’m not mad.” 

“You looked like you really enjoyed doing what you used to do.” Sam had finished with the one potato and moved on to the next one. 

“I did. I miss it sometimes.” He grabbed another potato, too. They had a good rhythm going on now that they knew how to not rip apart their fingers trying to peel the skins off. 

“So why don’t you go back to it?” Sam had looked up at Dan with a small smile. 

“Because it’s complicated.” 

“Bullshit. I got back into painting again. That wasn’t complicated. It just took practice to get back into the groove.” Sam had moved his body when he said groove and it made Dan happy to see this side of Sam, a little bit more confident, a lot healthier, he felt like he was seeing the real him, it was nice. 

“You could even make videos about Safe Haven.” Sam suggested with a shrug. 

Dan hadn’t thought about that. But it made sense. This was as much a part of him as Youtube had been. He had so much to think about but he tried to block it so he could get the food done. 

“We’re gonna start to boil it once you finish the last potato,” Dan had put the pot on the stove and waited for Sam. 

“Here,” Sam had placed the potato in the water while Dan grabbed the rest of them to put in. 

“It’s just something to think about, who’s to say you can’t do both of these things?” Sam dropped it at that. 

*

Dan ended up going home early that night, Jamie had rehearsals until later so he had the place to himself. He had looked at the online ticket he’d have to print out and the details. The documentary would start at 8:00 but you could start seating at 7:15. Dan didn’t know what to do. He could text him and have him not reply. He could DM him and have him ignore him. He could Skype him and he wouldn’t answer. There was a lot of things that he could do but he was afraid of being rejected. He shook his head, opening up his web browser and logging on to his twitter that hadn’t been active since the end of 2012. 

He was surprised that he had even remembered his password, he had over thousands of notifications in his mentions, he took a quick peek. The traffic on his twitter wasn’t as crazy as it used to be but people still @’d him, saying they missed him or were cursing him out. He had a lot of unread messages from people who he followed back asking him about where he had gone and that they missed him. When he scrolled down his feed there were links to videos from people he used to call friends. He missed out on so much he wanted to cry. 

He psyched himself up as he went to Phil’s profile. They still followed each other. He gulped. 

“Okay,” He sighed, pressing the message button. 

He kept trying to compose a message only for him to delete it and rewrite it again. 

_I didn’t know how else to write this. I’ve been trying and trying the past hour and just have been failing miserably._

_I know that this may be wildly inappropriate for me to message you… but I saw your trailer on your channel and I may have bought a ticket to go to your documentary. (I’m really proud of you btw)_

_I don’t know if you’d be interested in meeting up before or after? If not then I can say I tried and I’m sorry. I still have the same number._

_-Dan_

He hit send quickly before he could delete it again and then he waited. 

He checked on Phil’s youtube page and saw that he was nearly at a million views for his trailer and he smiled pleased. He looked at the comment section and noticed a lot of people were in favour of a video explanation and some had written down paragraphs of questions. 

Dan felt his stomach drop to see that a lot of them were asking the same thing:

_What happened to you and Dan?_

He had felt that feeling he had once before -- he wanted to protect Phil from all the people that didn’t understand. It had been a long time since he thought of the video, it seemed like such a long time ago since it had happened, it didn’t bother him as much to see people talk about it in the comment section, and thankfully it wasn’t flooding it like it had before on the videos that they used to do together. 

Dan looked at his old word document that was filled with just one liners and video ideas, he had so many video concepts that he wanted to do and he never got around to it because the thought of doing Youtube while he and Phil were broken up was the last thing on his mind. Now it was all he could think about since Sam had brought it up. 

He typed in _phil is not on fire_ again into the search bar and he clicked on the video and watched it the whole way through. 

Dan had forgotten what it was like to be loved like that, he could see what other people had saw now that he really did feel like an outsider. He rewinded it back to the 2:00 mark. Dan had been so nervous filming this but once they had gotten into it, it truly was the most fun he had ever had. His fingers reached out to touch the much younger, vulnerable Dan and Phil. 

He liked to think that in other universes they still existed in those moments, and that they were played on a constant loop and they were happy. 

His phone had buzzed and Dan had jumped, his hands shaking when he looked to see who it was from. 

Phil. 

He took a deep breath and unlocked his phone to read the message. 

_Hi Dan. I’ve been wanting to reach out to you for so long but didn’t know if I should. I’m glad you messaged me. We can meet up beforehand if you want? You can come by at 6:00pm and I can meet you halfway to get you in._

_Here’s the address and where we’d meet. :)_

“Holy shit.” Dan whispered. “Okay.” 

He had two days to prepare. 

**iii.**

Dan had gone to Safe Haven earlier than usual, he decided to sift through the clothes that were dropped off over night and put them with their matching sizes. It gave him something to do while he waited for Val. He was feeling better, still a little bit freaked out and nervous but Phil seemed friendly in the text, but that didn’t exactly mean he would be in real life when they met up with each other. He knew that he needed to stop thinking about it and let whatever happen -- happen, but that’s just not the kind of person that Dan was. 

_That would make a good video,_ he thought to himself, he had been thinking about that a lot, he’d start to go into a thought spiral and think of how that would be a video people might relate to and enjoy. It was a hell of a thing to be thinking about again, it excited him. Youtube was his passion, it was his thing, he had fun doing it and he did miss it, but he also knew that he had to be away from it. 

By the time nine am rolled around Val was making her rounds of saying hello to the staff. She had a couple of people coming for the sexual identity class that was starting soon. Their mission was mainly working with the homeless LGBTQ+ but they had other classes that people could join for free if they wanted, Dan had gone to one at the end of July. Someone was apparently coming from Cambridge to talk while Val would pick on people to ask questions about it. Sam was going to attend and he said he wanted to do it alone which Dan understood. 

“How’s it going?” Val had peeked her head in while he had began folding the clothes that he organized by size. 

“I’m good. I’m seeing Phil soon.” He placed the heap of folded laundry on it’s rightful shelf. 

“Well good! Happy to hear it. Will you be attending the class?” 

“No, unless Sam wants me to go with him.” 

She shook her head, “No worries. Just curious.” She was about to close the door when Dan had spoken up again. 

“Actually I wanted to run an idea by you.” 

She rose an eyebrow, “Oh?” 

“I’ve been thinking about starting up my Youtube channel… again. I mean, it’s just a thought. But a lot of my ideas would involve talking about my time here, and maybe giving this space a bit of attention that it deserves.” 

She did that award winning smile that not many got to see, “I think that would be a wonderful idea, Dan.” 

He felt good, things had been a big question mark, but he finally felt like he was getting somewhere. He just didn’t know where that was quite yet. 

**iv.**

Jamie and Mikey had picked Dan’s clothes out, and they tried to style his hair, they left it a little wavy but didn’t put as much product as Jamie had that night of the club. They figured that Dan shouldn’t look too put together because that wasn’t realistic but at least put together enough like he had his shit together even if this entire day had been nothing but pacing and drinking a glass of wine at 12:00 in the afternoon. They couldn’t stop him from doing it, and in fact, they joined. 

“Christ, Dan, I love you, but sometimes I hope you slip when you pace.” Jamie was watching Dan go towards one end of the apartment to the other end of the apartment. Mikey had gone to get something for Dan but he wouldn’t tell him what it was he was getting. That was partially why he was pacing. 

“Fuck off, J.” Dan had given him the finger and it was then that he had noticed that the edge of his finger was bleeding from ripping off the hangnail. 

“Stop biting your nails!” Jamie had gotten up and grabbed a paper towel and got it went, walking towards Dan and grabbing his hand. 

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m just nervous.” He sighed, trying not to touch his hair because then he’d ruin it. He didn’t know what else he could do other than pace. 

“I’ll pour you a half of glass of wine, but that’s it.” Jamie had taken the empty glass and refilled it, putting the wine back in the fridge. “Please do not spill the red wine on your shirt, it’s one of your only clean _and_ decent ones.”

Dan had sipped the wine, and he was almost done with it when Mikey had gotten back from wherever he had gone to. 

“Got them!” He held two bouquets of red roses in his hands. Dan had pointed to the second one and Jamie had reached out for them and Dan understood and rolled his eyes. 

“It’s to give Phil. It’s romantic.” Mikey had handed them to Dan and he looked at them; they were beautiful, a little heavy, but it was a nice gesture. 

“I’m not trying to--” Dan had started on his speech that he had been giving Val, Thalia, Nev and Sam. Mikey had cut him off, “I know, _get with him_ , but it’s just sweet.”

It was sweet. This is why Dan was such a shit boyfriend. He was glad that Jamie had Mikey. 

“Okay. We called you a cab, it’ll be here in a couple of minutes. You look good, baby.” Jamie had held Dan’s face in his hands and squished his cheeks. Mikey had wrapped his arms around Jamie from the back and placed his chin on Jamie’s shoulders. 

“Good luck, kiddo.” Mikey teased. 

Dan rolled his eyes at both of them before opening his arms out to give them both a hug. They truly were his parents. “Thank you. If it all goes to shit please pick me up and take me out- with a rifle or to a bar.” 

They both snorted and then pushed him towards the door with the flowers. 

* 

When Dan had gotten in the taxi he felt a calm peace. Perhaps it was the calm before the storm that he was feeling. He had thought of something, but he’d wait until they were there to ask. He watched as they drove passed museums, they’d slow down and speed up, it was five o’clock and London’s rush hour was at its peak. He didn’t mind, he never went out to this part of London, so it was nice to be able to see a little bit more of his city. Though he was now starting to feel a little bit nervous since he was just waiting in the car with the world’s slowest traffic. 

“Do you happen to have something I could write on and a pen?” They were completely stopped now, bumper to bumper. The taxi mad had looked and he had a receipt and a pen, that would work. He flipped the receipt on it’s back and had written down a message and handed him back the pen and thanked him. He stuck it in somewhere in the bouquet of roses and got out his phone. He had reread Phil’s text message about a million times already but it was like visiting an old friend -- the feeling it gave him knowing that there was this tiny little entry back into Phil’s life that he didn’t know he could ever fully be a part of again, but the fact that Phil didn’t hate him and replied had meant something. 

He couldn’t help but start bouncing his legs again, the slower the traffic was the more antsy he was getting. He had done deep breathing exercises in the back of the taxi and checked his hair twice and then three times. At exactly 5:45pm they had arrived at the cinema where it was being held. Dan’s heart was pounding, but he managed to fumble in his pocket for a tip and then got out of the car. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dan muttered, trying to get a fucking grip, he was holding on hard to the flower, he loosened his grip and then grabbed his phone to text Phil that he was here. 

_On my way down x_

“Fuck.” he said one last time, awkwardly standing against the wall while he watched cars fly by, people were arriving to meet their people he assumed, there was a line starting to form outside, he had forgot about the fact that there’d be people who knew of them -- this would be the first time in a long time that Dan and Phil would be in the same room as each other. Nervous was an understatement. 

He heard the door open and he turned to look. 

And there he was. Sporting a new suit, with shorter hair, and a shy smile. 

“Dan.” He walked closer, eyeing the flowers, and his smile widened. 

“Hi Phil.” 

**v.**

Dan wasn’t expecting a hug, but that’s what he got and he certainly wasn’t complaining. He actually stopped breathing when Phil wrapped his arms around Dan. He didn’t want to let go once he was wrapped in Phil’s arms. He smelled like his home, which was new and familiar. He had forgotten what that had smelt like, forgotten what he had looked like, forgotten that he had freckles that were hidden in his cheeks. When Phil pulled away Dan got a good look at him. He looked older, like he had seen things that he shouldn’t have -- and Dan supposed that was true given the circumstances of his documentary.

“Hi,” Phil said again, his hand still resting on Dan’s arm. 

“Hi.” Dan said back. 

He gave him the flowers and Phil took them and gave them a hearty sniff. 

“Thank you, Dan. Shall we go in?” He had looked at people getting dropped off by taxi, Dan nodded. 

There was a lot of people in fancy dress talking to what Dan assumed to be partners and family members or friends. He smiled politely at a few and followed Phil to what appeared to be a dining area with a bar. It looked like he had already ordered for them and Dan was grateful, he was so hungry and now that he was in Phil’s presence he felt like he could actually breathe now that it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was going to be. 

It was just weird -- surreal, even. He didn’t know what to think, it was like now that it was happening his mind had gone blank. He was just trying to make it to the next moment without passing out on anyone. He had seen the glass of water and he took a long gulp, pushing it forward, passed the plate. It was just pasta, and yet, Dan was ecstatic. 

“I haven’t eaten all day,” Dan eventually said, stabbing the pasta with his fork. 

“Me neither.” Phil had taken a bite, and then said, “Nervous,” at the same time as Dan did. 

Dan blushed, but he knew that he was going red. 

“Have you decided to go the curly route? With your hair?” Phil observed, it had looked like he was about to reach out and touch his hair but stopped. Dan pretended not to notice or bat an eyelash for his sake but he knew that he’d overanalyze it later when he found the time. 

Dan had blushed again, finishing chewing before he talked. “Fuck no, I was um, not in control of my hair today. I didn’t have a say in the matter.” 

Phil nodded with a small smile, “I’ve always liked your curly hair.” 

This was a dangerous game. Though he knew that it wasn’t a game by any means. It was just risky business for Dan, who thought of nothing more than to just go back to what they used to be -- but knowing damn well that it wouldn’t happen like that again. He made himself sad thinking about it, biting the inside of his cheek until it bled he looked up at Phil again who seemed to be studying him. 

“My roommate and his boyfriend uh, dressed me and did my hair tonight,” Dan further explained. 

Phil seemed tickled by it, shaking his head a little, “You didn’t need to get dressed up, I mean, it’s like a big deal for me, but people already take themselves too seriously here,” it made both of them laugh, it had reminded him of the group of people they had gone to vidcon with, they were part of a different company but they took themselves way too seriously and Dan and Phil cringed at the thought of them ever acting like that. 

“I mean, it’s important to you- so, I, yeah, got sort of dressed up.” He was wearing his black skinny jeans that he always wore and a red, plaid, button up. 

Someone had brought them wine, Dan had never been so thankful for liquid encouragement. 

“Listen, I don’t know how to like -- I don’t know how to say I’m sorry without coming off like an arse, or if it’s even my place to talk about it but I just…. Wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m glad that she’s doing better,” and that he loved her more than she’d know, because she was always so kind to Dan whenever he had come to visit Phil. 

Phil shook his head and had almost reached over again but instead picked up his form. “Hey, no, it’s fine, Dan. I’ve been stalling, but I mean, I think it’d be better if we talked after. There’d be more time.” 

_More time._

Dan nodded his head, he just needed to say his peace before he went completely mad about it. 

“I do need to tell you something though,” Phil tapped his fingers against the wine glass. 

Dan prepared for the worst. His boyfriend was coming. He had a boyfriend. 

“There’s some footage of you in it. Not… um, not the video. But clips from the abandoned hospital, some stuff from Portugal,” 

Dan breathed and he let out a laugh. “Holy fuck.” He had taken another drink from the glass and covered his face with his hands. 

“That’s fine, Phil.” It was more than fine. 

“What did you think I was going to say?” Their feet had brushed against each other and Dan had immediately retracted his feet from any close proximity. 

“I -- I don’t know…” Dan chewed on his bottom lip. 

“Dan.” 

Dan had taken another drink of the wine and covered his face again. “God,” He groaned. “Uh, I thought you were going to say your boyfriend was coming.” 

And then Phil laughed. He laughed loud enough that the people that were working behind the bar stared at them, and maybe it was because Dan had a lot of wine today, but he was feeling light and he laughed with Phil, too. They had the case of the giggles it seemed like. 

“No, I don’t have one of those.” 

Dan wanted to say good. Dan wanted to ask why, and wanted to see if he was dating anyone at all. But he didn’t deserve to know that, it wasn’t his business, so instead he nodded. 

“Me neither.” Dan chimed. 

“Good, I’m glad we got that covered.” They clinked their glasses and this was honestly the weirdest thing that’s happened to him today and the past fucking year if he was being honest. He felt like he was ascending to another plane, this wasn’t real. 

“Are you nervous?” Dan couldn’t look Phil in the eyes, it was too intense for him, it was like if he did, he’d see how badly Dan was trying to hold it together. 

“Yeah. Incredibly. I’m scared of what people will ask. I mean, I filmed a video answering some of people’s questions but I know it’s not like substantial.” They were getting into a conversation that could take hours when they only had minutes. 

“You’ll be okay.” Dan reassured as best as he could, reaching out this time to squeeze his hand. It was a risk, but he was glad that he did it, even if it took three cups of wine throughout the day and now to do it. 

“Phil, are you ready?” It had looked like it was someone who worked on the project with him who had come by their table, she looked mid thirties at the last, and was very tiny, she smiled at Dan and he nodded his head towards her. 

“Yeah, are you?” Phil looked at Dan now and Dan had finished off the wine and gave a thumbs up. 

He was as ready as he’d ever be. 

**vi.**

Dan sits in a seat that’s not in the audience, for the sake of not trying to make the attention about Dan being at Phil’s documentary they find him somewhere he can still see the screen but not where everyone else can see him. There was a big sigh of relief from both Dan and Phil when Phil’s manager had told them that they could make it work. Dan was honestly worried about that, he didn’t want the spotlight to be taken from Phil, whatever this documentary was- he worked a lot on it and he didn’t want to make it a _Dan and Phil_ thing, which was odd all in itself to think about. 

Phil had to sit in the front row, but he was in Dan’s line of vision and he waved to him as inconspicuously as he could and Dan had waved back. From where he was sitting he could hear people scream in the audience, he swore he could hear someone crying, but there were people in the audience that were important, they were the ones that Phil was trying to impress and he knew that they would be. Phil was good at everything he did -- he believed in him. 

Val had texted Dan. 

_How is it going?? Miss you serving food but glad you’re getting a break! I don’t think there’s been a day where you haven’t been here._

Dan smiled at the text and replied back quickly before the doc started. 

_beyond nervous but doing okay so far. we’re gonna talk more after the show. i can come in tomorrow!_

He set his phone down when it buzzed again. 

_NO give yourself this free time. You’re gonna have a lot to think about._  
_Nev and Sam are going to the Tate with some new people tomorrow anyway_

Music started to play, Dan put his phone on silent and looked up at the screen. 

*

It starts with Kathryn feeding Phil, a beautiful montage of Phil growing up with his mother, you see Phil’s dad filming behind the camera, and yelling at Martyn to not push his brother into the grass because it’s not nice and Kathryn coming over as Super Woman, holding her arms out for Phil with open arms. Phil says something along the lines of how his mother always did remind him of a superhero somehow and how she was always there for him when he fell down and had gotten hurt. There’s not a big range of clips of Phil growing up, there’s a few from the home movies that he used to make with his friends, they’re laughing at some inappropriate joke and Dan looks at Phil who is laughing, a hand over his mouth and it makes Dan laugh to see Phil laugh with the audience. 

Phil does a lot of voiceovers, explaining certain moments in his life with his mum, how he had always been a little weird and how people used to make fun of him for that. When he started this documentary, like he had said in the trailer, he didn’t know what exactly it was going to be, he just wanted to compile the most important parts of his life and have it be documented into this thing that he could maybe eventually hold and watch if he ever wanted to. He was sentimental like that, wanting something to remind him of these adventures with the people in his life. There’s clips of things that Dan hasn’t seen -- like the times in Florida with his friend Ian, it’s very brief and short but it’s nice to see that Phil had other people in his life to fall back on, and he did remember meeting Ian a few times and he wonders if he’s here too. But then it switches to university, a tour of his dorm that’s never before seen, people’s faces are blocked out and their voice is changed ever so slightly, but he’s asking someone what it’s like to be his roommate and they reply, _“Ace.”_

Dan rolls his eyes but can’t help but laugh, staring at Phil who stares back at him with a knowing smile. Dan can always tell by the change of Phil’s hair what year it is, he talks a lot about his youtube channel and the first time that he told his parents about what he was doing and how supportive they were but also that they were concerned that he didn’t have a plan with his life, it had always surprised him how similar they were in a lot of ways -- while Dan’s parents didn’t care that he used to do Youtube they had wanted more things for him, they wanted a lawyer and he tried to make that work for them -- but he just couldn’t. Phil goes on to talking about a little bit about Linguistics but he doesn’t really understand it, but there’s a twinkle in his eye when he brings up his Master’s in Video Postproduction with Specialisation in Visual Effects. He breaks it down basically saying it was a lot of time on the computer and a lot of group projects that made a lot of his grade. And that he eventually got to use all those cool skills for his Youtube videos. 

Dan braces himself for what he thinks might come next, but then the scene switches to his mum in the hospital. His grandparents are there and his dad, Martyn and Cornelia are in the background and Phil has the camera propped on something while he sits on one side of his mum, taking her hand while the doctor explains what happened. You can’t hear anything, there’s music being played over what’s being said, and then a voiceover of what Phil had felt in that moment. Dan watches Phil’s face from where he’s sitting. It’s not so much that his face had hardened but it was like he was trying not to show that he was upset or sad. 

_“When I heard the news I was trying to make a video, I wasn’t really even sure what the video was about just that I wanted to make one. Then my phone rang, I ignored it and put it on vibrate. And then my phone rang again, that’s usually an indicator that it was serious, so I answered and it was my dad telling me that my mom was in the hospital and they think that she suffered from a stroke but they’d know for sure in a few minutes and that I needed to call Martyn to meet them there. I remember feeling the worst case scenario: my mum is going to die, and I wouldn’t get to tell her that I loved her. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to get ahold of my brother and he had come to pick me up since I was in no state to drive, Cornelia, my brother’s girlfriend and also my friend, held my hand in the back seat while I cried.” Phil on camera laughs nervously, his eyes are downcast and he’s not looking at the camera, “When we got there they were talking about a whole bunch of medical stuff that I didn’t understand, and they said that they got it under control, and if she were to come any later she would have probably… probably wouldn’t have made it. But because my dad had taken her to the hospital they were able to intervene. Uh, but they did tell us that she’d have to go through a lot of physical therapy, they’d know more of her limitations once she woke up from surgery._

_I had promised myself that I’d do it with my mum. I’d go to all of her physical therapy, and I’d record for her and for me and our family. I just -- wanted to document that way you know if by chance she was fine now, and didn’t make it later, I’d have this thing that I could look back to- to her remember her by.”_ The scene changes to her getting discharged from the hospital and Martyn pushing her in the wheelchair, Phil had waved to the hospital and got in the car and so began the actual progression of his mother strengthening the part of her body that had lost its function, the doctors said they were confident she’d get her strength back but if she was willing to work for her. 

Phil in the documentary had made cards and wrote down important things that his mother had forgotten so she could look down at it and remember again. There were things from Phil’s childhood that were blurry to her, and thankfully because his family had recorded so much stuff from Phil’s childhood she had that visual. Dan looked at Phil again and felt a lump in his throat. 

Phil had a lot of death anxiety -- it was his greatest fear having the people he loved be put into a situation where it was life or death, Dan had known that, and seeing him talk about it felt so intimate, it now belonged to the public- to the viewers who had came, and Phil had gotten up from his seat and had to walk away on camera for a while and come back. 

He talked about how lonely of a year it was, he had his family of course -- he showed clips of their board game nights, and he helped his mum relearn how to play the game and it was thrilling to see that after a while she eventually got the hang of it, even if Phil did have to help her put cards or move pieces with the hand that wasn’t as strong and flexible. He had so much anxiety some nights, he wouldn’t be able to sleep and he’d fear that his mum would have a stroke again -- because the doctors said there was a four in ten chance that she could have one again. 

_“Whenever I’d get into that dark mindset I had remembered that there were people who kept me going -- some of the people who kept me going didn’t even realize that they were,”_ It was the beginning of a montage of people, it started with his grandparents waving to him while he got in his car to go home from their house, it was his brother flipping him off with Cornelia’s head in his lap, it was Ian in Florida, and Charlie and Stephen for a brief second, then there was Phil recording an episode of Buffy which made a lot of the crowd laugh, and then there was the abandoned hospital, Dan held his breath. 

_“Say hi, Dan!”_ Phil is behind the camera and Dan is young, and stupidly in love, and touching his hair even though he’s wearing that bloody hat that he was so obsessed with. It was the night that Phil had written _I love Dan_ in the snow, and the scene changes to the snow falling outside the abandoned hospital, Dan can hear himself laugh in the background, he forgot about what it was now, and he looks to Phil who’s looking at him and they hold eye contact for a long time until Dan looks away because he’s kind of crying, and it’s been a long time since he felt something as strong as that. 

_“Now that I think about it, this was a love letter -- not only to myself, but to my mum who literally gave me life, and she’s still Superwoman to me, and I wouldn’t be here without her. As of yesterday she finished physical therapy, still has a bit of memory loss, but they’re slowly coming back to her, and she has a big family to remind her if she ever does forget. Alternatively, this would have been called Where Things Come Back, or my Yellow Bird, but we both settled on A Year In The Life, sounds catchier anyway.”_ The documentary ends with Phil’s mum cheering on Phil to walk towards her, it’s his first steps Dan is realizing, when Phil does get to his mum he collapses in her arms and she squeezes him tight, singing to a familiar rhyme, _“Oh we’re so proud of you, Dada loves you, yes he does, Martyn loves you, yes he does, Moma loves you, yes I do, I got my whole world in my hands, I got the whole world in my hands….”_

When the screen turns black there’s a single message that says: _For Kathryn._

When it’s over, people stand up and they clap. Of all the things that Phil has done, this was the thing that Dan was most proud of. 

**vii.**

The Q&A isn’t as bad as Phil had thought, it was more for those who had wanted to direct their own documentary, it was interesting to see a different side to Phil, he had a lot of knowledge about stuff that Dan couldn’t even begin to understand when it came to piecing together scenes and when to do a voiceover and whatnot, when it was done Phil had looked pretty drained and Dan felt a little brave. 

Dan had opened his arms out to hug Phil, and there wasn’t a hesitation, Phil’s arms circled around him, and for a moment, everything had felt like it was back to normal, that there hadn’t been such a long gap of not seeing or talking to each other, it didn’t hurt. Dan was the one to pull away and he squeezed Phil’s shoulder and followed him out of the theater with the rest of the people that Dan had guessed was on his filming crew. They were apparently going out for drinks from what he overheard but Dan knew that Phil probably just wanted to get a cup of coffee and be away from people for a while. 

They pick up Phil’s flowers and he says goodbye to people, Dan shoves his hands in his pockets because he doesn’t know what else to do with them, he has nothing to really hold other than his cell phone, he’s a tall guy built with awkward limbs that desperately want to reach out and hold Phil’s hands. He felt like he had just shared a connection with Phil, but he knew that Phil had just bared his soul for the rest of the world, and they’d find out soon if he won in his category.

It was a late night in London, when Dan looked at his clock he knew that passing food out would be starting. The streets were wet, it must have rained during the time that they were gone. Dan had always liked the smell of rain, he looked up at the dark sky and clouds were blocking the view of the moon. 

When Dan had look back, Phil had a curious face, looking at Dan and it made Dan blush again. “I’d invite you back to mine but my roommate’s boyfriend is over and they told me that I should be out a while,” Dan had only an idea of what they were doing. 

“No, it’s fine. You can come back to mine? I moved in only a week ago. Martyn is tired of moving people in and out of apartments by now, so I’m here to stay in London for a while.” 

Dan thinks about it, but only for a second before he agrees. There is a part of him that thinks it may be a bad idea, but honestly Dan was feeling a bit adventurous tonight and he knew that it had to do with the adrenaline of the documentary and a little bit to do with the wine. He followed behind Phil, both not saying anything for a while.

“I’m really proud of you, Phil.” Dan says at the bus stop, they’re in a situation that they’re all too familiar with, there’s something that’s being said with little to no words but the other is understanding it fully and it had been too long since Dan had seen Phil, and he just wanted to keep talking to him, scared that if the silences were too long then the gap wouldn’t be able to be breached. 

“Thank you. It wasn’t too weird?” Dan understands what he’s talking about and he shakes his head. 

“No, it just. It took me by surprise -- I didn’t know what… I just didn’t know how you were going to- and. No it wasn’t weird.” Dan had to make a conscious effort to not stutter through his words but ended up failing anyway, he internally face palmed. 

When their bus comes they slot easily by the seats near the exit in the back, it must look a little funny, it had kind of had reminded Dan of two teenagers who were just getting back from a first date with how they were sitting close but not close enough, dressed up but not dressed up enough with a secret smiles and a yearning for something more but too hesitant to just reach out and grab it.

When they got off the walk to his apartment wasn’t that far, Dan had grabbed the flowers while Phil searched for his keys as they walked up the stairs to the second floor. Dan had counted by the doors they passed until the sixth one to the right and Phil had unlocked the door and let them both in. It smelt new, it was giving him a lot of flashbacks of moving into the London Flat. It felt like new beginnings. 

There was a couch and a telly, but no wall decorations, the kitchen was small but big enough for just one person. 

“Where do you eat Phil?” Dan had to snort, there wasn’t a table. 

“Yeah, about that,” Phil had walked over to the couch and then sat down and patted his thighs. 

“Oh my god, do you need help furnishing your apartment, because I’ll gladly help you.” He laughed, walking to the kitchen to find something big enough for them to put the flowers in. 

“Do you have wine we can drink? I can use the wine bottle as a vase?” Dan was just being creative here. 

“I do have a little bit of wine we can finish off.” Phil had gotten up from the couch and walked towards the fridge and it was sad, looking at how empty the fridge was other than half a loaf of bread, some butter, and two bananas and the wine bottle. 

“Christ, Phil.” Dan was getting a kick out of this and Phil had tugged on Dan’s hair. 

“Shut up, I _just_ moved in.” Phil laughs and grabs two cups from the cupboard. 

There’s enough wine for both of them, Dan takes the bottle and washes it out as best as he can and then fills it up with some water and sticks the flowers in. “There we go.” Dan places it where he thinks it best flatters the kitchen and then grabs the wine and sits down on the couch, his back against the headrest and Phil goes for the same sitting arrangement and their feet surprisingly don’t touch but they’re damn close. Dan takes a long drink from the wine, he has a feeling he might be crying at the end of this conversation, but it may be the thing he needed. 

“I wanted to show you something,” Dan had thankfully remembered to bring this jacket, he had almost forgot, He had opened it up a little bit for Phil to see the rainbow pin tucked in a safe place for only Dan to see and for only Dan to expose to the people that he wanted to show. 

“That’s the LGBTQ+ flag.” Phil observed, reaching out to touch the pin and he looked up at Dan. 

“Yeah, I carry with me wherever I go.” Dan had taken another drink from the wine and bit his tongue on the things that he wanted to ask. 

Phil looks at something in the kitchen, Dan looks back to see what he’s looking at. He doesn’t see what he’s seeing, but it’s enough for Phil to get up and grab whatever it is and he doesn’t realize that the paper from the flowers had fallen. Phil picks up and sees the receipt side before also seeing the arrow that pointed towards the other side. 

Dan holds his breath. 

Phil mouths the words: _if only we were strangers again._

Phil stares at the piece of paper in his hands, and Dan feels himself start to slowly fall apart again, he had written it on a whim, he didn’t plan on coming back here to Phil’s place, but he’s not going to run away from it now, but he would have, a couple years ago. But Dan was different now and he knew better. 

“I should have called, Dan.” He sets the piece of paper on the counter and finds himself back on his side of the couch. 

“I didn’t know -- well, I don’t know how it would have been… good for us to have kept that communication. I think we would have just resented each other if we tried to make something that wasn’t already working, work.” 

Dan remembers how angry he was, how angry he had been at Phil for just breathing in the same room as him. Dan was so angry because he felt like that was all that he had, and all that he could be. He had let that anger define him for a very long time. He didn’t throw things or hurt people, he just hurt himself with his isolating thoughts, and drowned himself in his own internalized homophobia and shame. 

“You know my friend, Jamie, I don’t know if you remember him, he’s my roommate now but, he took me to my first LGBTQ club for my twenty-second birthday. It wasn’t so much the club in itself that…. Changed me. Even though technically it was, the LGBTQ scene is a whole other thing but- it was this one person I met when I went to go escape for a couple minutes.” It had been a long time since he thought back to his twenty-second birthday, but he was glad that Kenzie could still exist somewhere, even if it was just in this story. 

“And I met this kid who was smoking in the bathroom and he was the first person to openly ask me if I was gay.” 

Dan feels the tears prickle at the corner of his eyes, and Phil listens, it felt good to tell someone else, it’s how he came to peace with a lot of things by talking about it. 

“I told him that I wasn’t gay but, I prefer the term queer. It’s vague enough for everyone else, but feels like it…. It fits me and that I don’t have to lie to people anymore, and he told me about this place that was a “safe haven” for people. I was dumb enough to go to this place and found out that it literally was a Safe Haven, LGBTQ center and I’ve been there ever since.” 

Phil wasn’t asking about his life, but he wanted to tell him anyway. Phil had just opened himself up in front of hundreds and soon to be thousands if things went according to plan, he could extend the same to Phil who had always been so good at listening to Dan when he needed someone to listen to him the most. 

“Tell me more.” Phil encourages, “I can make coffee.” He smiles, getting up to turn the kettle on. 

Dan feels like his heart might explode, he finishes the wine and then starts telling him about Val, and then about Sam. 

He does start crying a little bit, but it’s a given. Dan tells him that he cries a lot now, and he’s not ashamed of it anymore. Phil tells him that he’s learned to cry because of his mum. So they’re both kind of crying into the wee hours in the morning over really sweet coffee because that’s how Phil likes it and how Dan is used to it, and Phil is new and familiar and feels like how he always felt like: home. Even in a new apartment that so badly needs to be furnished with Phil-like things to make it homey. 

Val had once said, _it was hard enough dealing with a breakup, but when you put it in the public eye it feels violating._

“You didn’t ask how it felt,” Phil’s voice is low, like if they were to talk any louder this bubble they were in would pop. 

“I know. I’m sorry. I was too busy hurting that I didn’t even consider anyone else’s feelings other than my own. It was fucked up, and I should have asked you how it felt.” 

It had been something that Dan thought a lot about. It was Phil’s video. He was the one that had made it for Dan. He was the one that had gone to the effort that he did with drawing his favourite memories, to picking the music, and uploading it to a website that they thought they could trust not to fail them. He wondered a lot of what would happen if it never leaked, where they would be. Would they still be together? Maybe in another universe, Dan thought, they would have figured it out, gotten their shit together immediately. But the universe they were in now had other plans for them, and they could never take back what had happened but they could learn and grow from it and Dan liked to think that they did. Phil had taken that broken heart of having bared his soul once and created something bigger and better for an entire audience but about his mum, and a little bit about him, and he still counted Dan in there, and it was beautiful. 

“I don’t blame you, Dan. I’ve learned not to judge people for the way that they grieve.”

Grief was an interesting word, he hadn’t thought about it in that way, but he supposed that it was true. They both lost something the day that it leaked, maybe that part of them that felt safe from a world that was still learning what to do with them -- and how to love them. Dan was beginning to realize that this was the way for a lot of people who identified as queer and had their heart broken by things that were out of their control. 

“What do we do?” Dan asks at half past four in the morning, their feet have been overlapping on each other with cold coffee, neither wanting to get up and heat the drinks again because it took too much work, and they were fine in this space that they were in, talking about the things that they should have talked about a long time ago, but they weren’t ready yet. 

“I don’t know.” Phil whispered back, it wasn’t the answer that Dan was hoping for, but it was still an answer instead of the silence that he had been used to. Phil reaches out his hand holding it up like a high five, and Dan places his hand against his and Phil links their fingers together, Dan felt like his whole body was just a big hunk of clay and Phil could mold him in any way and he’d be content with it. 

Dan takes a deep breath, their hands still locked together, both warm and familiar, that was the theme for tonight, he supposed. 

“I wasn’t ready to be your boyfriend yet.” Dan wanted to be honest, even if that honesty had hurt, he felt the tear run down his face and he kind of laughs but Phil reaches out to wipe his face. 

He doesn’t know what he’s saying now, maybe that he was ready, maybe that he could be. 

Phil smiles at Dan and nods his head. “I know.” 

“I need to sleep, Phil. As much as I don’t want to.” Dan’s head was rolling, but Phil felt the same. It had been a long day for both of them. 

“Come on.” Phil had gotten up, and tugged on Dan’s hand gently. “You can sleep on my bed and I can sleep on the floor.” 

It took Dan a minute to process, but he shook his head, “No, you can sleep on the bed,” he said while he slowly took his shoes off, tossing them to the side. 

“We can both sleep on the bed.” Dan says as he tucked himself into Phil’s green comforter that he hadn’t bothered to change and yet it was the most comforting thing other than Phil in this entire apartment. 

Phil doesn’t complain as he gets on his side of the bed, under the comforter and they’re both staring at each other, half dazed, half awake, maybe even half asleep. 

Dan’s fingers brush over Phil’s fringe, doing what Phil had used to do to him all those years ago, after an argument was settled, before Dan fell apart, when they left, but who’s to say that it couldn’t have another meaning? Dan moved the hair out of his eyes and he smiled.

“What were you doing?” Dan whispers. 

“Waiting for you.” Phil answers, and it’s the last thing Dan hears before he falls asleep. 

**ix.**

When Dan wakes up he has a bit of a wine hangover, but he does smell breakfast. He had forgotten where he was momentarily before he realized. His phone had fallen out of his pocket and was somewhere lost in Phil’s bed he had searched for it to see that he had text messages from Jamie that he had ignored. 

_HOW WAS IT_  
_ARE YOU OKAY_  
_IM A LITTLE DRUNK_

_Okay i made it home and had some water_  
_Still drunk but like its fine_  
_Dan_  
_Daniel_  
_Im just gonna assume ur staying with phil and everything is fine (:_  
_Im not worried_  
_Why do all queers suck at texting back_  
_Love u <3_

Dan had smiled and replied back. 

_i’m sorry that i didnt reply back_  
_we just started talking and we didnt stop until like almost five in the morning???_  
_idk whats happening but asdkfjlsd help (im fine)_  
_drink some water when you wake up_  
_see you soon_

Dan had gotten up from bed and then walked out of Phil’s bedroom to the kitchen.

“Morning.” Phil said with a smile, he was attempting to make pancakes but he had to flip it and that was always the struggle. 

“Let me record this,” Dan had turned record on and then nodded, “Go on Phil, flip that pancake!” 

“Hey!” 

“Oh my God, oh my God, you actually caught it.” 

“What’s happening to the world.” 

Dan had stopped recording and grabbed two plates. “The only thing we can put on the pancakes is syrup and bananas,” Dan had commented, remembering the state of Phil’s fridge. 

“I mean, that could be good, too, right?” Phil went to work on the second pancake and Dan shrugged.

“Fair enough, I’ll chop them,” He had all his times at Safe Haven to thank for him becoming a pro at chopping things. 

He was still reeling from their conversation before he had drifted off to sleep, they were in a place where he didn’t know where they would go from here, but he was finding that he wasn’t really too worried about it, just having Phil back in his life was enough. 

“I meant to ask you last night,” Phil had taken the second banana and peeled it for Dan, “Are you planning on coming back to Youtube?” 

Dan smiled, and nodded. “Yeah, I was telling Val about my vision. You know I either avoided the questions about my sexuality or I called people out for it in such a shitty way, and I want to be better than that. I can’t even watch my last video without cringing. I figured if I’m going to come back I need it to be authentic and…. Safe Haven is a part of me, and it wouldn’t be my entire channel but it’d be a good part of it.” 

Phil smiled as he grabbed the pan to flip the pancake, it almost slid off and onto the floor but Phil was fast and he saved it. Some things never changed, he was glad that when it came to food, Phil stayed the same. 

“I like it. We should collab sometime,” Phil winked. 

Dan blushed. 

“You reckon we can break the internet?” Dan found himself staring at Phil’s lips before he snapped out of it, placing the bananas on top of the pancakes and adding syrup on top. 

“I think if we were to post something we could get something trending. After you upload your video though. I’m guessing you haven’t thought that far yet?” 

“No, I’m just trying to make it through day by day,” Dan laughed but it was true -- he couldn’t really think too far ahead in the future anymore, it stressed him out and it put him under a lot of pressure that he didn’t need. 

“I can help with that, and in exchange you can help me pick furniture.” 

“Deal.” They shook on it, with Dan’s sticky hands and Phil’s caked banana fingers. 

When they ate breakfast they talked about his mum’s physical therapy in more depth now that Phil didn’t have a camera on him.  
“I remember her going for an MRI, she was scared of the sound, and it she felt claustrophobic, which is understandable, but after her freaking out for a moment, she’d go silent, and when they finished I asked her where she went, and she said, ‘in Florida, with my family,’ The doctors and nurses started crying. It’s a Lester gift apparently, we just make everyone cry.” 

“Can confirm. I cried like a baby last night.” 

After they clean up Dan says that he needs to go home even though he doesn’t really want to leave. 

“We don’t have to say goodbye anymore.” Phil walks him to the door, and they’re close enough, close enough where Dan can barely remember to breathe, but Phil hugs him, and Dan thinks that this is the best day of his life. 

“I’ll text you.” Dan says as he pulls away. 

*

When he gets home Jamie and Mikey look hungover but they’re playing video games in just their pants.

“Shit, you survived.” The first thing Jamie says, pausing the game and walking towards Dan to give him a hug. 

“No, please don’t, you don’t have PJ bottoms on and--” Too late, he’s already hugging him and Mikey joins. “Okay. I mean, this is not the worst position to be in but also,” he pulls away.

“How did it go?” Jamie gauges his reaction. 

“Really good. But I’m very sleepy. I’ll fill you in later.” He pats both of their heads and opens the door to his bedroom and practically falls on his bed. He was so glad that he had a couple of days off from Safe Haven, Val really did know Dan well enough to realize that he’d need a couple of days to think about this. 

_tell sam that i hope he has a good day at the tate museum!_  
_also it was a really good night i’m glad i went._

Dan quickly sends the text before scrolling for Phil’s contact.

_had really good night, thanks for the breakfast even though i helped_  
_i’m going to sleep for a couple of yrs now <3_

Before Dan can think about going to sleep he grabs his laptop and logs into his twitter account. 

@ **danisnotonfire:** guess who’s back, back again. daniel’s back tell a friend (or probably not idk how close you are to your friends) but uh, hi? expect a viddy soon.

He hits tweet and then he closes his laptop. 

“Dan! Are you fucking kidding me? What a horrible first tweet!” He can hear Jamie from the living room but it’s enough to make him smile, pulling up the comforter to his chin. 

**x.**

Dan had woken up later that night to a couple of text messages. 

One from Val. 

_They had a good day! We’re out serving right now and Sam is helping!_  
_Hope you had a good day too. Glad to know that it went well._

And then from Phil. 

_A couple of things: oops I fell asleep!_  
_Second, your tweet. The replies are too funny._  
_Third, I have a wedding that I need to go to that I forgot about_  
_in Isle of Man. Would you be down to go as my plus one?_

“Fuck.” Dan felt like he was eighteen again getting a reply from AmazingPhil. This time, it was much better. 

_it’s okay i did too i was so tired_  
_i lit tweeted and then went straight to bed so i have yet to see it but_  
_i need to make a video now don’t it the procrastination begins_  
_wow our first date was a skybar and now you’re flying me to an isle?_  
_i’m impressed_  
_also i’d love to <3_  
_when?_

“Can I steal a slice?” Dan points at the pizza and they’re in the middle of an intense raid it looks like but Mikey manages to yell out, _Yes!_ And then, _Fuck!_

Dan smiles, grabbing a piece and then sitting in between them, he leans against Jamie who’s probably not too happy about it but Dan is content with life right now. 

“He asked me to be a date at a wedding he has to go to,”

Jamie pauses the game immediately. “Okay, spill.” 

Phil text’s back.

_In two days? Is this a late notice?_  
_Also ahaha yes you have to actually make a video now_  
_It’ll be ACE_

Dan smiles and replies back.

_no, no it’s fine!_  
_also that is an unacceptable answer get out plz_

Jamie and Mikey were both staring at Dan with pleased smiles. 

“Alright, fine, take my phone, you can read them yourself.” Dan handed it over and reached to grab another slice of pizza. 

“So you talked about stuff?” Jamie guessed, smiling at their text messages and handing it to Mikey. 

“Yeah, we talked about almost… everything. I told him about my video idea. I told him that I probably wasn’t ready to be his boyfriend at the time and… It was a lot. But it was good. We made pancakes in the morning, and I took this video of him.” He had grabbed his phone back and went to his camera roll. 

They huddled together and Jamie wrapped an arm around Dan. 

“It really harkens back to your older stuff, in a way. Little bit less edgy, and more real now.” 

Jamie was right, he had watched the video again and smiled to himself. It was like physically time had passed, they were still the same people, a little bit more mature, a little bit more experience, but they were still Dan and Phil that met over the internet, but now there was this level of vulnerability that had been stripped back, Dan wasn’t afraid anymore. 

“I’m going to go make my video now.” He took one more slice of pizza but made an effort to squeeze both their shoulders as a thank you.

He was glad that he had these friends, Jamie had took him in when he was at his darkest moment and gave him a place to stay, and although Micah didn’t last he helped in some weird way too, but they ran their course and it was okay. Mikey was new to the household but he was glad that he was over a lot and played video games with his boyfriend and bought flowers for Dan to give to Phil. There were these people in his life that he may have met briefly for a time before going off their separate ways and becoming who they were meant to be -- he wished he could thank them individually, maybe one day. 

Dan had found his camera buried deep underneath a pile of crap in his closet, thankfully he didn’t accidentally trip on it, there was a bit of dust but he still remembered how to work it. He opened up his word document on his computer and had written down his idea and tried to bullet point the stuff he wanted to talk about, and then he went through his twitter replies and took screenshots of questions that people had asked only to see people freaking out because AmazingPhil had replied to him.

@ **AmazingPhil:** @ **danisnotonfire** This is your worst tweet! You have to actually make a video now, how do you feel?

Dan smiled. 

@ **danisnotonfire:** @ **AmazingPhil** i feel like i’m being bullied (i am actually filming rn ty v much)

He had so many replies coming in at once he didn’t know what to do with it. He wanted to wait and reply to people after he uploaded his video, but he didn’t know when that would be. 

Once he set the tripod up, he was ready. 

“Here we go.” he whispered. 

**xi.**

They meet at the airport and are a little late in typical Dan and Phil fashion, they’re running towards their gate, barely making it in time. When they sit down in their seats Dan looks at Phil with a smirk. “It’s your fault.” It’s really not -- if anything, Dan really needed to learn time management, he still was pretty bad at that. 

“I refuse to take the blame for this.” Phil pokes Dan’s side and grabs his laptop, the flight was only an hour long but he wanted to get ahead on his editing for his new video. Dan finds himself resting against Phil’s arm, there was no real barrier between the two anymore, they didn’t discuss what they were or weren’t, but Dan felt like he could do this without it being weird -- and it wasn’t weird, Phil didn’t even blink. 

“Did you miss editing? I didn’t. I forgot how many hours go into a single video.” Phil has one earbud out. He laughs quietly. 

“Well, I edited a lot of the documentary, that was another level of hell. I quite enjoy this. Once you get into a groove it’s easy sailing, but you know that.” He watched Phil add an effect before taking the earbud he wasn’t using so he could be a part of it. 

“How have people been perceiving your stuff?” Dan tried to not look in the comment section, he was afraid that it’d be ugly if he did. 

“Not too bad, actually. Someone that had gone to the Screening wrote this really sweet reply about how they could relate with their dad almost dying from a stroke and how she documented his recovery with her photography.” He had opened his saved photos showing him the screenshot and he smiled reading it. 

“I’ll upload my video when we get back.” 

* 

Phil’s dad ends up picking them up at the airport, Dan had only talked to his father a few times but it was all positive. Phil’s father was the kind of guy that just picked things up where they left off. He asked him what he had been up to since the last time they saw each other and honestly Dan never knew what to tell people, he had tried to explain to his own mum once and she didn’t quite get it but was happy knowing that Dan seemed happy. He was a bit nervous to see Phil’s mum again even knowing that she didn’t harbour any bad feelings towards Dan, but it wasn’t just that -- she had been so kind to him, she should be mad at him. 

When they get to Phil’s grandparents house there’s a lot of cars in the driveway, apparently one of Phil’s cousins was getting married and they wanted the beautiful Irish sea as their background. 

“What time do we need to be at The Sound?” Phil had asked his dad as they grabbed suitcases from the back of the car.

“Oh, half past six, I think, better ask your grandmum, she’d know.” 

“This is so chaotic,” Phil groaned, handing Dan his suitcase. 

It was a little chaotic but it was nice to see it. Phil’s aunts and uncles had introduced themselves to Dan as they made their way into the house, everyone had wanted to talk to Phil about his documentary. They had both exchanged a look to each other basically saying that they were already peopled out and they hadn’t been here for very long. 

“You’ll be sleep downstairs, there’s a blow out mattress,” His aunt called from the other side of the room. 

“Hey, where’s my mum?” Phil had asked no one in particular, he was just hoping someone would answer him back. 

“Taking a nap in your grandmum’s room.” 

So that’s where they went after they put their stuff downstairs. Phil had grabbed Dan’s hand to lead them up the stairs to his grandmum’s room, Phil had knocked once, before they heard, _“come in!”_

The telly was and Dan smiled at Kathryn who had an eyepatch over one of her eyes. 

“Are you a pirate now?” Dan smiled as he walked closer to her to bend down and give her a long hug. 

“Yes, actually!” She had made an _argh_ noise, and Dan felt teary eyed. “It helps with my vision disturbances, I’ll be able to take it off soon, but I quite like it. I think it’s the newest trend. I shouldn’t be watching the telly but I find it more relaxing than the sound of all my family members screaming downstairs,” They both laugh and he hugs her again. 

“I’m glad I got to see you. I watched the documentary. You really are Superwoman.” 

Phil had butt in between the two to give his mum a hug. “Sweet boy.” she patted Phil’s cheek. 

Considering how tight of a schedule they were on, they couldn’t catch up properly, but Kathryn made a promise to come to London soon and have a cup of coffee with Dan, and maybe Phil, Kathryn wasn’t sure about him yet, which made both Dan and Kathryn laugh at Phil’s expense. 

“I’ll see you at the wedding, boys.” 

*

Dan and Phil race each other on who can tie their tie the fastest, but in the end they end up having to fix each other’s ties. Dan wears his hair curly but styles it like he think Jamie would. There’s a lot of cars that they’re taking to the venue, Dan and Phil end up squished in the back of a car with the kids sitting in the front seats, they’re not sure how that worked out Dan doesn’t really mind being squished against Phil, even if it’s a little uncomfortable. It’s a beautiful day for mid January, it’s cold, and only sprinkled earlier, they’re hoping the rain stays away until after the vows. Isle of Man is a lot of farm, windy roads, and cliffs. 

Dan found himself attempting to film out the window with his phone. The sun would be going down soon, it was always the best time to take pictures by the sea. Phil had reached out for Dan’s hand in the backseat while he pressed his cheek against the window because of his car sickness. Dan rolled the window down more for Phil to feel the sweet cold air. It was nice being able to use all this information that Dan had stored of Phil again. 

When they arrive Phil could have kissed the ground, but they’re quickly being shuffled to their seats. Dan was beginning to understand why Phil valued a schedule and making it to places on time, he was the peace amongst the chaos but Dan found it endearing that Phil had this big family that yelled at each other about trivial wedding things because they were excited. Phil and his mum seemed to be a hot topic, everyone wanted to talk to them and Phil had shook so many hands and gave so many hugs and Dan had just watched in admiration and feeling proud that he had created this thing and everyone in his family had loved it as much as Dan had. 

When the music started to play they all stood up and Dan didn’t know the cousin very well, just seen pictures on the wall from Phil’s house when they were kids but he felt emotional. Dan had watched Phil’s face most of the time, seeing how he reacted to his cousin getting married, and he thought of them. There was a time when they had teased each other about it, Dan was nineteen but he could see himself marrying Phil and he told him that. He’d like to get married one day, and they had talked about all the stuff that they hated from traditional weddings, and Phil reminded Dan that it wouldn’t be traditional either way just because of who they were. It made him a little sad now to think about his younger self, fully unaware about a lot of things around him. 

Dan had turned just in time for the couple to kiss and be pronounced, _‘Man & Wife’_ as they ran down the aisle with their hands linked together.

What was left was a beautiful purple and pink sky, Dan walked over to the edge and rested his hands on the wooden barrier to look out at the Irish sea. It was a nice venue. When he counted down to three there was the music, he smiled listening to the sound of UK’s Top Hits. Phil had come bearing gifts, which was a red cup with some sort of alcohol in it. 

“My cousin and his wife made their own cocktails, like went to an actual class and everything, I gave you my cousin’s because it probably has more alcohol and not as fruity, I let myself have the fruity one.”

Dan rolls his eyes playfully but grabs it from his hand taking a sip. Sure enough, it is more alcohol than fruit. “What is this supposed to be?” He couldn’t detect the flavour, it was at least two other alcohols mixed in it with a bit of mint.

“Not sure, he’s been known to make some wild concoctions for birthdays.” Phil takes a sip of his and he seems pleased by it, and Dan guesses that’s all that really matters. 

There’s a silence that fell over them, both admiring the way the waves crash against the rocks, Dan has always found the seaside to be peaceful, it’s just a pity that his dreams used it as a nightmare. There’s a loud, “Whoo!” coming from the building, Dan and Phil look back and see that they’re introducing the Bride and Groom. 

“I’m guessing you’re not very close to this cousin?” Dan raises an eyebrow, thinking of how funny it was that Phil was out here when his family members were all in there. 

“Not really. I just see him at family reunions. He’s a bit ladish,” Phil looks where Dan is looking and walks a little closer. 

“You know what this reminds me of?” Dan can see a faint streak of lightning from the corner of his eye, the pink and purple sky had gradually turned a dark blue, a storm was coming, you could see it in the horizon, with its big rain clouds it was quite magnificent to see from where they stood with such an open sky. 

“The Halloween Gathering.” Dan eventually says, how they didn’t care for the other youtubers, and just wanted to be together. 

“Me too.” 

Dan felt very vulnerable. He was here because Phil wanted him to be here. It may have just been because they’re friends again, but Dan didn’t want to pour himself into this to get hurt. He wanted this. He just didn’t know if Phil wanted this too. It was like the roles were reversed in a way, that time on Skype, if he was feeling it too. Was Phil feeling it too? Dan had taken another drink from the cup, placing it next to Phil’s on the flat surface of the gate, he waited a second to see if they’d fall and they didn’t. He looked at Phil again with a small smile, but it quickly dropped, trying to read his mind, they used to have that kind of connection, did they still?

“Did you mean it?” Dan asked, taking another deep breath, “When you said you were waiting for me? I don’t think I imagined it, I hope I didn’t imagine it…. But it’s fine if I did, I just--” Dan stopped because Phil had gotten closer, wrapping his arms around him for a tight hug, it was a different kind of hug that they had before. 

What Dan felt was everything; the feeling of seeing the video leak, the words that people had said, the pain that they had caused each other in wake of it, the sleepless nights and the silent stares that felt like hot knives, the image of Phil leaving, the radio silence, the way that Phil’s eyes had hardened when he talked about his mother’s stroke, the anxiety of not knowing if they’d ever be okay, Dan felt all of that as well as love, unconditional love; the warmth from their first kiss, the first time that Phil had ever touched Dan, underneath his clothes, in his bed, and how delicately he pressed a finger against his dimple, his hands caressing his cheek; how Phil was always that ever pleasant lull on the nights that he couldn’t sleep; he was his yellow canary bird that had come back. 

“I meant it, Dan. I’m sorry that I left, and I’m sorry that it leaked. But I’m not sorry for what I said.” 

“You know what it felt like?” Dan had buried his face in Phil’s neck, but he moved so he could look at him, but still touching him in some way. “It was like we were on a plane that was inevitably going to crash, but we so badly wanted to help each other breathe, but that’s not how it works -- you’re supposed to put your mask on first before you can help someone else. I thought about it like that. But now that we both got our masks on, we just brace for that free fall and hope for the best.”

“Oh how I’ve missed your speeches,” Phil had held Dan’s face in his hands, his fingers caressing the red blotches on his cheeks from the cold, there was a crack of thunder in the distance, and they might have felt a drop or two but they were protected in this bubble that they had created a long time ago, right here was shelter. 

“You are the first person to have ever loved me. No one has loved me -- like you’ve loved me. And I’ve never felt this kind of love before. I’ve deeply liked people -- like you. But then I loved you, and I still love you. You were my first love. You are my first love. And maybe the only guy I’ll ever love, and I just want you to know that. We can take it slow, if you want- if that’s something you’d want to do. With me.” Phil didn’t take a breath saying it, and Dan had felt like he was stunned in place. When it came to them, Dan had a way with words, he liked to make these speeches to prove a point and tried his best to have these grand and romantic gestures, but Phil was a very quiet lover, but he had loved so hard and if he loved you -- you’d know, and Dan knew- but he knew now more than ever. 

He remembers watching the video for the first time and being speechless, Phil had put his heart on the line for Dan. It was a level of vulnerability he had never seen before from anyone. Dan had never felt so loved before. 

Dan had to remember it from the top of his head, what he had said in response, and then, he remembered, _“I want to be with you for as long as you want to be with me.”_

Phil had given Dan a gift, and it may have been cheesy, that after all this time, it was love. _Real, true, requited love and it was the best feeling in the world._

Dan had brought his mouth to Phil’s and kissed him, and it was like muscle memory; all the things that he thought he had forgotten falling back into place, like it had never lost before. When they pull away it’s not for long before Phil kisses him again, his lips soft, sweet, and warm like he had remembered them. 

Their foreheads had rested against the other, trying to catch their breath, Dan smiled before he found himself circling his arms around Phil again. He missed him, he missed him more than he’d would ever know. 

“You want to eat some the fancy food?” Phil had said, intertwining their fingers. 

“Hell yeah, I do.” 

“Good, because I’m going to race you to it, and i’m going to win. Go!” 

“Oh, fuck off!” Dan had laughed, chasing after Phil. 

How fitting, Dan had thought, this time, he was racing towards him and not away from him. 

**xii.**

The day that Dan gets back to Safe Haven, it’s like coming home. There are people that he hasn’t met yet, but he gets around to meeting them and shaking their hand and inviting them to board game nights that they have. He meets up with Val in her office and he tells her about the conversations that they had leading up to the night of the wedding. Dan’s best way to describe him to Val is that he’s new and familiar, and that they’re taking it slow. Some days they won’t see each other, but they resort to phone calls and their favourite app Skype. Phil has a lot of things to do for the documentary, which is mainly just interviewers with other Youtubers, and he’s getting back in the swing of making youtube videos. Dan has still yet to upload his video but he’s getting to it, he swears. Val says that she’s proud of him and how far he’s come and that soon he’ll be able to mentor without her help. 

Sam came back every day and was starting to get into kitchen duty, he quite liked making food, even though he always wanted to be an artist, he was finding that he could put that ability into making cakes. They’ve never really had a baker before and Sam would be the first one. Part of mentoring Sam was just being his friend and they talk a lot about things that Sam still struggles with, he’s learned the term internalized homophobia and thinks that it was the problem when it came to his boyfriend -- but it wasn’t just that, it was the fact that he didn’t see worth in Sam. It’s a hard pill to swallow but they’re getting through it. 

Dan goes to counseling sessions with Sam because he trusts him, and sometimes Dan just holds his hands while they talk about the hard stuff. 

*

There’s something that happens the night that Dan takes Phil to a gay club, they’re dancing to the song that’s playing, he doesn’t know what song it is but it doesn’t matter, they’re not nearly drunk enough to blame their bad dance moves on it but they’re having fun. Jamie and Mikey are nowhere to be found so he thinks that they’re probably making out somewhere in the dark corners of this place. It’s hard to see because of the flashing lights. Out of the corner of Dan’s eye he sees someone who looks familiar, and he gets the chills. 

“Follow me,” Dan yells over the crowd, grabbing Phil by the hand, and leading them to the back where he saw the person, he’s trying so hard to catch up with them but they seem to be hopping from place to place and it’s making it incredibly difficult.

“Do you know them?” Phil yells, and Dan nods. 

“I think so!” The closer they get the more Dan is convinced that it’s Kenzie. 

Dan places a hand on their shoulder lightly to get his attention, he turns around and sees Dan, hand in hand with Phil and smiles. 

“Dan?” Phil says from behind him, he’s about to introduce the two and then, he’s gone. He scans the crowd of people. 

_Fuck,_ he lost him again. 

“What happened?” Phil is leaning into him. 

There’s a door that’s opening in the back that Dan can see, _the face_ , the familiar face stares back at Dan, their eye contact is quick, but he can see Kenzie nodding towards him as the door closes. 

Dan knows that’s the last time he’ll ever see him. From what he saw his features were softer, while he might have the scars they looked like they had been healed over time around his neck, and Dan wishes him the best things in life. It almost makes Dan cry. When Dan and Phil go back outside, Dan grabs Phil’s hand and they start to head back to Phil’s flat which is basically in extension Dan’s flat now, too. 

Dan tells Phil on the way back home that Kenzie had opened the door for him but didn’t follow him there, Dan liked to think that maybe that was the point all along. He didn’t know, it was a mystery that he wouldn’t ever be solved but he hoped that he’d see him again to thank him for something that he probably didn’t even realize that he had done. 

There were certain people that came into Dan’s life and he didn’t know why, but he didn’t try and question it anymore and just ran with it. He tells Val over text that night that he had ran into him, but he didn’t say anything, that all he did was smile and nod.

_Sounds like he was looking out for you and you didn’t know it._

“Maybe.” Dan says to his phone, placing it back in his pocket. 

*

That night after they’ve showered Dan is laying next to Phil in bed, their hands are linked together and Dan is memorizing and re-memorizing the constellation shaped freckles against Phil’s arms. It had been a fun night of dancing with people who were just like them, Dan had asked what it was like for Phil being surrounded by all those people and he said that clubbing would never be his thing, but he had to admire the community, for it’s resilience and the way that it loved them back. 

Dan had said the word a few times, but each time he said there was a power that it had given him, it didn’t have to feel like a label anymore as it was just part of who he was as well as other things that made up him. Dan liked Guild Wars, cried too much when it came to movies, he was very loud when he wanted to be, hated crowded places, loved red velvet cakes but hated jaffa cakes, preferred jumpers over long sleeves, queer, moody sometimes, and loved way too hard. 

“I’m queer,” Dan whispers to Phil, the moonlight shines through the window, making Phil’s face illuminated. 

“You are.” Phil smiles, touching the tip of his nose. 

“I’m really fucking queer.” Dan says a little louder. 

“You are!” Phil says even louder. “And I am too.” 

“I love you.” Dan says this time. 

“I love you, too.”

He buries himself under the blankets and Phil joins him. It’s a fort just for the two of them, the outside world can’t get to them here, and even if it tried, they were ready to fight. 

*

Dan is sitting on the floor of Phil’s apartment with Jamie, Mikey, and Phil. There’s pizza that’s somewhere on the ground next to them and a bottle of wine elsewhere, but they’re all huddled around Dan as his video is processing. Dan has forgotten the jittery feeling he used to get when it came to uploading videos that he was nervous about. He’s not pacing, at least. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry about his anxiety when it came to this video. He takes a deep breath when he sees that it’s done and hovers his mouse around the publish button and he clicks it. 

_Where Have I Been? (On The Topic of Being Queer)_

The impact of the video doesn’t hit him until much later. It’s when he’s serving food at Safe Haven that someone comes up to him and thanks him for his video that he had made. He had found out about Safe Haven because he had mentioned it in the video after he had gotten done explaining why he left Youtube in the first place. Dan’s video was a retelling of his first time at the gay club and how out of place he felt being there but feeling like he had finally connected with something. He briefly mentions Kenzie, not by name, but says that someone had told him about Safe Haven and said that it was somewhere he could go if he needed it. He mentions Val and Willa, and goes in depth on the resources that they have and some of the staff members like Lia, and he name drops Thalia, Nev, Jas, Kaden, Jordan, and Sam, and if they ever were to come one of these guys would be waiting for them. 

The guy had told Dan that he had recently got kicked out, and like Sam in the beginning was staying in a hostel but since he saw that they offered safe homes for people who needed it he had come when Dan wasn’t there and was able to get a room for a couple of days while he figured out his next step. Dan was touched, he didn’t expect the outpour of love that he was receiving on it. While he wanted to go back to just making Youtube comedy videos and skits like he normally did- he felt like he had an obligation for all the Sam’s and younger Dan’s out there that didn’t know that it could get better. Dan gives him a hug and an extra sandwich for him to take on his way. 

*

Dan and Phil officially move in together again in March, the first day of Spring. The apartment is nowhere near as big as their first apartment in London, but they’re learning to love it all the same. They argue a lot about decorating it, but they find their happy medium. The crew from Safe Haven help that entire first week of moving, they’re all each other’s family, even if the family can’t fit in the apartment all at once, it’s hysterical watching everyone squish into the kitchen, passing out Dixie Cups of champagne to cheers the move in. 

They film Youtube videos together again, it’s like they never stopped, there’s a level of normalcy that comes back to their lives, those final missing pieces to the puzzle coming together smoothly. Jamie and Mikey come over a lot having moved in together themselves, Dan’s old room becomes a potential space for a future (very, very far in the future, Jamie exclaims) child. As of right now it’s just a place for Mikey and Jamie to dump all their crap in. 

Val and Willa finally do get their child, Stella, after the first adoption fell through, she’s become a poster baby for Safe Haven, they use her because of her cuteness to advertise, but Safe Haven is getting a lot of attention because of the Youtube channel that Dan helped create with Phil. Though if they’re being honest- Nev and Thalia are the ones that vlog the most on the channel of every-day life at Safe Haven. Sam tries, but he just gets lost in his own tangents and prefers to just bake cakes and decorate them. 

Kathryn eventually does make it down to London for her birthday and Dan does get to have tea with her like they promised, she’s regained full strength in her arm that had been paralyzed by the stroke, and she doesn’t look like a pirate anymore although she still thinks it’ll be the next fashion trend. Dan talks a lot about growing up, and how his relationship with Phil was better than it had ever been before. He shows her his rainbow pin in his jacket, and asks if he could get her one, too, for solidarity. Except she wants two pins, one for Dan and one for Phil. 

When Dan gets back home that night with Kathryn, they’re laying in bed talking about their day. Phil had a couple of things earlier, the BBC Radio 1 had wanted to do an interview with Phil about his documentary and he was a bit nervous for it, he had gone over with Dan the questions that they’d probably ask. It had prompted Dan’s burning question. 

“Why did you want to call the documentary Where Things Come Back?” 

“My mum had thought of the phrase, funnily enough. She had read an article online about yellow canary birds, they used to use them for coal mining....” 

It’s a story that Dan knows all too well, and he smiles in the dark.

“.... I mean, eventually, regardless of the circumstances, the bird does eventually come back, and my mum had been thinking that, you know, eventually, her regular vision would come back, her arm strength would come back, her memories would come back, all the important and essential things would come back at some point- and if they didn’t, well, then she’d find a way to live without them, but thankfully she didn’t have to. Why do you ask?” 

“No reason,” Dan says, bringing his lips to Phil’s. They’re wrapped up in each other’s arms, and Dan thinks that he could spend the rest of his life here and feel pretty content. “I was just curious. Goodnight.” Phil is already halfway asleep which makes him laugh, but he does feel a squeeze to his arm in response. 

Dan was beginning to think that they all had their own canary birds, Dan liked to think that Phil was his.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated. 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: @nihilismdan i'd love to know your thoughts! <3


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